Controlling partner making me lie

[Feelingthefearnow]

Hi please help
I met my partner three years ago . We quickly moved in together . The relationship was amazing following the volatile marriage I had . It began a very attentive partnership which I'd never experienced . To cut a long story short ... And I don't know how I got here ... But basically I can't do anything now without him knowing . He maps out my every move wants to know when I'm leaving places , when I get there . When my phone goes he wants to know exactly who it is and what they want ... I'm a nervous wreck ... I have told him a couple of lies and said I've stayed at home when I just want a bit of freedom and he found out . He has been calling me a liar and said some nasty things . I don't see anyone anymore and he says if I don't start bringing my friends round and family anymore he will tell them what a liar I am and how badly I've treated him ! He manipulates everything I do . I feel so miserable scared and trapped . I'm constantly walking on egg shells and saying sorry all the time . I feel nobody will believe me as he comes across so nice and polite .. I'm at my wits end

You say you change the code daily, but if there is already a keylogger then he will be able to see what you've changed it to. Does he pay the phone bill? If so he can check every number you call, and for how long.

Please ask for help and support- tell someone at work what is going on, and ask them to contact your family for you and explain. Help is out there and you need everyone on your side. You will be believed by your family, especially since you think your sister is already concerned that something isn't right.

I'm also really concerned that he makes you hand over half your wages - does that mean you are paid in cash? Perhaps you can ask your employer to pay the money into your bank account, they could help you open one if you don't have a separate account already.

You don't have to hand him your wages.
You don't have to answer any of his questions.
You don't need to tell him where you are, what you're doing, who you're with.
You don't need to stay with him.

Please realise that you are free to walk out, sleep on a friend's couch for a bit, rent your own place, have your own money in your own bank account, and everything else that you really and truly are entitled to.

You don't need to stay. You are the master of your own life.

hug

You need to get yourself out of this situation before he erodes your self esteem any further. He will chip away at you until you don't have the confidence, resources or friends to help you.

He sounds like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Of course you will be believed.
Please find some inner strength to get away.

I've just told my manager what is going on . She is putting me in touch with s safeguarding person who is in my work place . I will take it from there .
No I don't pay him in cash I transfer the money . He also earns much more than me

Hurray for your manager. Good luck!

Well done for speaking up. You've taken the first difficult step.
I wish you well.

The first step is the hardest - it's the step that makes the abuse "real". Well done OP. Good luck

Thank you all

Well done for speaking to someone!

I hope the safeguarding person at work is helpful.
In addition, you might find it useful to speak to Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) about dealing with a controlling partner, and perhaps to open up to your sister or a good friend, who can empathise with you and give you moral support.

You don't need to deal with this alone.

Holy hell - this is terrifying.
I really hope work can help you.
Call you sister from a land line at work, away from your own phone or anything he could have bugged. Handbag etc....
Can you call your parents?
Get this all done at work.
You should make calling Womens Aid a top priority.
0808 2000 247
They can put in touch with local support services.
Seriously. This is horrifying and you need to get away and fast.
Womens Aid can help you with a safe exit plan.

I don't know why but am ok writing this down but the thought of talking to womens aid terrifies me at this point

Is that because talking to WA will make it more real for you?. Its already real, he has and will continue to abuse you and in turn your children so long as you stay with him. His abuse of you is chilling and you were indeed targeted by this man.

Well done for talking to your employers; hopefully they will be of real use to you.

Please talk to WA, they can and will help you here. The first step to take is often the most difficult but it will feel less insurmountable after you have taken that first step.

It's a very daunting. Just give yourself time to process it. You've been with this man for 3 years and the way he treats you has become normal to you.
It's not. You're being abused. Google some definitions of emotional abuse.

Women's Aid will see cases like yours all the time but if you can't ring them yet that's fine. What you can't do is put your head in the sand and hope things change with no action from you. They won't.

Do you think your sister could maybe get you a little pay as you go phone?

Yes I will ask her to get me one .
I will call WA tomorrow . Today is difficult . I need to know I will have time to talk with no surveillance and I can get my head around things beforehand of what I will say
Thank you everyone so much

You just tell them what you've told us in your posts.
They will have heard it all before and know how to help you.
You've taken a step today in talking to your company.
Tomorrow for WA is another big step.
Well done.
I hope your Dsis can help.

I will do I will tell them what I've said here and hopefully the rest will be led by them I'm hoping

Actually if he can see this then he will know what you're doing and that's very dangerous. Are you absolutely sure it's safe to go home alone?
I'm hoping you aren't posting from your phone...

Yes it's safe . I'm not posting from phone

Phew! I'd be very cautious about any communication that he could hack. Take care. You are still a strong woman but he's slowly grinding you down.

I don't know about how strong just yet thanks but the strength is going to have to come from somewhere over the next couple of days and that's with your help too

You have RL people who love you plainly and MN have your back. You just have to act strong until you're safe and away. Then you can have a wobbly jelly fall apart :) And then get yourself sorted.

Keep strong
There are a few threads on getting out of emotionally abusive relationships on here that might be worth looking at. You are certainly not alone in your experience.
There is a certain pattern of behaviour to look out for when you finish an EA relationship, I think your partner becomes overly nice and remorseful and promises to change but actually means none of it. This is a very common reaction from an abusive partner and something to be aware of so you're not manipulated further.

You can do this. And have made a start. As PPs say you have your sister, work colleagues, womens aid - they are used to people being afraid about contacting them.

To reiterate a previous poster, he will likely manipulate if he gets any idea that you may be planning to leave.... Be aware that what he says are just words, and will only be meant to keep control of you ultimately. This man does not own you or your children.
Stay strong, thinking of you, you can do this