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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What is this?

184 replies

Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 09:41

If your 'd'p whipped you with a tea towel, threw a glass of water at you and threw and garden chair at you (well not at 'in your direction') would you consider this domestic abuse?

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LuvDaMorso · 02/09/2014 10:18

There is no hope for your relationship and you know it.

No need to beat yourself up about being stupid to return. You tried with the counselling and the second chance. He actually got worse despite your kindness and forgiveness.

What's that saying "fool
me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me"

He fooled you into retuning once. Shame on him. Now you can leave knowing you were right to leave the first time. It sounds like you know you won't be fooled twice.

Why drag out the leaving? What benefit would there be to you?

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 10:19

The house is in his name so no ties to it luckily, we are not married.
Would women's aid help me? As I have somewhere I could go? I thought they would only help of you literally had no where else to turn.

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LuvDaMorso · 02/09/2014 10:26

They'll talk to you about options. Can't do any harm to talk to them can it?

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 10:34

I I suppose it can't. Dd has nursery at 1 as long as he isn't home from work I will call them.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 10:42

Womens Aid would definitely be able to help you. Refuge is a possibility if you need to get away quickly and anonymously but they also have very good practical advice for victims of abuse that don't require refuge. Above all, I think it's important that you get a RL person (as well as MN) to confirm that what you're experiencing is abusive and unacceptable.

BTW... the sentiment that you'd know it if you were being abused is a threat. Please get yourself away and safe

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 10:46

I really need to pluck up the courage to go again don't i?
It's not just the leaving I'm scared of, it's the aftermath of it all aswell.

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Borderterrierpuppy · 02/09/2014 10:53

Hi op could not read and run.
You don't want to live like this, you don't deserve it and neither does your daughter.
Please phone women's aid and have a chat with them xx

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 10:56

It's understandable that you feel beaten down by this and worried about what will happen. If you're not feeling strong, that's the time to ask for help. Your partner is just one of many bullying, abusive men and there are systems in place to deal with them provided that the right people know what's happening.

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 11:11

Oh god, just got back from the park and he is home from work! Why is he home so early??
He j's being overly nice, gave me a hug and a kiss when I walked in.

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 11:27

It's time like this I start to doubt myself, even though he is nasty more than he is nice.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 11:41

When the object is control, the manipulation changes to suit It's very common for bullies to alternate nice and nasty behaviour. Nasty to keep you frightened and intimidated into doing as you're told... nice to hold out as a bit of a 'carrot' for good behaviour and make you try a little harder. The end result is confusion and doubt. Like whipping a dog and then giving it a chocolate drop... Hmm

Energy you spend second-guessing what kind of mood he's in or why he's acting as he does is energy you're diverting from getting away. Please have the courage of your convictions.

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hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2014 11:44

He's realising that your attitude has changed and it's time for the 'nice guy' act to draw you back in. Regain the control he can feel slipping away.
Dr Jekyll on the charm offensive but Mr Hyde will be back in full force in no time at all.
Don't rise to it.
Act as normal as possible until you can get away.
This is the tough bit and you need to remain strong and resolute.

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 11:56

I keep telling myself 'next time he speaks to me like like leaving' then when it comes to it I wimp out.

Acting as normal as possible, but physically cringed when he hugged me.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 12:00

How about calling Womens Aid now while you're feeling relatively calm and together rather than waiting for the next crisis? Treat it as an information-gathering exercise if you like. You're under no pressure to either leave or stay that way, simply getting yourself informed.

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 12:03

I can't do it now as he is in, house is quite small so there is no where I can go to have a proper conversation in private. Hopefully he will go back out.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 12:06

You can't go for a walk round the block with your mobile?

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theonlygothinthevillage · 02/09/2014 12:10

I'm so confused, he said to me this morning, 'if you were really being abused you would know about it'

This is pretty creepy, OP. He is trying to make you doubt yourself, or he has convinced himself that what he's doing is okay because he's not actually punching you in the face or doing some other stereotypically abusive then.

A thread on MN is a great place to clarify your thoughts, but can you talk this over with someone in RL?

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AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 12:15

My suggestion is that you leave first as you know you have somewhere to go. Then call Women's Aid and sign up for the Freedom Programme when you are safe, the fog has lifted and you can get some support in staying away.

Otherwise, you will find excuses not to go, just like every other time he has reeled you back in.

You know the pattern. Only you can break it.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 12:17

I read it as a threat.... ie 'if you think this is bad, you ain't seen nothing yet'.

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 12:19

I can talk to my best friend and my cousin, they know exactly what he is like, but they have never been in my situation so they don't understand why I can't just up and leave.

I think I will give woman's aid a call when I walk home from taking dd to nursery.

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ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 12:19

I keep telling myself 'next time he speaks to me like like leaving' then when it comes to it I wimp out.

Don't set yourself up to fail.

Just tell yourself 'soon'.

You will do it Smile

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 12:20

My mum sort of knows what he's like, but he is so lovely to her and the rest of my family, I'm not sure she thinks it's as bad as it is.

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ArsenicyOldFace · 02/09/2014 12:26

Please stop using negative language about yourself. You are not 'stupid' or a 'wimp', you don't 'need to grow balls'.

This is how abusive relationships work.

This is not because you are somehow lacking.

Everybody who knows me in RL thinks I'm feisty as hell, but when I was in your situation, my thought processes sounded exactly like yours do.

All you need is a little bit of bravery to leave. It only takes half an hour. Then you are free Flowers

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Sillybillywilly · 02/09/2014 12:30

He tells me I'm negative all the time.

I told me the other night that I need to learn to drive because I need to better myself.

It's hard to be positive when I'm constantly on egg shells, wondering what mood he is in and worrying about weather I have or wi say the right thing to him.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2014 12:34

If you were really being a abused you would know?

That's a threat you know that don't you, get out and stay out he will up the anti if he hasn't already.

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