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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this?

184 replies

Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 09:41

If your 'd'p whipped you with a tea towel, threw a glass of water at you and threw and garden chair at you (well not at 'in your direction') would you consider this domestic abuse?

OP posts:
ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 12:34

I'm not saying 'think positive'. I'm saying don't think it YOU, realise that it is the situation you are in that is making you feel bad about yourself. HE is doing it to you.

He is a cheeky fucking bastard to put you on eggshaells and then tell you you're negative.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 12:36

'He tells me....'

I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and a) I'm not your mother and b) I've never met him. You're just going to have to trust me but lots of these people he is lovely to will know exactly what he's like and won't have been fooled at all. While you're in a relationship, friends and family are often reluctant to say what they really think. They rationalise that 'Sillybillywilly chose him so we must support her choice'. Walk out of the door and I guarantee they will not hold back.

Enjoy the phone call. It's going to be the first step in getting your life back

ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 12:38

You're just going to have to trust me but lots of these people he is lovely to will know exactly what he's like and won't have been fooled at all. While you're in a relationship, friends and family are often reluctant to say what they really think.

Cog's right.

ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 12:51

I hope you can get a chance to ring WA. Flowers

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 13:21

Ok he is going fishing in a little while. I will call when he's gone.

I totally forgot I have my first appointment at the non smoking clinic at 4.15, how I am gonna cope with giving up on top of all this I don't know, I have a feeling I will go in the room and burst in to tears.

OP posts:
ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 13:27

Maybe it isn't the best time to give up?

Do what feels best.

Granville72 · 02/09/2014 13:30

TBH, I would pack some stuff for you and the child and leave now, whilst he is out.

Forget about the smoking clinic for now, it's not going anywhere and they will understand if you have personal problems.

He is verbal & physically abusive. How long before he does something a lot more violent to you or gives your child a slap? And please don't say he wouldn't, he's already trying to convince you it's OK and it's your fault for the last few incidents.

Please just leave

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 13:30

I feel bad about cancelling, I had to cancel my last one as I got called into work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 13:34

Sorry didn't see your post Granville.

I don't want to go to the clinic, I think I will cancel.

Do I sound pathetic if I say I don't have the strength to leave today?
This is the first day in about 10 days we haven't had some sort of run in.

OP posts:
ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 13:36

You could go this afternoon. Or tomorrow, whatever you feel ok with.

Do you know where all your documents are? (Passports, birth certs, bank statements, chequebooks, child benefit proof, wage slips).

You could go to your mums first and then on to a refuge from there. That happens.

ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 13:37

X post. You haven't sounded pathetic at all. Not once.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2014 13:39

This is the first day in about 10 days we haven't had some sort of run in
So don't leave today.
Wait until tomorrow when you have more run ins.
You know you need to get away.
It's not easy.
It takes a lot of strength.
Just put some things in place ready to leave.
Paperwork, passports, toiletries.
Anything that will make it easier to get out more quickly as and when you are ready.
Don't wait too long, what he is saying now is that he will escalate.
Women are killed every week by abusive partners.
Don't become a statistic for the sake of a 'good day'!

ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 13:42

Just put some things in place ready to leave.
Paperwork, passports, toiletries.

Good idea. "Tidy up a bit" (group things together so you can just swipe them into bags in a hurry)

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 13:43

Yes I keep all important documents in one folder so it will be easy to grab and run.

He has gone out now. I hate trying to be nice to him when on the inside I want to scream 'you prick!'

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Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 13:46

Yes that's a good idea I will pack a little bag for me and dd and keep it in my wardrobe.

The thought of his reaction when he finds out we have gone scares the crap out of me, he will go ballistic.

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ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 13:46

I hate trying to be nice to him when on the inside I want to scream 'you prick!'

Yes, it's emotionally exhausting. Like acting all the time.

ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 13:48

Yes that's a good idea I will pack a little bag for me and dd and keep it in my wardrobe.

Only do that if you are SURE he won't find it. Otherwise, stack clothes to look like an ironing pile etc and pack at the last moment.

Clarabum · 02/09/2014 13:48

You are not pathetic. This is really bloody hard. I'd maybe leave the stopping smoking just now until you get yourself sorted. I'd put making yourself safe above giving up smoking this week. You can and will give up when it's right for you.
Try and get the logistics organised like grouping together the financial stuff you need to get away. Have it all in a folder together so you don't need to go rummaging to get everything.
Is there anything else you need to do in order to leave?
You really need to leave him though. Please do, i'm not saying you have to do it today but as soon as possible.

You are better than this, you deserve to feel safe as does your dc.

ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 13:49

he will go ballistic.

You'll be safely gone by then. You can block his number or get a new SIM.

Clarabum · 02/09/2014 13:50

I agree with Arsenic. DOn't pack an actual bag as if he finds it then you might get the brunt of his anger.

He will go ballistic but once you leave then he can't take it out on you as you won't be there. Then he'll start smarming his way back in. You need to be safe.

ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 13:52

Just don't let him realise what you're planning to do. You can't have him going ballistic while you are still there. Please be very careful.

How are you browsing MN? Are you deleting history?

overmydeadbody · 02/09/2014 13:56

Is there any way you can take a few things at a time to your mum's or a friend's house, rather than packing a bag?

Get things ready, without any chance of him finding out.

Have you called women's aid yet? They might help give you confidence.

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 14:05

I don't think he would go in my wardrobe we have separate ones so he doesn't really need to, but I think I will still pile up at the bottom along with my folder of documents, I will take any of his documents out.

I am on my phone and he wouldn't usually look through it. I try to keep it on my just incase as I lurk on relationships a lot.

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ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 14:13

Good. The sorting stuff out is the time consuming bit. Putting it bags takes a minute or two.

A pile of stuff just looks like a pile of stuff.

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 14:42

He never does any house work or anything, never tidies up after himself so he probably wouldn't notice if I left the pile by the front door.

Rang women's aid, they asked if I was in Immediate danger, which I am not, so the are sending some leaflets to my mums address, they gave me some advice re finances, and gave me some details of councelling in my area. They were very supportive and said to call back any time.

I am worried about changing my number, as he will still want contact with dd.
I feel awful for her as she does love him, he hasn't got angry with her so far, oh once actually he screamed at her to shut up. He doesn't do much with her though to be honest, only when it suits him.

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