Husband has left me while am 5 months pregnant with first child.

[bidleyboo]

I am devasted. On sun 23 Oct i came home at 2pm to find that husband of 2 yrs had taken all his belongings and left home. I had panic attack called ambulance went to hospital. He never came but said he cared for me and baby but wants seperation and most probable divorce. He had stopped talking to me properly for 6 months, says no other person involved. I have no family/ siblings and totally isolated. Have lost 5 pounds weight in since 23 Oct and frightened that I will not make it. He wants to be at scans and birth. I am detroyed.

Biyboo, ten years ago my ex did this to me, though I wasn't pregnant at the time. But I remember the feeling of sickness as I realised he'd moved out while I was at work. He gave no prior warning of this before going. It took me months and months to get over it. I honestly thought at the time that I never would get over it.

Now looking back I think I had a lucky escape to get away from a man who would treat me in such a way. Someone who is such a spineless twat to finish a relationship in such a way, especially when you're pregnant is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Have you got any other family you can go and stay with or any friends you can spend time with?

You've got friends to meet up with here, biy, people who've been through what you have, too, even. And I can vouch that Unlikely is not a hairy-handed trucker. :o

Sorry just seen that you don't have any other family. You must tell your friends how bad you're feeling. Talk to the Samaritans if you feel you need to talk to someone.

OK look, one day at a time. You are grieving, and it's a day by day process, so there's no point looking at Christmas as though it was tomorrow. Which is not to say you'll be better by Christmas(!) but you'll be different. You'll have processed this in a different way.

Do you have any aunts, cousins etc? Even ones you've lost touch with?

You need to carve a circle for yourself. Your local NCT will have a bumps and babes drop-in. That's a good way of meeting new mums...

You have family, you have your little baby, take care, he is bein6 a shit. You will come out of this and be so, so stron6 as a result. Take care, you can do this x.

Agree with the grieving comment. A relationship ending like this is like a bereavement.

Oh no, it's waaaaaayy worse than a bereavement. At least with a bereavement you can generally accept that there was nothing anyone could do, it's an awful loss but your loved one couldn't help it - with THIS situation the bastard did it deliberately - that's soooo much crueller than a bereavement. :(

biyboo - did your doc offer you anything to help you or not? I hope your regular doc can - but you are still in shock, you know, the symptoms you are describing are those of shock. Have you tried the hot sweet tea? It does help, as does Rescue Remedy (available from many pharmacists and health food shops).

Just wanted to lend you some support as well. My XDP left me when our daughter was nine months old and it was hard, hard, hard. I can only imagine what it's like going through that sort of emotional turmoil when pregnant. I'm not sure I have anything to add to the good advice you've received except to say that just take it day by day, hour by hour if you have to. I swear to you, it will get better, you will get through it and YOU DESERVE BETTER than this man. Hang in there, and keep us posted- hopefully it helps to talk.

I discussed this only yesterday Thxum with my friend... and sometimes even though the person doesn't get over losing a person by bereavement but can't blame the person and they loved their partner...what we have in this situation, mine and sadly many others here which I was trying to explain even before seeing this thread is that person is their and coming back often using children as a weapon/reason to feel they own the person making the wound deeper the more they hurt the mum esp when it is messing around the dc

Please use those telephone numbers...their is a Woman's Aid 24 hr number too if Samaritans is busy visa versa....but pray you get some RL hugs/support from other London mums. I did car boot sales to buy a lot for ds which saved a lot of money and occupied my time going around looking....distraction is great...get those pregnancy magazines. When I nearly lost ds at 38 weeks..I could not breath and they thought ds wasn't getting enough oxygen and his heart rate kept dipping...so please please try and stay calm get some relation music on internet going and do deep breathing. After I was discharged from hospital a week later ex told me to F off when I phoned him...it was v v awful I was so ill and my blood pressure went through the roof with stress...I never contacted ex again till ds was 4 weeks old...6 weeks later...even then he slammed phone down when I said 'ex you have a ds'...it sadly got worse and worse the anger from ex ..I know have CCTV 8 years later...but if you draw the line and don't take the nonsense like I did maybe ex will stop as you will nip it in the bud early...I truly hope so....don't let him make the wounds deeper Bi, stop all communication with him now and go via solicitor...otherwise you will see the wrath of his actions get worse. You and your unborn baby deserve not to have this t@at in your lives. Stay well and keep talking about it here...it will help when you can't talk to someone on the phone/RL.

Biyboo I am sorry that I can't come and visit you, we're three hours drive away. But you need not be on your own for xmas (and as someone just said it's weeks away, so don't worry about it yet). You could come to us (if you can handle vegetarian dinner, I guarantee to stuff you stupid!). Otherwise maybe you could consider going to help at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen or similar? I realise that is early days for you to be thinking like that yet but it might be a thought to turn over in your mind.
I hope that some local Mnetters have been in touch with you. Please keep posting so we know you're ok. x

I'm also on at odd hours if you need to chat (GMT-8).
So sorry this has happened to you. Poor little boo (both of you) :(
((((HUGS))))

Hi there biy how are you coping? have you had anything to eat and managed to see doc/any friends/speak to anyone in RL about it all, and get some naps?

There is a very good book called 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' written by Susan Anderson. It deals specifically with being abandoned and describes the stage you are at now as 'shattering'. It's message in the early stages of panic and trauma is to put effort into concentrating on 'The Moment' - ie the exact moment you are in right now....breathe deeply, focus on the moment you are in: stop what you are doing, empty your mind, listen to background noises, what you can smell, what you can see, just exist intensely in the moment. Try this each time the emotional pain becomes really bad. Just get through the moments, the minutes, the hours.

When my ExH ran away I used the word 'trashed'. I felt trashed, completely trashed. I thought my life would never get better. I had no family to help me and most of my closest friends were scattered around the country and not close. It got so terrible that after a month I had my baby removed from me for two days by SS. This was a turning point of sorts. I knew I had to find some strength from inside or I risked losing him and I loved him so very very much.

I began to get very angry - you will get angry too eventually. Probably quite soon. Anger is galvanising and part of your recovery process. After four months I began to turn some kind of corner. I think it was simply time - the passing of time and the body giving in to sleep and hunger. The terror and fear and adrenalin surges can't go on indefinitely..

There is so much we are learning now about our brains and how they function during and after a trauma. The shattering stage - the initial trauma - physically destroys neurons; it literally blows the circuitry of the brain. I actually felt like my brain had blown all its fuses. It had fried. But slowly the neurons re-build. They re-connect. You begin to get better. Your brain and your heart begin to function again. This will happen for you - I know it may not feel like it right now, but you will recover from this and your baby is going to be an absolute joy to you.

There's a very good charity called Homestart - there is a branch in Islington and its number is 020 7609 8030. Google them. I had a Homestart volunteer for over a year. She was matched to me and came to see me once or twice a week. I just cried all over her to start with. We became good friends in the end. Please ring them. Also, go and see your local Surestart centre - the one closest to you looks like it's the New North Children's Centre, 190 Packington Square, N1 7UG
Tel: 020 7359 3302. I found Surestart fantastic - lots of other mothers and mums-to-be around, all sorts of classes and advice, Women's Aid had a senior worker based at ours a lot of the time and they offer free legal, benefits and housing advice too. I had some free counselling there for a short while. Throw yourself at these people and ask for the help you and your unborn babe now need.

Anyway sorry it's all got so long. Thinking of you lots as your posts have brought back stark memories of just how traumatised and in pain I was three years ago.

Oh darling I'm trying not to cry for you here. This thread has brough back several bad memories for me. I was left 3months pg this year. I starved myself coulnd;t eat, lost weight cried for what felt like forever. until my tears turned into rage and I'm still raging. I'm not far from you if you want to meet for a coffee next week I can. I felt so alone like you and my heart breaks for anyone who's gone thought this when pregnant. email me if you'd like to meet. Stay string honey it will get better I promise xxxx

Unlikely, I remember following your story as it unfolded, can't believe it was three years ago? Just wanted to tell you how gorgeous your little boy is, and say that your post to Biyboo was brilliant.

Biyboo, I am very local to you and am happy to come and meet up for a chat. Something very similar happened to me so I have an idea of how you feel, I remember the evenings being horrendous and dreading the clock edging towards 6pm every day. Anything I can do to help, just let me know.

I am worried as I if I leave the house he could enter and go through my things and now this monster is really creeping me out. He said he would call police on me if I change locks on his house. I feel sick, unsafe and full of fear and isloated.

When did he say this? have you spoken to him/had a text? Who are you seeing today for help? Hold on in there. Do you have anyone at all to come and be with you today?

Do you jointly own the house?
Do you know where he is staying now?
I can come and meet up with you just outside your place if you want to keep an eye on the front door, so to speak. Is there any reason why you think he would want to go through your things?

Do you own the house between you? Or rent it? If you jointly own the house, it is illegal to change the locks on him anyway, so calling the police would be to get them to let him in - he's entitled to do that (but that doesn't make it right).

Is there anyone at all who could come and stay with you? Why do you feel unsafe - has he been violent towards you? If so, call the police yourself, and log the thread - call Women's Aid and talk to them about what you can do to feel safe.

You will be ok. You will. Keep talking to us.

Where is he staying? Has he told you? Hang in there. Keep posting.

biyboo is your name on the deeds, or is it just his? If so, you are entitled to change the locks, though I would change them anyway.
Have you sought legal advice yet? You need to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. Especially if it is just his name on the deeds, as you have no right to be in the house if it isn't :(

Try to eat and drink something (((hugs)))

Call the police or women's aid NOW. Either will be able to tell you what to do in order to make your home safe.

You have every right to feel secure. This man is abusive.

I KNOW how much you are hurting, my brain felt like it had exploded and nothing seemed real. I really felt I had fallen down the rabbit hole. Some things you never get over but you do in time learn to live with. This is probably the most awful thing you'll ever experience at a time when you'll never be more vulnerable.

I'm on the other side of London to but you are more than welcome to spend Xmas with us, if only to show you there is life beyond what this man is doing to you.

I just want to give you a great big hug. Is this a council property? Or private rented? Who's name is the flat in? He can call the police all he wants. I'd get the locks changed. How fricking dare he I';m raging on your behalf right now.

Bidley, I so feel for you. Please make sure you eat, even if it's a little bit of soup or a small sandwich.

I am based in South East London, if you need company or just a shoulder to cry on, I am more than willing to buy you a coffee.

Just take it day by day, I am sure you will get plenty of support here. Don't be afraid that you will spend Christmas alone, there will be plenty of offers from people.

Well, you don't need to change the locks. You can put the door on the catch, or bolt it if you have a bolt, and then go out the back door. Does he have a back door key with him? Bet he doesn't

Now see, that's a very clever plan indeed, Robotindisguise! An inside bolt on the door would be a great idea. You can then bolt it when you are at home as well, to stop him coming in when you are there - that would help you feel safer?