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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What is this?

184 replies

Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 09:41

If your 'd'p whipped you with a tea towel, threw a glass of water at you and threw and garden chair at you (well not at 'in your direction') would you consider this domestic abuse?

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ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 14:57

If he is going to have contact with her, there are lots of different ways of doing that.

Some people have a special email address they use just for arranging contact, I know three women who've had that arrangement for years and no phone contact. Or contact centre. Or via friend or family member. Or something else. You don't have to figure it all out now.

Your DD just needs a happy mum and a happy atmosphere around her. You don't want her growing up thinking his behaviour is normal and that this is how relationships work. Whether screaming at her is a regular thing yet or not isn't really the point is it?

The important thing is that you'll be getting her safely away before her understanding is more developed. That is a really really positive thing.

Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 15:10

Oh god I know I love her so much, I hate the thought of her growing up In this environment, I thought coming back and giving her a stable home and family was for the best and we are no stable than we were before.
I guess she is noticing something, she woke 3 nights running last week with night terrors, another thing he kicked off about as he didn't want her in our bed, but there was no way she could go back to bed in that state, every time I tried she screamed hysterically, he eventually went and slept on the couch, but boy did I know about it the next morning.

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Charley50 · 02/09/2014 15:11

Hi I think you are well on your way to leaving. You mentioned being afraid of the aftermath. This will always be a hard time so good to get it over with. If he harrasses you once you leave you can involve the police so he knows you have strong boundaries and the law on your side. He can still have a relationship with his dd but initially that may need to be supervised.
I've done it; ex carried on harassing me for a time, but eventually it stops. Good luck. Sorry to be cheesy but feel the fear and do It anyway x

ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 15:20

She's lucky she's got one good parent to get her out of there. Very lucky.

Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 15:43

Thank you, I'm trying to do my best for her.

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 15:46

I am lucky in that's mil is amazing and knows exactly what he's like, a carbon copy of his father by the sounds of it. She only has dd's interest at heart so I know if I asked her to supervise the visits she most definately would.

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AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 15:50

What are you waiting for, love ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2014 16:00

"I hate the thought of her growing up In this environment"

Hold that thought and say that to yourself whenever you start waivering.

Fear also keeps you within this abusive relationship but I would urge you and your DD to get out and stay away from him. Do not ever go back to him again.

Did his mother leave her abuser?. Re this lady as well, perhaps she may mean well now but her loyalty may well be ultimately to her abuser of a son. Do not totally rely on her therefore for support. If you did want supervised visits I would not involve her in any aspect of that but use a contact centre instead. From the sounds of it, he would not make much if any real effort to visit your child anyway as he pays little to no attention to her now.

AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 16:13

Your daughter is growing every day. If you keep finding reasons not to put this disaster of a "relationship" to bed once and for all, she will be a teenager and and wonderig why you subjected her to living 24/7 with a man like this.

Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 16:22

His mother left his father yes, she found out he cheated and said she was glad as it gave her an excuse to leave.
This was when P was 5. His father went straight to live with ow who verbally and physically abused p as a child, I think he dad knew but didn't do anything to stop it and possibly joined in himself, although I'm not sure as p never really talks about it.

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ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 17:35

she was glad as it gave her an excuse to leave.

But you know you don't need to wait for an 'excuse' right?

ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 17:37

Would you trust MIL to put your DD's needs before her DS?

If so, she could be the 'middle man' for contact. Just an idea.

Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 18:43

I know I don't need an excuse I just need the courage to do.

I trust his mum 100% she knows just how nasty he can be, he has directed his anger at her and his step dad before now.

He is home now and stil being, nice wants to 'snuggle up and watch a film' when dd has gone to bed, so I will sign off for now thank you all so much for your advice and support. I will come back tomorrow and update and hopefully soon I will be telling you I have LBT!

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 18:43

LTB even.

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ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 18:45

Excellent. I am looking forward to seeing that post

AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 19:45

I am looking forward to that too.

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/09/2014 11:57

I've taken my own advice and gone back to a more positive name.

How's your day going?

Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 12:32

Morning, love the new name.

today hasn't been too bad although he only went to work for an hour and a half this morning

Still being sickly sweet, but ordering me about a bit aswell 'find me this, get me that, make me a tea' but he is in the garden messing about with his fishing stuff, so I'm trying to stay out of his way.

I'm going to talk to my mum tomorrow, I can't today as she is out most of the day and I have an appointment with the epilepsy nurse this afternoon.

I told my cousin through text this morning, she totally supports me.

Hopefully he is going fishing soon, even though he should be at work.

Do you think I should tell dd's nursery when I have left, If I tell them why we have left him will they need to get ss involved or anything?

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ArsenicFaceCream · 03/09/2014 12:38

My understanding is that having left a DV situation is seen as very positive parenting by Soc Services. I'm not sure if nursery would tell them, but I don't think it is anything at all to worry about if they do. Hopefully someone more qualified will come along and advise you.

I would tell nursery as you are going to have to give instructions re. who has permission to collect your DD.

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/09/2014 12:44

It's really good that you are talking to family. Do you feel better after talking to your cousin?

Is it unusual for him not to go to work? Do you think he senses something's up?

Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 12:50

I do feel better i feel slightly liberated knowing there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'm not alone.

I thought people would say it was my own fault for coming back to him.

It's not unusual for him not to go to work. He hardly ever gets up on time, I get up at 6 everyday make his tea and call him every ten mins usually till about 7.30ish while he is in bed he will usually shout abuse at me for trying to get him up, tell me he doesn't feel well, or his back hurts, or that he didn't tell me he didn't need to get up at x time at all.

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Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 12:51

I feel like I'm trying to get a teenager up for school.

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ArsenicFaceCream · 03/09/2014 12:54

Jeez. He's a catch isn't he?

How come he hasn't been sacked?

Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 13:09

Because his dad is his boss, but i think he is on the brink of losing his job.
It's all just fucked up, his dad feels guilty, because of p's childhood, p is a lazy sod anyway who works an 8 hour day and think he deserves a medal. He thinks the world owes him.

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Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 13:11

Meant to say his dad feels guilty so protects him from losing his job, but he has so much time off and is late so often, that its out of his dad control now.

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