Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

[Blossum123]

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

[anonacfr]

The only place I've seen/read about 'The Feminists' specifically criticising other women's choices has been the Daily Mail.

Fact is people are people and I hate the gender divide talk. I don't see why people should be attributed qualities or failures based on their genitals.

[AnyFucker]

You will never see feminists, on the MN feminism boards, putting down SAHM's.

If anybody would like to find me a quote, please go ahead but you might as well put your feet up and join me for a nightcap, because it just don't happen

[morethanpotatoprints]

Bloody hell I'm a Feminist, always knew I was really.
Thanks Annie.

In fairness though, it is easy to assume that feminists wouldn't like the traditional family set up because we are being told this all the time.
people in rl aren't like this, but I've lost count of the times I have heard somebody criticised for choosing this approach and flamed, and accused of putting Feminism back years.
I don't think some people understand that you can choose this life if you want to, if it makes you happy. We are not all the same and everybody is entitled to live as they wish as long as they are hurting nobody or breaking the law.
Just because you don't understand or don't want this for yourself is no reason to judge others who have chosen a different lifestyle to yourself.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Sigh. There's an awful lot of presumption on this thread about what feminists would or wouldn't find "desirable" in a relationship.

Let me clear it up for you. Whatever you're doing, however you divide up the chores/decisions/earning/childcare/housework - as long as it is genuinely your choice, as long as you are happy with the setup and are not putting yourself at any kind of emotional, financial or free-time deficit in deference to your DP/DH, feminists are not remotely interested nor do we pass judgement.

HTH

[Joysmum]

I have to admit I'm another one who who like to get clarification if what is meant by 'taking the lead'?

In my marriage, we both delegate to each other in the areas where the other is better.

I'm sure some many feminists could see the fact that my DH is in control of many aspects of our lives as sinister or undesirable, to see me as being oppressed. However, there are many things that I take control of too. It's a partnership in that respect which each of us with our own specialist areas of contributing to the partnership.

[PrincessBabyCat]

I've been the bread winner and worked while my husband worked a smaller job and stayed home and kept the apartment in order. He's been the bread winner now while I take care of baby and keep the house (kind of) clean.

We've been just as happy both ways, I'd be happy enough to get a job where he can stay home with the baby while I go to work.

I don't think either of us have taken the lead though. We each have our own choices that we support, and we make most major decisions as a team.

[QuietTiger]

Do I have this kind of setup now ? No, I don't actually. I am still a singleton. Do I want this ? Yes, I would love it if it can happen for me too. Do men just want to take the lead? In my honest opinion, I think if you have a very close relationship with your partner, a part of the guy may actually want to take care of you. I just feel that this is just natural. (Regardless of whether they tell this to you directly or not sometimes.)

I wouldn't describe that as necessarily "taking the lead" and I would describe it as a perfectly acceptable thing to want. My DH, for e.g. is very, very protective of me, likes doing things for me and likes to take care of me and do nice things for me. It makes him happy to do that, but he's not "taking the lead".

To my mind, "Taking the lead" is dictating or telling, a "partnership" is not

as an e.g. to the difference: I have a blue jumper...

1. DH says "I like you wearing that blue jumper you have because it suits you and you look lovely in it..." - I'm likely to put the blue jumper on because I feel good in it because I've had a compliment about it. Choice. If I wanted to wear a pink one instead, I could/would.
   
   
2. DH says "You will wear that blue jumper tonight." - Surrendered wife doing what she is told by her DH. No choice.
   
   I may be simplifying things, but that's how I see it.

[BIWI]

Maisie - could you answer my question, please?

[morethanpotatoprints]

Blossum

What do you mean by take the lead? I may be dim, but it seems that it is you who takes the lead in many ways.
For example if you are in charge of the house and dc do you have autonomy here? Do you do the shopping and organise things to do with the home?
My own similar experience has shown me that even though we have a traditional type of nuclear family, I wear the trousers

[Maisie0]

Blossum I apologise for getting involved in the diversion of the thread. My answer to the open question is below.

Do I have this kind of setup now ? No, I don't actually. I am still a singleton. Do I want this ? Yes, I would love it if it can happen for me too. Do men just want to take the lead? In my honest opinion, I think if you have a very close relationship with your partner, a part of the guy may actually want to take care of you. I just feel that this is just natural. (Regardless of whether they tell this to you directly or not sometimes.) I do think that it is indeed a luxury in this day and age to be a stay at home mom, but if I can afford to, and my partner is okay with this, then I too would want to spend more time with my children if I had any. I do believe that the children can be more secure and they have more empathetic skills if they are raised by people in a more loving nature. I once read that when children are born, they need to associate to a "primary carer" to fulfill their own needs. Most often, I take this to be the mother. But in a very close and secure environment, this intrinsic needs is lessened and you can see the behaviour and the comfort of the child when they grow.

My sister is a stay at home mom now, and I can see the benefit, and my nephew is also quite confident as well overall. I am quite surprised by the difference between him and my other nephew who did not have his mom looking after him all this time. I can also often tell that my SIL also do try and now "compensate" too for my nephew for not being there when he was younger. The spoiling thing has started to occur as well. So it also does affect the mother too.

[MorrisZapp]

Thread title asks a question. Nobody gets to police who answers it.

Do men like taking the lead. I don't know. Give examples of taking the lead.

Etc etc, fourteen pages of bizarre circular posting and nobody having any idea of what OP actually means.

Maybe one of the posters who says they too are like the OP could elaborate on the thread title, and tell us how their man takes the lead.

[Custardo]

blossum123, ignnore the twatty posters, they will always be on any given thread with their professionally offendedness.

anyway,

i have my own sense of self, i have been married 25 years, i have three gorwn up kids and we have gone through many phases - i have been at hme, he has been at home, both studying with kids, both working etc -

i did find pretty early on, that i could not let my sense of self be wrapped up in dh, i am happy with him ( most of the time) however i do not rely on him for my happiness. i have my own friends i go out and see, my own interests and hobbies etc - i have a life he isn't part of, and i thinkas long as you do, that will be good, becuase if you have nothing to bring to a conversation but " oh you won't believe how difficult it was to stack the dishwasher" you will become dull

[Blossum123]

Oh I hadn't seen the specific chat section x

[Offred]

I was thinking of their own willies when I put 'unlikely' tbh! They do seem to be born with willy obsession but then girls also seem to be partial to a regular fiddle in a similar vein too... If that really doesn't translate into adulthood I reckon there's a strong case that it is socially constructed ideas about each gender's sexuality that are to blame.

[Offred]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[AnnieLobeseder]

"it is unlikely all men like any particular thing because they aren't one big homogenous lump"

I was going to disagree with you, Offred, and say that all men like boobies. But then I remembered that some are gay. So you're probably right

[Offred]

Despite you looking for people in a similar position blossom and asking if all men like to 'take the lead', we're all still in the dark about what you mean about traditional and 'letting the man take the lead' 400+ posts on.... Surely it would just be really easy to explain so we could say "oh yes I have a similar set up" or "oh no, mine is different" and "I mean that xxxxxxx" so we could say "no I don't think all men like that" or "yes I do think all men are like that".

As it stands we can only debate the merits of various possibilities and say it is unlikely all men like any particular thing because they aren't one big homogenous lump.

[Fairenuff]

Yeah, probably should've posted in Chat Blossum. However, you find that most people on mn are here for debate. And you did post the debate question 'Do men just want to take the lead'.

If you just want to chat, start another thread in chat. But it may well go the same way as this one.

[BIWI]

Maisie What on earth do you mean by this:

"When we suppress our natural sense of self, this is whereby very odd and funny things happen. As in perversion of a gender. I see this as happening more and more now in this day and age. I hope to shield my children from actually being manipulated and perversed in this way in the future."

[Blossum123]

I certainly hadnt expected to be called a liar ! All very odd .some people despite not sharing my view are obviously genuinely nice people - and if we had chatted on a cooking thread it would of been different .
However some people are a best rude and hostile . I'm not sure there has been any need for that . But I think that says more about them than me

[Fairenuff]

One assumes that if you are like-minded, then you would've understood the sentiment behind her thread. If you do not, and need clarification, then it means you do not "get her". If this is the situation, then should you not give the courtesy to the OP and respect her as a poster, along with following forum rules, and actually just act as accordingly

It's quite obvious that I don't 'get' her Maisie, I've said as much several times and asked her to explain but she either can't or won't.

Offred and I are not of the same opinion either. Offred is worried that OP may be sleepwalking into a surrendered wife situation without fully anticipating the consequences and I just think she's a standard SAHM. Tbh, I'm not actually sure what you think on this.

I've asked OP to clarify but she has declined.

I've tried to following your reasoning and you seem to want to lump all the men together and all the women together and assign attributes to them as a gender. That is sexist.

[Blossum123]

Fairenuff Before you guys go off on one. Can you for a single moment read where this thread resides ? It reside in the RELATIONSHIP section of the MN forum. The OP is not asking for asking than she is sharing her own situation and just want some kind of chit chat. That is all. At best, she is after opinions, and not a character assassination. I do not think that she is after a debate either. Or point scoring.

I wasn't after a debate - I hadn't realised that it would be such a issue . I'm defiantly not In for point scoring was just wanting to chat - maybe wrong place! X

[Blossum123]

Add message | Report | Message poster Fairenuff Sat 26-Apr-14 14:28:31
Is he quite a lot older than you OP?

Sorry was in response !

[Blossum123]

No only a couple of years x

[Offred]

People do usually have to explain what they mean if they want to be understood and the word traditional is quite subjective. Why are you so arrogant as to think you can understand the true meaning behind a subjective word typed on the Internet without it being explained? It's rubbish I'm afraid and you don't understand anymore than I do without further explanation.

This rubbish about only talking about sexism or equality on the FWR board is exactly why I am uncomfortable about the idea of 'feminism' tbh.