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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has left me while am 5 months pregnant with first child.

221 replies

bidleyboo · 27/10/2011 07:48

I am devasted. On sun 23 Oct i came home at 2pm to find that husband of 2 yrs had taken all his belongings and left home. I had panic attack called ambulance went to hospital. He never came but said he cared for me and baby but wants seperation and most probable divorce. He had stopped talking to me properly for 6 months, says no other person involved. I have no family/ siblings and totally isolated. Have lost 5 pounds weight in since 23 Oct and frightened that I will not make it. He wants to be at scans and birth. I am detroyed.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 27/10/2011 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 27/10/2011 08:02

Oh gosh. Do you have parents or siblings that you can go to stay with in order to be looked after for a while and get your head around this?

nothaunted · 27/10/2011 08:31

Talk to the midwife and/or GP asap. They will have seen it all and will offer support. My ex did various disappearing acts during pregnancy, it is scary. Ignore your H, he needs to sort himself out without your input and decide what he wants or is able to do. And no don't agree to anything yet. It is you and your baby first. If he can't cope, his one duty to the baby is to sort himself out so that he can at least offer you support as a mother if not as a partner.

glitch · 27/10/2011 08:44

You poor thing. Do you have any friends in RL who you have spoken to about this?

Just take each day at a time. Try to eat something, and don't try to resolve everything now. It will be a long process and you have months before you have to make any decisions about your H being at the birth etc. Just look after you.

Rogers1 · 27/10/2011 08:48

Bidleyboo...I was so sad reading your post. The most important thing...is you and your baby. I can't imagine how hard this is for you...but I would advise you visit your MW & GP....get some support. Do you have friends and family close by?
You do not need to make decisions about scans & your XH being at the birth at this stage. Focus on making decisions that are best for you. I am sorry I don't have any practical advise. Wishing you all the very best.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/10/2011 17:04

I am sorry that you are going through this.

First of all - imo, he lost the right to demand to be at the birth when he walked out on you. When you give birth, you are vulnerable and you need around you people who love you and who are there to support you and who you feel safe with. Someone who does a flit while you're out the house does not fall into that category! So I think you should be telling him to sod off and that you will choose someone else to be with you at the birth. He can wait outside if he wants to, but he's not coming into the delivery suite!

Do you have close friends who can be there? or could you hire a doula?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 27/10/2011 19:30

What a total shit.

First, what RL support do you have?
Second, call on everyone possible for support - family, friends, Midwife, Health Visitor, Priest.

Fourth, do not answer anything he has to say on text or email. If he phones put it down. Keep any texts or emails he sends you. Marshal your time for a couple of days. You are going to come through this.

How old are you?

You can come and stay with me.

mamas12 · 27/10/2011 19:43

You poor thing , I echo what everyone has said in that you really need to get some rl support and not to engage with him yet, it's too raw.

I know you don't want to hear this but you probably want him to be at the scans and birth because you think it might make him change his mind and come back toyou.

I don't think he will lovely.

Think hard, if he has done this now before giving birth then I think that's a really serious action he's taken there and I'm really really sorry for you you'll need some support to go throught this.

ImperialBlether · 27/10/2011 19:48

What a horrible situation.

You must talk to your GP immediately. You were obviously in total shock if you needed to be taken to hospital. It will take you a while to recover from that.

In your situation I wouldn't have him present at the birth. It will only upset you and give you hope for a future together. I'm not sure I would even show him the scan pictures. I wouldn't want any communication with him.

Financially, how will you manage? Do you work? Is your home rented or on a mortgage?

Do you mind my asking why you have no friends? Did he prevent that? Are you very shy?

I assume he has met someone else. It's highly unlikely he's gone off to be on his own. What a catch he is for the other woman.

Please let us know how you get on. You can always find company here and people who are interested in how you're getting along.

Original poster
bidleyboo · 27/10/2011 19:55

Dear UnlikelyAmazonian,
thank you for your saying I can come stay with you. I am 38 but both parents deceased 11 years ago and no siblings or any other family. I told priest and he said to be strong for baby and the few friends I have are great but all really have their busy lives. I am going to tell my doctor and all at hospital in a week from now as I don't want a breakdowmn.
He called 3 times today but only as I had to go to the hospital for a check up. Yesterday i was desperate and called him 4 times upset and wanting answers. He is sick as he said i could in future visit his ddfamily in Ireland with him but we would have seperate lives.
Today I did wish that i was deead and someone could find my body to keep it alive until baby comes in March.

OP posts:
turnedworm · 27/10/2011 19:59

You are not destroyed. You will come back from this stronger. At the moment it is horribly raw for you. My (now ex) husband left me when I was 3 months pregnant saying a miscarriage would be teh best outcome for us both (himself!!)- our daughter is now almost 7 and I could not adore her more. I chose a home birth alone - as I decided to take control of my life and the situation I was in, and do what i wanted. I have no local family and few friends to call on. The bond between my daughter and I is unbreakable and grew all the more stronger as a result of his lack of support, I think! Try to take each day as it comes and remember its your baby. Some say what doesnt kill you...makes you stronger...you will get there...hang on in there and take it one day at a time!

ragged · 27/10/2011 20:06

I'm so sorry to read this. It is a very similar to a friend's experience (husband left on day of 12 week scan).... but it's come good eventually. That's much I can tell you. She's happily remarried now (5.5 yrs later).

Original poster
bidleyboo · 27/10/2011 20:08

I can't see anything in front of me, it feels like a haze and i feel like I am on an Edge of a cliff, then I free fall. I wake up at night and want to scream and sad to be alive. I waited 2 years for baby to come and feel he has robbed me of a wonderful time of watching and feeling baby grow. Thank you also to turned worm, did your husband at the time of 3 months when he left did he tell you or just do it behind your back and did he return at any point and how long did he leave for? How long before the divorce proceedings took place. I am really scared, I don't think I can make it.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/10/2011 20:09

Have you told your friends?

I have a very busy life, but if this was happening to a friend of mine (or even a passing acquaintance TBH) she would have the freedom of my sofa, my spare room, my food, my hugs, and my attention.

Honestly, people will help you if you ask them.

So, so sorry you are going through this :(

As much as you can, disengage from him. He can only hurt you now.

Concentrate on keeping yourself and your baby safe.

Jellykat · 27/10/2011 20:12

I too had my XP leave when i was 3 months pregnant, and agree with what turnedworm says.. it is so important to take each day at a time at the moment.

Try not to think about who's there at the birth and all that stuff for now, concentrate on eating well, and getting enough sleep.

It really won't seem like it now, but you can do this, you really really can..x

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/10/2011 20:13

You can make it.

You can't see in front of you because what you thought was there has gone.

So just focus on right now.

You'll be able to see in front of you again in time.

Who have you told in real life?

Original poster
bidleyboo · 27/10/2011 20:23

I have told friends but do not have many. i am trying to find out if I can stay with anyone even for a night or 2. The eves are the worst time for me. That's when I don't want to be alive. I live near Angel tube at end of essex road. I am not working at the moment but i can try to keep busy in day, it's just hell from 6pm onwards.

OP posts:
Jellykat · 27/10/2011 20:40

Try to plan things for the evenings - a good film, reading a new book or mag.. can you knit or sew?.. Anything to distract your brain, so that you can switch off from the other things.

Original poster
bidleyboo · 27/10/2011 20:40

He also wants to take paternity leave but only to see me and baby for a few hours then go off to his seperated life. Proper/true paternity leave is for when a decent and normal man stays with partner for 24 hours or have I got it all wrong. How can I stop him from coming near me when child is born. I am distressed beyond belief.

OP posts:
Original poster
bidleyboo · 27/10/2011 20:42

Thank you Jkat but I can't even relax, my jaw and hands shake on their own, even when I am typing. I am in shock i think and am scared. I can put on heat but I am still feeling frozen.

OP posts:
Jellykat · 27/10/2011 20:47

bidleyboo, please deal with the paternity leave/contact etc issues later when you are stronger.. you've had an enormous shock.. it's too much now.

Have you eaten today??

SolidGoldVampireBat · 27/10/2011 20:52

Right now, whatever he wants is irrelevant. You can refuse to have any contact with him at all for the time being (if there are issues to sort out WRT the house then they can be sorted via email/solicitors).

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/10/2011 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

passionsrunhigh · 27/10/2011 20:57

OP, you are obviously still in shock! try drinking soothing sweet weak tea, and take some Valerian tincture or tablets at night (sold in Boots) as it's sleep inducing.
Did he even explain why did he leave? what a bloody coward, doing this to a pregnant wife without any warning! does he not understand that he is endangering the child putting the mother in this kind of state?! It could well be that he's severely depressed and is just in a world of his own, but then how dare he makeplans for being at birth etc.

allgoodindahood · 27/10/2011 21:10

I was in your place 6 years ago bidley. Slightly different in that I discovered his affair and when I didn't let him off the hook he disappeared. The shock and loneliness is so hard. I coulsnt eat for days, just drank ribena. I didn't care about the little baby inside me, just consumed by pain. But believe me it does get easier, little by little, and your baby needs you. My son is nearly 6 and I love him so much. And i have a new husband and daughter too. Dont let him ruin your life