Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

[Blossum123]

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

[Offred]

He made comments like 'you already do too much, you shouldn't take on work as well'. My point was I wanted him to take on some of the burden so I could enter the workplace, he was planning for me to continue doing everything I already did. He was in control as the earning partner. I have left him in order to achieve a bit more equality and he has had to make some concessions.

[Offred]

What if he decides he's not really happy to pay for your retraining?

[Offred]

Can you see how you are giving him loads of power of your life?

[AnyFucker]

Why not retrain as a dentist ?

[ithaka]

The OP is happy, so it is not really for us to judge. We all want different things from life and at the moment this is working for the OP. It may continue to work, who knows? There are no certainties in life.

Mumsnet always fascinates me as there are so many different lifestyles and opinions shared. OP has made choices that give her a lifestyle I would hate, but she loves it. There is no right or wrong here, we all enjoy different things.

[Offred]

Of course we all enjoy different things but I don't think it is inappropriate to point out the, perhaps unconsidered, pitfalls of choosing to become an unequal partner in a relationship and give someone else the final say on your personal choices.

Nowt to do with what work in the family each does really but quite a lot to do with this idea that he's the man of the household.

[Offred]

It isn't about the lifestyle, she enjoys it now yes. Would she enjoy it the same way if she was prevented from working or if he stopped her retraining or basically vetoed anything else she wanted to do because she had become unsatisfied with the lifestyle? He clearly enjoys her being in this role, what if he stops enjoying it while she still does? What if she stops enjoying it while he still wants her to do it? She will be completely reliant on whatever he decides about what she should be doing and if those things happen to be compatible things will turn out fine but if they aren't she'll be in the shit won't she?

[Offred]

It's about the fact that by choosing to make him the boss of her life she's giving away her freedom to determine her own life for herself and her right to change her mind about what she wants/enjoys potentially.

[Twinklestein]

I suspect, as Offred suggests, because there's a lot of women on here who have this problem, that when you want to work again your husband may well be resentful, and you will, without question, have to do all the housework on top of your job.

It works for the moment because you're happy not to be working OP, but having never tackled your H on the housework front, you are simply storing up problems for the future.

[Thetallesttower]

I can understand why you enjoy life more now, you aren't working out of the home, your most stressful decision is what's for tea (I don't mean that as sarcastically as it sounds), you have more time for the children for yourself and are in a better mood when your husband gets in from work.

I am not sure this really has much to do with the dynamics in the relationship, your husband doesn't sound like he cares much which way round it all is and if you wanted to work, he'd be happy with that too. He doesn't sound like he would veto anything or indeed encourage anything, he sounds like he goes along with what you want, including you controlling all the finances (which is hardly Surrendered Wife territory, quite the opposite).

So its really about having the luxury to downsize your life and step out of the craziness that can be two parents full-time working and caring for children and doing the housework which can be too much.

I would love to step out- for about a year, but then back in again. I have supported my husband to step back (not out) occasionally, when he has less work.

I don't think there's anything radical in this set-up or indeed very traditional. If you announced you wanted to restart work tomorrow, sounds like you could and your husband would support you, equally he's happy if you stay home and do the housework and cook the dinner if that's what you want to do- I'd quite like a housekeeper and if you can afford to do this, I don't see the issue.

Whether it is satisfying for you personally in the longer term is another issue, sounds like it won't be which is why you are looking to retrain.

[yoyo27]

As always, negative comments.

I think it is fab! Many couples lived like this in the 'olden days' and lived very happy married lives for many years. My grandparents were married over 50 years! And my Nanny never worked her adult life. It suited them!

Do whatever makes you both happy, which it obviously does. If that's starts to change then you can always make changes you both agree on xx

[sonlypuppyfat]

I love not working and being a kept woman as my DH calls me! The DCs love it that I've always been at home for them too. It's what suits your family that matters.

[Offred]

Doing a budget is not having control over the finances when the earning partner can totally legally remove the earnings and put them into an account that the op cannot access.

Now the point is not about what the op's h seems like, whether he seems like he may be supportive or not, whether he seems a nice guy who would never remove the income etc.

The point is he has all the power to do that and as I found out it is soul destroying having to argue your case to your husband who you are meant to be an equal to. Even nice guys may not give up things that make their life comfortable in order to help their wife very easily. I just don't see why someone would willingly choose to give their freedom to choose away?

I didn't have much choice if I wanted to be with xh because of our particular financial situation/respective earning power together. I thought I was ok because he was a lovely supportive guy...

[Millyblods]

Blossom your life sounds lovely. Your happy and your husband is happy. Whats not to like. This is what works in your marriage.

[Creamycoolerwithcream]

It's nice to hear from someone who is happy with their life and marriage.

[Offred]

Yes, it is but the op's not posting about being happy. She's specifically asking if there is anything to be concerned about.

Do you actually disagree about any of the points re 'letting him take the lead' and how that will affect the op's self-determination? Seems rather illogical to me to not look beyond today and say 'if you're happy the great lets ignore the things that may store up trouble for the future!'

[Millyblods]

Their marriage is working and they are both happy within their marriage. Why look for problems.

[Millyblods]

She doesn't appear to be asking if there is anything to be concerned about at all. She is asking if anyone else has a traditional marriage.

[pointythings]

If you're both happy then of course there isn't anything to be concerned about, especially since you are retraining for a career that should be happier and more fulfilling than your previous one. It wouldn't be for me, I'd be bored rigid, but then I really enjoy my job.

In our household it's DH who is thinking of downsizing as he hates his job and it is having a negative impact on his health - I'm actively encouraging this, we can afford to do it and I hope he finds something soon.

However, we have always, always been a partnership of equals. No-one takes the lead in our relationship, we suggest, discuss and decide together. I would not want to change that, not ever.

[Creamycoolerwithcream]

I think their relationship sounds as if it's working, if it was me I would go with the flow if I and my DH were enjoying life. I've don't think over thinking things it necessarily a good thing. That is my opinion.

[WilsonFrickett]

It's not a 'traditional' marriage. It is one kind of marriage. I'm from a working class community where the women 'traditionally' worked - in fact, our town was famous for its dirty kids (of course they weren't, it just shows that wohp bashing is also 'traditional').

Of course the OP can do what she likes - it's her choice. But let's please stop harking back to these 'traditions' which only existed for a few generations of people, usually from a very specific class.

[Offred]

why look for problems?

Because there are problems - why ignore them just because everyone feels happy just now?

[Millyblods]

The op doesn't say she has any problems.

[Offred]

No, she doesn't say she feels badly about the current situation. I find it astounding that in 2014 a significant number of women would honestly be arguing that because someone feels happy just now, their partner 'taking the lead' and making decisions for them is not a problem and that considering how it may become a problem when she wants to do something he doesn't agree with in the future is 'overthinking'.

[Offred]

Do you really not see it as problematic that someone might sell their autonomy for a lifestyle that they currently find enjoyable and therefore end up with no power to change it? Seems like a gilded cage to me.