Husband has left me while am 5 months pregnant with first child.

[bidleyboo]

I am devasted. On sun 23 Oct i came home at 2pm to find that husband of 2 yrs had taken all his belongings and left home. I had panic attack called ambulance went to hospital. He never came but said he cared for me and baby but wants seperation and most probable divorce. He had stopped talking to me properly for 6 months, says no other person involved. I have no family/ siblings and totally isolated. Have lost 5 pounds weight in since 23 Oct and frightened that I will not make it. He wants to be at scans and birth. I am detroyed.

Just wanted to say you can get copies of the scan photos - they'll have them on file.

OP, I know you're in shock, but this man sounds like seriously bad news. I know you want answers, but I hope you don't let yourself get too close to him now.

He is so confused and in circles but he must realise the magnitude of what he has done and the long term distress this is causing and will continue to. You have a few mins where the world is normal before you freefall in to despair and dark fear of how this evil reality that was dumped on me is going to unfold. I feel like a freight train came out of the dark and hit me in a nano second and this feeling repeats itself on me morning and night. I can't breathe sometimes. I wake up wide awake at 3am wanting to but not being able to sleep. He wanted this so it is on his head to tell the people in his world and at some point without coming from me, he will tell his work colleagues but probably something like,"oh, it wasn't working" I guess he will "forget to mention" that he left me at about 5 months pregnant with no warning. I feel sad but I am eating a bit now. I am going out as I would dress/wear make up as usual but I feel hollow and distraught as I have never done in my life. It's weird as I don't hate him and am not angry with him. I just am so very tired and exhausted. I think he will return the baby pictures and replace the baby book.

Bb keep on focusing on you and your wee baby ...

Think about the nice things that will happen in future .
Like your babys first smile , the first time she / he giggles with excitement when you come in the room . When your little baby puts their arms out for a hug.

First day at nursey , first day at school .

When out the blue you overhear her arguing with her friend about who's mums the best (of course it will be you ).

You have no idea how much fun you are going to have .

Even when you go out with your pram , at least one person will admire your beautiful baby and praise you .

Don't think about him , he's just the biggest fool in the world .
What an idiot to miss out on all of that .

Your baby is going to be adored by you and your friends and family.
Every time she/he kicks , she's showing you she loves you , and is looking forward to meeting you because you are her /his centre of the world.

When you can't sleep , have a milky drink and watch a funny film, or read a book.

The freight train feeling is the adrenaline ,from the shock , it will go ...as time goes on you will feel it less and less. It's probably why you can't sleep.

So to help that I'd recommend lots of happy foods ...like chocolate and things you loved eating as a child , will release those happy hormones. Red bush tea is good if you can drink it. As is calmomile tea .

When you get the feeling you can't breath , close your eyes and relax , think of when you were little, of your happiest childhood memory , perhaps a special holiday ...remember how it felt to feel sun on you , nice and warm and comforting....keep thinking about that warm sun and breath slowly and deeply .

It works !

(During labour do the same , and think about cold snow , fun snowmen , throwing snowballs happy times , think about cold snow how it numbs , so you feel only cold , no pain just comforting numbness, breath deeply and slowly ....just let the snow wash over you with every contraction,)
(( yes a bit lental weavery but try it , it does work ))

biy,

You are going to have so many things that he will now never have.

Your baby's first smile, first laugh, first steps, first words - all for you.

Your baby's love - all for you.

Your H is now H for history, the future belongs to your and your baby.

Droves has given you very good advice.

Dear Biyboo, I've just come across your thread and have read it from start to finish. I have rarely been so upset reading a thread as I have reading yours. You are very much in my thoughts.

Hi Biyboo, sorry for what you're going through. My partner left me when I was 3 months pg with our first child (someone else was involved). I understand your devastation. I still loved him and fought to get him back. He did come back when our daughter was born. Six years down the line and after having another child, he's gone again. Left a note for me to find when I returned from taking the kids out for the day.
It's difficult to hear, but once someone shows themselves to be capable of the kind of cruellty and selfishness that your husband has, they aren't worth your love. Take care of yourself.

Unless he accidentally picked the items up when he was packing his belongings, I cannot come up with any plausible reason as to why your h chose to take your scan photos and pregnancy records and the only reasons that have occurred to me are somewhat disconcerting.

It occurs to me that the reason he has taken the extreme step of ensuring that you cannot enter his place of employment, is that he has not told certain of his colleagues of his impending fatherhood.

Under the circumstances, I believe that you are best advised to tell any of his family/friends who may not know of your pregnancy of the fact and that he has decamped from the marital home, and please do avail yourself of micklemacklematernity's generous offer of hot drinks, biscuits, and tissues, together with free legal advice that will help you safeguard your position.

You are not compelled by law to advise your h of impending or subequent birth nor, I believe, are you compelled to give his details as father if you register the birth of your child yourself.

If you choose this course of action as an interim measure you may rest assured that the father's name can be added at a later date, and the fact that you have not named the father of your child on a birth certificate will not adversely impact on any claim you may make through the CSA.

Were a mishap to occur whereby, say, a key broke in your entry door lock of your home, you'd have no alternative but to change it and this would not necessarily present any legal problem unless you were unwilling to provide your co-mortgagee with a duplicate key to the new lock over your dead body.

Sadly I suspect that, sooner rather than later, you will discover that this is a tale of not uncommon twuntishness on the part of a member of the males of the species, in that your h has been leading a double life and is heavily involved with an OW.

I wish I could make the pain go away for you but, unfortunately, only time can ease your hurt. In that respect I hope that for you tempus does indeed fugit and that 2012 sees you in a much happier place.

You're going to be OK. Do take up the offers of help from other posters on here.
Tell his family if you haven't already done so. He's checked out already, but his cousins sound like they'd be interested and supportive.
Also, I'm wondering if English is your first language - are you a UK native? Or did you come here later in life? The reason I'm asking this is that there may be (with you living in That Fancy London) community groups for your nationality/ethnic group/etc that could provide additional help and support, or just a shoulder to cry on.
I'm in Oxford, btw. Not a gazilion miles away.
You will be fine....just ask for help.

I was so sorry to read your email, its a very difficult time and your hormones will be wrecking havoc on you at this time anyway without this further stress. I have been throught he same/similar situation at just after 3 months (pregnant) my partner packed his bags and left me for a month to stay with his friend, he also wanted to be part of it all etc and needed 'space' i went from furious (selfish xxx bastard) to total despair like you, i felt at times I could not go on etc but actually I also realised that i was strong before I met him and that i could build a life for myself and it made me realise that sometimes in a relationshipt we get too wrapped up in the other person and what they want and sort of forget about ourselves too much, you are very important and your baby will be an amazing new start for your life. Try to stop contact with him and take some time out for yourself, i found during this period that contact with him was actually stressing me more and that no calls etc were better, also as this is very hard I know but try not to 'dwell on the negatives' its incredibly hard when your pregnant and emotional. Pregnancy seems to have some very strong effects on men and I discovered that this happens alot from my midwife, thankfully we did counselling and we are back together and trying to work it out but who knows, its not something any woman forgets at a time like this. Good luck and keep your chin up we are all here for you x

also you do not need to put his name on the birth cert when your baby is born and he will find it difficult to claim paternity, the baby is yours and any contact you decide to have with him is your choice not his, take some control back and it will help you feel better, start making plans for your future without him and this will also help, change locks etc make him realise just how serious what he has done is. My partner was being egged on by a full blown idiot friend who has been divorced and i think hates womenm he wanted to keep him as a single mate and ruin his life, men are pathetic and nowhere near as strong as women, not that i am making any excuses this behavour is totally unacceptable and disgusting.

I've linked your short thread today to your earlier longer post: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1341915-Husband-left-me-at-5-months-pregnant-its-been-3-weeks-ago-now

This will bring your long post to the top of the board. If your short post isn't added to, it will slowly go down the board and disappear into the back pages.

When you come back to this post, if you don't see it on the first page of the board take a look at page 2 or 3 etc to find it.

You can also keep it in posts that you're watching and then you won't have to hunt for it.

Thank you so much. My ICT skills not good at best of times but I actually have booked a years worth of 1 2 1 online lessons last Fri. Thanks again. I just a few moments of happiness thinking that this creep will sadly pop in out of my life due to baby but I don't have to put up with 99% of his nonsense ever again. He can make some other poor person's life depresing and no doubt his own.
I saw a memorial service today in a park and I really felt for all the families and wives/partners who have lost truly good people in war. That must be just, well unimaginable pain and loss. I really felt then that I could have had a lucky escape but I also am aware that emotionally and with divorce/pregnancy to get through it is going to be really tough at times.

Have you been in touch with micklemacklematernity'? Take advantage of their generous offer as you need their expertise to counter some of the bollocks he's coming out with.

It feels like being hit out of the blue by a sharp cane across the back of my legs and my knees literally fall forward.
you know this creep said to me on my wedding day in front of his male friend to show off that the first time he saw me he was on his way to another date. The creep had told me this before but I thought it was particular bad taste to repeat the story to put me in my place in front of his male friend who looked at me a bit surprised. I quickly turned my head away.

I am British but my typing skills v bad as eyes sore from tears and my head hurts all the time. It feels like a big sack of potatoes are placed on my head and the pain of continual weight is passing down my shoulders. Oh please God let this baby grow srong and healthy inside me. I waited 2 1/2 years for it.
He hasn't even told his work colleagues/secretaries who I used bake cakes for and give home cooked lasagnes to about what he has done or even me being pregant.

Is there any reason why you shouldn't be broadcasting the news? I think not... and I think a megaphone in the form of roundrobin emails and a series of phone calls are in order.

But how do you know he hasn't told his work colleagues? Are you in touch with any of them?

Izzy, in the 6 yrs I knew him he made it very clear and would get extremely hacked off when I ever mentioned that it would be nice to see where he worked, you know, what office looked like, views out of windows. Last night I was writing and found some letters sent to him early on in relationship. I bared my soul to him and all the way through in the 6 years I always said how important communication was and without, well you have nothing. He didn't get it. I cried a lot last night but for the first time not for my own pain and loss but for how someone like him constantly punishes themselves and thrashes others their entire lives and can't let happiness or true/good things in.
I know him enough to say a good chance he is not saying much about divorce and not even sure apart from his family and 2 male freinds who he has told that I am pregnant. He would not talk to me about anything. Who knows what he says or does. I need now to take care of me and a baby.
I woke up at 4 am thinking that all that has happened was a dream. I hate that feeling.
When I was with him I respected that he liked to be "private" in showing true feeling/self to all incl family, friends and work colleagues on every level, odd I thought but I let him keep his boundaries. Now that he wants to end with divorce I just don't want to be as dark as him and tell all to all. I think people pick up things themselves and can put behavioural patterns and pieces together. I could not live like this, to me it would be a living hell and a very toxic life. I do understand that you don't have to be an open book to anyone but his entire being and self was continually locked from emotion, communication and giving or recieving love in any shape or form. When at 38 you are like this, I don't think there is much time or space for change. This is why I cried last night, first pity cry for him. What a sad way to live, unfortunately messing other people's lives as he tumble weeds his way through a secretive non trust based life
I pray that one day all above thought flick in and out of my mind in a nano second.

biyboo , im so sorry you didnt get a good night sleep last night .

I think i understand , some people like to keep their life private .... but that doesnt mean you should keep your life private to save your H`s privacy.

You are the one who is pg , and has been abandoned. You have the right to shout it from the roof tops is you want to. No one has the right to tell you to keep quiet. It is a very toxic thing to do to insist another goes along with this. I agree your H is in a very dark place.

That doesnt excuse his actions or requests , but might be a reason to understand why this has happened.
Fact is , hes not functioning in the usual way . Tumbleweeding through life in a secretive non trusting way , is not right at all . Frankly , does he seem paranoid at all ? .

I am begining to think , that you may just have had a very very lucky escape from this man. The fact hes gone , means that your baby will grow up in a loving home , free from tumbleweeds !!

Biyboo

I have read this thread and I am so sorry for what you are going through. Lots of sound advice on here. I have nothing directly relevant to say to you, but my mother was Irish and got pregnant in the 60s...the man concerned was a complete Shit, but the fact that your H was married to you makes it even more incomprehensible I do think you have had a lucky escape, although in the meantime the pain is clearly indescribable.

I work in central London, but could meet for a coffee if you want to talk? Angel is just a bus ride away.

I hope you begin to feel stronger soon.

I will read through this in a minute. Just wanted to say my H left me at 38 weeks pg with baby number 4 - the pain, physical and emotional was indescribable. All you can do is eat, drink, sleep, wash and go to the toilet. Sounds silly but even these things took a massive amount of energy for me. I survived for months on tea and vitamin pills, basically.

I'm not going to lie - a baby alone is HARD. I found it easier to BF because of sleep, less to remember when going out, and something that i could do right and was just MINE in a time when i couldn't tell you what colour the sky was. I roped in people available for school runs. I asked people to cook big pots of stew for me and dc. I had a homestart lady who persuaded me to leave the house and go for coffee. I gave birth without him there - to me, he gave up that right.

You will get through it - that little baby's face will spur you on, even in the dark days.

I just don't want to be as dark as him and tell all to all

If you're not open and honest with others, you'll become as 'dark' as he is.

Let light into your life by refusing to cover for him and let this be your first step to coming out of his shadow.

On rememberance Sun I thought of all the decent men that have died who wanted to be with their children, who loved their wives/partners. I felt for families and loved ones who had lost genuinely good people and thought for the first time maybe this was a lucky escape from a very mixed up and yes sadistic and perverse man.
On the tube today, for the first time in my life when I glanced at men coming in and out of carraige, I thought to myself, I wonder if you are the type to run off and leave yor partner when she is pregnant even though you look normal. I felt a bit sad that I felt this.