What is this?

[Sillybillywilly]

If your 'd'p whipped you with a tea towel, threw a glass of water at you and threw and garden chair at you (well not at 'in your direction') would you consider this domestic abuse?

If those things were done in anger then yes.

Has this happened to you ? Are you safe ?

Yes I would if done if anger or with malice.

The tea towel and water thing could have been a jokey teasing play fight thing if that was the tone but the char thing would always be considered OTT imo.

I certainly would yes.
That is someone who has lost control.
I hope you are now safe and away from the situation?

agree with pagwatch about anger.

I can imagine a messing around waterfight type thing where you are both chucking stuff and laughing and it would be just that, messing around.

If it was not a joke and they were done to annoy me, wind me up, make a point etc, then yes it is abuse.

When he whipped me with the tea towel (this was last year) we are arguing but he said 'oh i was only messing about'
When he threw the water and the chair he definately wasn't messing about.

I'm so confused, he said to me this morning, 'if you were really being abused you would know about it'

Agree with pagwatch I'm afraid. Me and DP sometimes playfully do the tea towel thing if we're doing the dishes together, but never hard, we never hurt each other. Totally different if it's done in anger, with the intention of hurting you though. But throwing the glass of water, and the garden chair, even if it wasn't in your direction, totally unacceptable. I would consider it to be domestic abuse, yes

Yes I would.

The fact he whipped you with the towel during an argument is a huge difference. And the other things are much more obvious.

He clearly knows absolutely fuck all about anything. Please look after yourself. Many abusers say things like that to confuse their victims, and change their perception of what is normal behaviour.

So, physical and emotional abuse going on here then ?

Did you post about the tea towel incident last year ? It sounds familiar. I expect you were told it would escalate if you did.

I think his "you would know about it" is a massive threat. He is going to do more stuff to hurt you. A little bit like you hear some parents saying to their kids "if you don't stop crying, I will give you something to cry for"

You have been warned

The stupid thing is, I left him for a while, he begged me to give h another chance, he had a bit of counselling, we started to get on better. I gave him another chance eventually moved back in with him, and now 4 months on I feel like I did last time I left him. He is just so intimidating I am scared to tell him that I want to leave again. I wish I could grow some balls and stand up to him.

if you were really being abused you would know about it

Oh well, if he says he is not abusing you, then obviously he isn't. Pfffft.

It is abuse. Of course it is! What else could it be?.

Do you have DC?

Yes I did any fucker, I feel so stupid now, I know now I shouldn't have come back.

Yes luv we have a 2.5 year old daughter.

Oh sillybilly, this says it all:

He is just so intimidating I am scared to tell him that I want to leave again.

You shouldn't be with anyone who makes you feel like that. Normal relationships don't have one person scared of the other.

Don't tell him you are leaving. Just go.

Do you have somewhere to go?

I wish I could grow some balls and stand up to him.

It is hard to stand up to a bully when you are in the same house and he is escalating the violence.

Do you think you stand up to him better when you and DD are living elsewhere?

Yes I can go to my parents, it's not ideal as it's so all and cluttered, but It's better than staying here I suppose.

Just go. Don't tell him anything. he knows what he is risking, it won't come as a surprise to him. Don' think for one minute he is unaware he is abusing you.

I don't know, last time we split he was still quite abusive to begin with.

Oh god why did I come back?

Yep, don't stand up to him, it will not end well for you. Simply go to your parents and never go back again.

you came back but that's a decision made then.

you can make the decision to go today, and not look back or come back.

don't stay with someone who intimidates you. xx

Thanks everyone I know your all right, I feel like my head is in a fog.

You can contact Womens Aid to get their support in leaving and exit plan if you are truly scared.
Get to CAB and see what you are entitled to as a single parent.
Do you own your house together or is it rented?
Then you can get onto CSA and get maintenance payments sorted out.
Make sure your parents know everything that is going on.
Physical, emotional and verbal abuse.
They can help keep him away from you and help protect you, but they can only do that if that know what's going on.
Pack you stuff up and leave.

That is such an accurate upate.
FOG indeed.
Fear
Obligation
Guilt
Look it up on google you'll learn a lot about it.