Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

[Blossum123]

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

[WilsonFrickett]

As long as he keeps wanting to look after you, and doesn't take a notion to start 'looking after' Susan from accounts...

I'm happy things are working out for you but I could never give up my financial independence. I'm still not sure what you mean by 'take the lead' either?

[Fairenuff]

I think it seems so good to you because, even when you were working outside of the home, you still got lumbered with the cleaning and childcare which is unfair and would piss anyone off.

Imagine being an equal to your dh. Imagine you both work, are both financially independent, both receive validation, appreciation and respect, both share the housework and childcare 50/50, both have equal leisure time, etc.

I think that is probably more satisfying but if it isn't an option for you, then this set up works well as a second best.

[NearTheWindymill]

We have a traditional set up. He works 60-70 hours a week. I work about 40-45. I had 8 years off when DC were small. I have domestic help but I do everything at home and have let him focus on work totally.

Worked for us. He's happy; I'm happy. Not sure I'd be so happy with the arrangement if he didn't earn ten times my income but I feel that together we have made our family unit a success in every way.

Married nearly 24 years.

[GrassIsSinging]

If it works for you both and you are both happy, that's great.

I have a deep inner dread of becoming a housewife and spending my days on domestic chores, coupled with a very strong need to make my own money and/or know that I could support myself in to old age if my marriage went tits up. That might sound pessimisstic (been with DH for 13 years and very happy), but these things would absolutely stop me in my tracks from devoting myself to a domestic life. I also need the status and sociability that work affords me, and the feeling that although my family are my world, my life and identity have other facets outsde of the domestic/familial realm.

I realise not everyone has the same priorities, though.

[Blossum123]

I think that's the big difference i like taking care of him . He is working a extra day next week so I can go on a spa day with my gf for her bday . I said I couldn't go as our budget wouldn't allow / and accepted that / he came back and said he had put in for over time so I could go . It made me realise he wants me to be happy and has my best interests at heart - x

[GrassIsSinging]

Depends what you view as 'taking care of each other'.

I respect and love my DH and what is important to him is important to me, and vice versa. And we try todo the little things for each other that make a difference. He brings me tea in bed every single morning / I make his favourite meal every Sunday etc etc.

But I dont iron his shirts, make his packed lunch or fuss over him as a given. He doesnt want or need or expect that. We are both grown ups.

[pictish]

I am nodding at your post grass.

[Blossum123]

I'm trying to quote people but it's not working sorry ! I was trying to quote lady to the last post who said she's there for the kids not him - he's there for me in he went and put over time in so I could go on friends bday - also our kids are at school _ so through the day when they are at school I'm not really a sahm - and I'm happy to do things I know will please him such as his fav tea x

I think iv quoted the lady who said could it not be 50 50 leisure work etc - in reply
Not really he earns a lot more and has to do some over time - so I would be working as well on a week he did 6 days - he doesn't care about housework so it was always a row as he would want to relax . I don't see how it can be 50 50 when one of u has a job that demands more hours x

[hercules1]

If you don't mind me asking , why acid you start this thread if it's all so great? Most people who start threads in relationship do so because they are unhappy.

[Blossum123]

Totally get u - he pays into my private pension and I'm still working a few hours a week as don't want to loose my skills . X

[Blossum123]

Totally get u - he pays into my private pension and I'm still working a few hours a week as don't want to loose my skills . X

[hercules1]

You do come across as being a little submissive.

[NearTheWindymill]

How can he pay into YOUR private pension? Pensions are linked to your personal earnings and I think the premiums have to be declared on tax returns. That rings massive alarm bells.

[MorrisZapp]

If you're both happy then that's great. But most women I know would not like this set up, long term anyway.

Long term, I think most adults want to work, have leisure time, and for their partners to be their equal, without one 'taking the lead'.

I also picked up that when you did work, he didn't bother his arse with housework. Presumably if he had been willing to pull his weight then, you wouldn't now feel such relief at having extra time for housework.

I'm also a bit concerned about 'he has my best interests at heart', it sounds a bit like 'I know he loves me really'. Your best interests should be right up front, not buried under whatever you're living with day to day.

[Offred]

Why do you want to put yourself in a position where you have to ask him for permission to live?

This isn't about what particular roles you are each fulfilling in the family but your attitude.

I bet he is happier than ever as a 'blokes bloke' with you having his tea on the table and 'letting him take the lead'.

[CrystalBeth]

You sound like a servant tbh. I'm not surprised he loves having you at home when you do everything for him.

I'm not sure quite what you mean by he "takes the lead" but I'm assuming you mean he makes all the decisions,which IMO is just plain wrong. I don't mean to be rude but I'm struggling to understand how you can have any self respect when you are effectively a doormat?

[GrassIsSinging]

To be honest, it sounds like work was stressing you out and you have decided to take a a break and try a different approach that works better for you (and your family).

Having more time to pursue a course, see friends etc....whats not to love about that? I wouldnt criticise you for that choice, if you can afford that lifestyle and your DH supports you.

But you dont have to be a 'traditional' wife to do that, do you? If you stopped making his packed lunches, would the deal be off? Thats what makes me twitchy about the housewife lifestyle...cant quite put my finger on it, but its something around having to take sole responsibility for all the boringdomestic chores you would both, as adults, have had to sort out anyway...and feeling like because of that he then 'gives you' treats, like a spa day etc. des that make sense?

Not wanting to sound bitchy...just trying to work out how I feel about it, too!

[Fairylea]

We are fairly traditional. I used to earn 3 times more than him but I hated working. He loves working. So when we had ds (and I had dd from previous relationship) we decided it would make both of us happier if I stopped work and stayed home. And it works for us. We share all finances, have equal spending money and I don't miss working at all. I am very fussy about how I like things done at home and whilst dh would help out if I asked him to I actually don't want him to as I feel it's never done the way I like it!

However in other ways we are fairly modern- we both do the decorating and gardening as we both enjoy it. It's a hobby of mine. And he is just as capable of childcare as I am and we have equal leisure time.

I think as long as it's a choice rather than something that is forced upon you then all is good.

[Blossum123]

Quoting people is not working sorry !

I posted the thread as friends think I'm
Barmy and wondered if anyone else is the same ?

They described it as a traditional set up as I'm happy to take a backseat role and look after him .i feel a bit guilty as I do have a lot more spare time and a much more relaxing life than he does but he seems to like it - which I don't really understand . Yeah I clean the house do his tea snd pack up but I work 6 hrs a week that's it - in return he's happy to have little free time and provide for us.. I like it as I'm
Getting to do what I want but part of me felt bad so wasn't going to do it for long - I feel he's under more pressure and I'm getting a easy ride . So I feel guilty but he loves it and it's done our marriage so much good .i am looking at a career change and retraining as il want more hours in a few years so may as well retrain to do something I want x

[Creamycoolerwithcream]

Blossom sounds happy in her new set up, if you don't have the same wants and needs as her then you wont understand how this relationship can work.

[Fairenuff]

I don't see how it can be 50 50 when one of u has a job that demands more hours

Well, for example, you both have to get up in the morning to go to work, so you share the night feeds/night waking, even if you are going to be working 8 hours and he is doing 10.

Regarding the spa day, I don't see how him working overtime to pay for it is any different to you working and paying for it yourself? Are you saying that by giving up work you now have to rely on him for 'treats'?

[Blossum123]

Hercules 1
I think ur right I feel guilty - I always thought I was doing my bit working was gutted to be bringing less in - I didn't think I would enjoy it iv always worked - I feel guilty he's working so much x

[GrassIsSinging]

Its the subtext that rankles. 'Happy to take a back seat'...why? How? Why is she viewing her life like that? I genuinely dont get it.

Its not the choices being made by the OP and her DH, its the language used to describe those choices. I bet there are loads of SAHMs and ' housewives' out there who do NOT see their role as being 'back seat' at all and are actually more akin to being the driving force behind the family - doing all the budgeting, organising, keeping the whole show on the road.

[Offred]

That's rubbish tbh creamy. She hasn't been doing this long and so far her dh has been supportive of what she wants to do. She's given him the power to make decisions for her, as I see it, she may not see the process of asking him for permission as a problem (or even as asking for permission) until they encounter something she wants to do that he doesn't want her to do.

I see the asking for permission as a problem anyway - there's no equality.

I also think it sounds a little like he may always have wanted a domestic slave and has made her life hard until she saw it as an easy option.