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Original poster

Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

432 replies

Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 10:42

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 15:11

Add message | Report | Message poster SweetErmengarde Mon 21-Apr-14 13:00:20
This sounds perilously like that "Surrendered Wife" gubbins to me....

Never heard of it ?. . If I want somrthing I tend to get it - what I'm doing is just letting him take the lead a bit instead of trying to control everything - which in the end made me poorly .
Today iv pottered about with the girls ( yes made his tea! ) done the washing baked with the girls .hes finished work early as started at5 am .
He's come back and told me to have a rest and he will put washing out - he would of never of thought to offer b4 I would of had to of told him .its like he's going out his way to be helpful - if that's me been surrendered so be it ?

Is it a mums net term z? X

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 15:19

Just googled surrendered wife ! I wouldnt just do as he wants if it didn't suit me ! But I do just go along with things if I have no strong feeling one way or the other.
And i see myself as a housewife as our children are at school and I like to look after him .it works for us .
It pleases him that I cook for him and appreciate him and let him look after me . In return he works hard for us and is very generous and loving .
It seems to be very uncool to say u like to look after ur man - but hey I'm maybe to old to be cool .i though feminism was about having a choice - no ones forcing me in reality iv often felt guilty for him working so much

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 21/04/2014 17:31

I think DHs want the DW to be happy largely or partly due to their work, whatever that is. I read that in men are from mars etc and thought yes, they might have a point, cavemen were bringing home the food for many millennium so possibly that is something which is true.

My DH brought home the bacon for many years, working looooong hours, but I now realize that his work (meetings, lunches, banter in the office) was, imo, easier or certainly more rewarding than SAHM, which was my role. So I don't get that because DH worked long hours you are somehow the lesser person.

Another point is that this has been short term for the OP, perhaps after another 4 years she might be thinking - does she really have the best set up for her?

And is DH going to adapt when the DCs are older, really this arrangement is a changing scenario.

hercules1 · 21/04/2014 19:39

Yes, sweet, I thought "surrendered wife" stuff too. Just couldn't remember term.

grimbletart · 21/04/2014 19:55

I was wondering if you were the author of Surrendered Wife OP Grin

Well, whatever floats your boat I guess.

Wouldn't suit me. I prefer being an adult.

Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 21:03

Why is not been a adult liking looking after him ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 21:07

I think DHs want the DW to be happy largely or partly due to their work, whatever that is. I read that in men are from mars etc and thought yes, they might have a point, cavemen were bringing home the food for many millennium so possibly that is something which is true.

My DH brought home the bacon for many years, working looooong hours, but I now realize that his work (meetings, lunches, banter in the office) was, imo, easier or certainly more rewarding than SAHM, which was my role. So I don't get that because DH worked long hours you are somehow the lesser person.

Another point is that this has been short term for the OP, perhaps after another 4 years she might be thinking - does she really have the best set up for her?

And is DH going to adapt when the DCs are older, really this arrangement is a changing scenario.

My girls are at school so I guess it's a lot easier than if they were babies . The house isn't that big and I'm very organised so I tend to have a lot of free time .
He knows I intend to go back as I'm retraining - however I think il keep aspects of our life now x

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/04/2014 21:07

Because he isn't a child, or ill.

Original poster
Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 21:27

I think if someone is out of the house all day , earning , the other partner should look after them .

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 21/04/2014 21:32

What do you do all day?you said kids at school,manageable house.sounds like a total doss

Offred · 21/04/2014 21:56

I don't have the impression he bullies you.

I have the impression that he is 'the man of the household'. While that may seem a lovely fun game whilst you're all on the same page and wanting the same things, when you want something he doesn't or don't want something he does him being your superior won't seem like much fun.

I did read that you do the budget btw but that is pretty meaningless tbh.

Offred · 21/04/2014 21:58

And you don't apply your own logic to yourself. You both seem to feel when the man is out working the woman looks after him but when both are out working it is still the woman's job (not good at housework my arse - lazy and entitled more like).

Offred · 21/04/2014 21:59

And the behaviour you describe is sexism not masculinity.

ithaka · 21/04/2014 22:26

If it works for you, that is fine. It sounds dreadful to me, but the I have to work so I can afford to both keep and compete my horses, so I appreciate that I have very different priorities to most people. I

I suspect your DH, with his beer, night shifts and pack ups isn't really in the horse financing bracket. That is the nub, I suspect, you are content with a life that would not content me. There is nothing wrong with that. The hard work, dawn starts & vet bills do not make any sense, but I need excitement and challenge.

I work not because I have to, but because I want expensive and selfish thrills and it is not right the family budget should provide them. I could never let a man take the lead, because they always, always expect more attention than the horses. After 20+ years together, my DH knows his place.

WilsonFrickett · 21/04/2014 23:21

I think the fact you are retraining casts an entirely different light on this to be honest. This isnt the rest of your life, it's an extended holiday with a little bit of housework thrown in. I suspect most of us would like to get off the treadmill for a few months - I know I would, but I also know I would go nuts after a few months.

Of course, it's likely you'll end up retraining and still doing all the housework as that's now 100% your domain...

hercules1 · 22/04/2014 06:55

Ithaka has hit the nail on the head for re excitement and challenge. I earn more than dh but neither of us look after each other in the way the op me s. We're a partnership with neither being the weaker one and neither being the one in charge. Op, you haven't experienced this. I think if you had, you wouldn't want what you have now.
I love my career and it brings excitement and challenge in a way that looking after a house and a man would never. Never, ever.

FrontForward · 22/04/2014 07:25

I read too many threads on here where one person (usually woman) is very unhappy and doesn't know how to change their life.

You are happy and feel you have changed for the better so ENJOY

It might not suit other peoples idea of a good relationship but it works for you so don't worry about the rest. I think you have the same financial security as many other SAHM. You sound a lot lot happier but you're slightly guilty because you think you have a good deal. Don't be.

ithaka · 22/04/2014 07:30

The more I thought about this, the more the thought of making daily 'pack ups' for the occasional spa day sounded utterly grim and monotonous. It actually sounds like my idea of hell.

However, the OP is happy, so it just shows that we really are all different. And hearing about her life as certainly made me appreciate my own (and my wonderful, non blokey DH).

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 08:11

What are you retraining as, op ?

Simplesusan · 22/04/2014 08:12

If you are happy then fine.

Personally I agree with Ithaca, having to do daily pack up in exchange for one day out sounds grim.

I was a sham, then worked part time whilst doing the vast majority of domestic crap for my Styx.

Now I am with a very masculine man and I love it.

The difference is I don't do any of his cleaning, pack ups or any domestic chores whatsoever.

In return he does most of the driving, I sit and relax in the car and get to have a drink too!

He takes me out to dinner or we take turns cooking for each other.

I do think all this business of men wouldn't clean up Cook for themselves is utter crap.

Are you seriously saying that if you weren't there your dh would starve to death? Or never ever wash up?

I agree totally with your dh being happy with you cooking, buying him beer and providing sex. The difference is I get this all the time now but do not have to carry out the mundane sole destroying chores like I used to to get it.
Will finish off the bottle of wine that bf bought me after taking me out for dinner another time.

Simplesusan · 22/04/2014 08:15

Just to add I used to say to stbx that I wish I had a wife like me, who provided what I did whilst he simply went out to work. Drove me insane in the end.

Original poster
Blossum123 · 22/04/2014 08:34

What are you retraining as, op?

A dental nurse - very diff as Iv worked as a accountant for years !

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossum123 · 22/04/2014 08:44

What do you do all day?you said kids at school,manageable house.sounds like a total doss
Go to the gym read see friends / prob why I felt guilty !!

OP posts:
Offred · 22/04/2014 09:01

What are you going to do if after retraining your h isn't supportive of you working as a dental nurse?

Offred · 22/04/2014 09:04

What if he wants you to be around to wipe his arse cook his dinner and won't make concessions to support the career you want?

That's the position I found myself in. Even if you don't mind the inequality of being the inferior (in terms of power) partner, having someone who has all the power and is happy to support you is fine until they are no longer happy to support you.

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