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Original poster

Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

432 replies

Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 10:42

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

OP posts:
LadyAlysVorpatril · 21/04/2014 10:49

Sounds miserable to me, but if it works for you-great! As long as you don't get taken for granted.

hercules1 · 21/04/2014 10:52

Agree with lady. It does sound awful but if you are happy with it it doesn't matter what we think.

Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 10:52

Should add I used to be a bit of a control freak wanted everything my way - my husband is a blokes bloke but ultimately would do whatever to make me happy . I'm finding letting him take the lead more has enhanced our relationship . The benifits for me are vast - I'm no longer as stressed doing a job I dislike because I wanted to bring ing share - we aren't wealthy but he's happy for me to work less and do more at home - I'm also looking at a bit of retraining he's happy to support - my mum isn't suprized and said men want to look after their wives esp when kids are born . Some friends are shocked and think traditional means bad but I'm less stressed and he's happier x

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 21/04/2014 10:54

I think that different dynamics work for different couples/personality types.

My STBXH was all for this type of relationship initially. Then he started resenting that he was working and I "wasn't" even though I was home dealing with 2 children (one disabled, so lots of extra stuff going on), all appointments, all household stuff, and all paperwork/bills. He also gradually started making comments about how he had to get sleep, have time off to relax, etc as HE was the one that had to go earn the money (basically saying that I didn't need the sleep, the relaxing time, or anything). He began taking out his anger on us and things declined rapidly.

So ultimately, no, it didn't work for us, as we are now separated and getting divorced.

I would have no problem being the SAHM with a partner that was a mature adult that didn't turn it into a power struggle. The problem is finding that partner, I suppose, as you don't often find out how they handle it until you're in the situation, by which time you're already quite vulnerable.

pictish · 21/04/2014 10:54

I don't know what you mean by 'traditional'. I am a sahm while dh works, but that's a practical arrangement owing to the fact that when we had kids, he earned more than me, so it made sense. We didn't make the decision to be 'traditional'.

Please define your idea of traditional.

pictish · 21/04/2014 10:56

What I mean is....I am a sahm, while he works, but I wouldn't say he 'takes the lead'.
What do you mean by 'take the lead'?

louby44 · 21/04/2014 11:00

I'd hate to stay at home - it would bore me senseless.

My job is very important to me and makes me a more interesting person. I also like being financially independent.

Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 11:01

He works 60 hrs a week so I do the lot at home / however he isn't fussy with housework so it's my standard not his . Friends were first shocked and thought it sounded miserable but I hated my job . I have his tea ready every night do washing do his pack up as long as this is done he doesn't mind how I spend my day .i have time for me for the first time in ages ( kids school age ) I'm looking at a course in sept - -money isbt a issue he is rubbish with money so iv always and continue to do the budget - makes sense as I do the shopping etc .i wished we had changed ages ago .im still working a few hours but v little . I think the prob was I was working 4 days and doing a lot of the housework - he just doesn't see it as a issue ! I do feel guilty a bit as thought what does he get from this - he's working more hours - but he seems happier than he has been in ages - suggesting dinner out and things to do as a family .i thought he would prefaire me taking some financial pressure off but seems not ! X

OP posts:
JapaneseMargaret · 21/04/2014 11:04

...but he's happy for me to work less and do more at home

You don't say....?

Man, I wish I had a wife. I'd be dead happy for someone else to 'do more at home', 'n all...

just1moretime · 21/04/2014 11:04

People seem to forget that in the 'old' days, some women were happy giving up their jobs to keep house and look after children, but others were not, and were forced into it by society, This led to massive use of anti depressants and the like. Then , as now, it's horses for courses. I would resent having to 'look after' a grown adult who, presumably if single would have to do a full days work and get his own dinner/ iron his shirts/ clean the house!

lollerskates · 21/04/2014 11:05

If it works for you then that's great :)

jasminemai · 21/04/2014 11:05

It only sounds good to you as you were working and doing most of housework. Im.working practically full time right now and have loads of free time as I have a dh who cleans and does amble childcare. I think hes mugging you off tbh.

pictish · 21/04/2014 11:06

OP I am a stay at home mum, NOT a housewife.
I am here for the children's sake, not my husband's.
My dh makes his own packed lunch.

Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 11:08

Yes see what u mean - I was so angry while I was working wanting everything done to my standard we would row all the time about housework .
I was extreamly stressed and became v ill . I had no choice but to go from demanding what I wanted to letting him take the lead as I was ill. I realised u didn't need to control and he had my best interests at heart and just wanted to look after me- I'd never let him b4 . I was defiantly the more forceful in our relationship - now that's changed . X

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 11:09

My job wasnt important but my free time and interests are - I'm still in charge of the money - he is rubbish with it !

OP posts:
hercules1 · 21/04/2014 11:09

You make it sound like he is almost a father figure. Personally I don't need looking after.

HandragsNGladbags · 21/04/2014 11:09

We have a more "traditional" relationship in some ways, he works FT I'm PT, he does DIY, I do majority of cleaning that isn't done by the cleaner, I sort the DC out, he goes to the football.

But that works for us. For me being a SAHM just wouldn't work, I have a career that took me several years and exams to train for which was just becoming established when I had DC1. However we agree as a couple that me being FT would be much more difficult with a 4yo, 2yo and baby, and decided that 3 days a week worked best.

He will do anything he can to support me and wouldn't flinch if I said I wanted to work FT or we would work together to sort out finances if we decided SAHM was best for us.

I wouldn't like him taking the lead if you mean being the boss of me. I don't like my actual boss being the boss of me Grin I can't imagine how that would work at home.

Vivacia · 21/04/2014 11:10

This can't really be discussed without you saying a bit more about a couple of things. For example, what does "traditional" means to you? It doesn't sound as though he is in charge of money and allocates you "housekeeping". What does "husband takes the lead" mean to you? The only decision you mention him making is asking you out for dinner.

80sMum · 21/04/2014 11:10

It sounds like you've found the perfect arrangement for you and your DH. You're both happy in your roles and that's great.
That's the important thing, for both partners to be happy with the situation and to support each other in their choices. What those choices actually are is of course all down to the personalities of the couple, their own perceptions of their roles and the dynamics of the relationship.

lollerskates · 21/04/2014 11:11

It's great that you've found a solution that works for all the parties involved :)

jasminemai · 21/04/2014 11:11

Hes not looking after you hes paying you to look after him. I think your in denial.

Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 11:11

He was never really hear to do any as was working - when he was at home he would spend all his time with the kids( I go out much more than him ) he would do bits of housework but his standard was def much lower than mine !

OP posts:
hercules1 · 21/04/2014 11:12

I could be wrong here but it seems to me you are not as happy as you say you are. You seem a little uncomfortable with your situation.

Vivacia · 21/04/2014 11:13

I don't think this is a traditional set-up, but you all sound happy, so all the best to you.

pictish · 21/04/2014 11:13

I agree that you make it sound like you have accepted him as a father figure of sorts...a dynamic I most certainly wouldn't want in my marriage!