Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 17 18

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

432 replies

Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 10:42

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

OP posts:

Report

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 10:54

Wow.....you really are putting problems where theyre are none. Why do you feel the need to do that. Op has said she is happy and you are thinking of many reasons why she should not be happy with her choices.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 10:55

Her marriage works. They are both happy with their arrangement.

Offred · 22/04/2014 10:58

It is my point that there is no apparent problem right now in terms of satisfaction with the lifestyle but that there is a problem with the power relation which may lead to avoidable dissatisfaction and might actually leave the op with no option but to leave if she wants to pursue her own life.

I'm explaining the reality of allowing someone else to determine your life. As experienced by me. Someone who wanted to be at home with her dc and who then wanted something different. Someone who needed support to retrain and to enter the workplace and who was married to someone who was significantly less interested in 'taking the lead' and who I thought would be supportive.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:00

But that is all about you offered not the Op. Just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean the same will happen to her. She was asking nothing more than if anyone else has the same set up.

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:02

No it doesn't but I'm not sure on what basis you are arguing that the op should not consider just what the effects of giving away her autonomy could be?

There are a lot of worse effects than what happened in my marriage potentially.

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:03

Clue - giving away her autonomy basically means she will not have autonomy. You don't think she should consider that at all? Because she likes what is on offer right now? That is very short sighted IMO.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:04

But the OP hasn't asked for all this analysis, has she?

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:25

Well she has because she's said her friends tell her she is mad and is wondering if other people have this set up because of that.

If you want to say the op is not asking for my opinion, by that logic she's not asking for yours either is she? Just asking if other people had that set up and I actually think 'yes and this is why although it seemed good it turned out bad' is more relevant than 'if you're happy great!'

Blossum123 · 22/04/2014 11:30

Why not retrain as a dentist ?
Iv had a stressful career and don't really want another - x

OP posts:

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:32

We'll she asked for anyone with a set up like hers.

Blossum123 · 22/04/2014 11:34

What if he decides he's not really happy to pay for your retraining?
Then it would be tough - I would just transfer the money . As I said I deal with the money - the fee is actually already paid as I like to be organised .He wouldn't he is quite easy going - and he knows if I realy want something il do it x

OP posts:

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:34

You have obviously had a bitter time of it but you are projecting your own experience of your relationship that didn't work onto the OP.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 22/04/2014 11:35

Blossum, do you feel happy, is your family happy. If so enjoy it, don't worry about what your friends think or a bunch of anti SAHM strangers on mumsnet.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:36

Anyway Blossom... I'm in the same type of marriage as you. Works well for us.

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:37

If you were not married and had no children would you want to retrain as a dentist rather than a dental nurse?

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:39

I'm not anti-SAHM...

I am predominantly a SAHM. I'm just pointing out the problems with allowing a partner to 'take the lead'. It's nothing to do with being a SAHM or not.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:40

You are pointing out your problems with allowing a partner to take the lead .

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:41

But blossom what if he transferred his wages into an account you can't access?

I know it sounds quite dramatic, the point is that you are making yourself entirely dependent on his benevolence which is something you should at least consider.

If we thought our partners were untrustworthy then we wouldn't be with them but unfortunately they aren't all trustworthy in the end and often don't understand how important things might be to us.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 22/04/2014 11:41

I wasn't referring to you Offred, it isn't all about you.

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:44

So you dont find it a problem that your partner could exercise total control over your life and you are reliant on them to understand and be supportive in order for you to exercise your own choice?

Being happy with your lifestyle is neither here nor there.

How do you feel about slavery? Ok as long as the master is kind? Strange perception.

Fizzybangfanny · 22/04/2014 11:49

I'm a SAHM and wanted to be - but I'm starting to struggle.

Dp earns far more than me and child care costs means it's better for me to stay at home.

I've just text my boss and asked for some hours so I will be working for free basically because I can feel my brain shrinkng.

I could not let dp take the lead as apart from me being a control freak the house, money, life would go tits up.

A teeny tiny part thinks that if I took a back seat and turned in to a 50s house wife, I would be happier- but then I slap myself in the face- it's not me

There is only so much house work, baking and play groups I can take before I throw myself under a bus.

this was not how I thought it would be

If it works for you - go for it!

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:50

offred everything you say is about you and your issues. Stop projecting.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Fizzybangfanny · 22/04/2014 11:51

How do you feel about slavery? Ok as long as the master is kind? Strange perception

Slaves aren't free. op chooses to do this.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:52

Of course being happy with your lifestyle is definitely important. What a silly thing to say.

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:54

I'm not projecting and you are yet to offer a single argument as to why giving someone control over your life is not problematic.

So if someone chooses to give someone else control over their life that's ok is it? Slavery was not only bad because slaves were kidnapped.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 17 18

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.