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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this?

184 replies

Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 09:41

If your 'd'p whipped you with a tea towel, threw a glass of water at you and threw and garden chair at you (well not at 'in your direction') would you consider this domestic abuse?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 19:49

I will handle it by coming on to MN and ask you all to give me a good talking to!

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 03/09/2014 19:53

You know where we are.

Good day's work!

Justwhateverreally · 03/09/2014 20:07

Hi OP. I think I remember an earlier thread of yours perhaps.

Tell your mum everything. You said there's some stuff she doesn't need to know. What that probably means is that you still have a mental block about making your ex look bad.
He doesn't look bad. He is bad.
Tell your mum everything. Tell her how he makes you feel. If you have a supportive and healthy family background then she will understand and she will support you in your effort to LTB.

Another thing - have you ever at any point had any contact with the police about his behaviour? If you are this scared of his reaction to you leaving, will you consider contacting the police domestic violence unit and telling them? It is worth considering please. Keep yourself and your daughter safe.

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 20:17

I haven't spoken to the police about his behaviour, I never really thought it would be something they would come out for, just that he is shouting at me and won't leave me alone. If he had punched me then I would have reported it.

There's stuff that I don't want to tell her because it's to do with the bedroom and my family are quite prudish when it comes to that sort of thing.
He never raped me just to be clear, but he pushed and pushed me into sex until I just gave in, then he stopped pushing because he would ask for it so I just said yes to stop him kicking off.

OP posts:
AMillionNameChangesLater · 03/09/2014 20:34

You are being strong.
Keep strong, even last thing at night. The saying "it's darkest before the dawn" is true

AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 20:35

That is called coercion lovey, and sex without fully enthusiastic and ongoing consent has a word to describe it. You know that word. Anyway, I am not remotely surprised. This man is Fuck of the highest order.

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 20:46

Is it really? When I did consent, I just didn't really want to.

Wow he is even worse than I thought.

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Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 20:52

It's true amillionnamechangeslater, it's when your laying in bed alone with just your thoughts. I just need to think about my daughter and keep myself going.

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AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 20:55

he is a lot worse than you have allowed yourself to accept.

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 21:11

Yeh I guess he is.

It was when my daughter was about 3 months old that I worked out that something wasn't quite right( he wouldn't let me stop breast feeding even though I had no milk supply and dd was starving, formula is the work of the devil according to him) I googled abuse and found MN that's when it started to dawn on me, but no, at first I didn't want to believe it.

I was with a total arse before him, and when I met him he was the most lovely person, and I used to tell people 'he would never treat me like the x did, he would never cheat on me'(he did cheat in the first year of our relationship, had a holiday fling, I only found this out recently) turns out he was worse but come to think of it now x was probably abusive as well. If that's the case that means I have never been in a serious relationship that wasn't abusive, that's a scary thought.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 21:16

Lovey, you need to do the Freedom Programme. Your radar needs to be reset.

The more you say about this person, the worse he sounds.

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 21:22

I've re-read my thread he sounds awful doesn't he? If I were someone reading the thread I would be screaming 'run for the hills'

I looked up the freedom programme, I couldn't seem to find one In my area, I will speak to my local sure start next week and see if they know of any. If not I definitely need some counselling I think.

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 03/09/2014 21:44

Freedom programme is also available online.

I imagine he sounds awful because he IS.

What would you do to a tosser who threw a chair at your DD?

AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 21:46

You can do the FP online. That would be a great start.

Listen. I have read and contributed to many threads on relationships. I am absolutely no expert, but this bloke sounds like one of the worst I have ever heard about. The fact he hasn't been punching your teeth down your throat on a daily basis does not mean he hasn't been highly abusive

Any man that forces a struggling breastfeeding mum and miserable baby to carry on because of his own beliefs is an abuser

any man who coerces his partner into sex she doesn't want is an abuser

And I bet there is lots more Sad

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 21:59

I will look into the online course I feel like I need to talk to someone face to face as well though.

I don't know what I would do if someone was to through a chair at her, I am not a violent person at all, but I think I may turn violent if anyone ever hurt her.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 22:02

Yes, face to face would be good. You sound lovely, I truly hope you can escape this time.

ArsenicFaceCream · 03/09/2014 22:06

I am not a violent person at all, but I think I may turn violent if anyone ever hurt her.

That's because it's completely abusive and over the line.

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 03/09/2014 22:06

There's more he's done all sorts, shouted at me in a small but packed bakery once because I didn't hear what the person serving had asked, he said something like 'are you totally thick or do you just not listen to anything anyone says' I was so embarrassed, wanted the ground to swallow me up. I used to go into work crying some days ( I work part time in the evenings) because he had been on me all day for whatever reason.

God what a horrible man.

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ArsenicFaceCream · 03/09/2014 22:53

Your life is going to be so much better without him.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2014 09:11

How are you today, op ?

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 04/09/2014 09:25

Morning.

I'm not too bad thank you, didn't sleep to well but that's to be expected I suppose.

He hast contacted me so far, I'm waiting for a phone call or text, I will ignore it if he does.

Dd seems ok, her usually happy self, she has nursery this afternoon so I will have a chat with her key worker.

To top it all off my dog is poorly and needs to go to the vet. Have to borrow money from my parents to pay for it, as he made me give him £100 rent the other day and left me with £20, I told him yesterday to give it back to me but he refused, and although I have access to his bank account I will not transfer it to myself, I don't want to give him any ammunition.

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ArsenicFaceCream · 04/09/2014 13:16

Hope you're having a good day Smile

Original poster
Sillybillywilly · 04/09/2014 13:46

Up and down really, dd seems fine, gone off to nursery this afternoon, I have work Which I'm looking forward to as it will take my mind off of things.

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ArsenicFaceCream · 04/09/2014 14:11

It must help to have some routine.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2014 14:17

Take care of yourself. Sorry about your dog.