Husband has left me while am 5 months pregnant with first child.

[bidleyboo]

I am devasted. On sun 23 Oct i came home at 2pm to find that husband of 2 yrs had taken all his belongings and left home. I had panic attack called ambulance went to hospital. He never came but said he cared for me and baby but wants seperation and most probable divorce. He had stopped talking to me properly for 6 months, says no other person involved. I have no family/ siblings and totally isolated. Have lost 5 pounds weight in since 23 Oct and frightened that I will not make it. He wants to be at scans and birth. I am detroyed.

How are you feeling this morning bidleyboo? I've been reading all recent posts...have you thought more about visiting the doctor or MW for support?
My only bit of comfort...when you get through this...which you will (stronger than ever) & you hold your wonderful baby in your arms....the love & protection you will feel...it will give you the strength. Until that day comes...we are all here.

I woke up at 4am. I have eaten a banana but my throat feels swollen and i can't swallow. I keep remembering all the strange things he said supposingly to make me feel better such as, don't worry you have the cat. He added that at his work there is a 8 month pregnant woman who still comes to work and that in a day or two I will feel better. He also told people at his work place not to let me in. In 5 yrs I have known him I only ever went there 2 times the 2nd time on mon afternnon, a day after he left. I asked politely and totally normally if possible to see my husband and was told that he had given my description and not to under any circumstances let me in. I have never told anyone of his friends anything ever.

biyboo - he's left the relationship, that's for sure. I had a friend whose DH did this and he refused to see her, he moved towns and she drove over there (service apartment) - he had the man on the desk refuse to let her in.

I agree that there is very likely to be another woman on the scene. Men very rarely just up and leave one domestic set-up without another to go to, or at least the potential for another - very rarely. His refusal to allow you into the work building may indicate that she works there; it may also be just because he doesn't want his work colleagues to know just how much of a colossal shit he really is.

Sweet milky coffee and bananas kept me going for the first four weeks after my fiancé left me for a woman at work - I lost 1.5 stones in that 4 weeks. However, I wasn't pg at the time. I totally get the inability to swallow feeling though - you might want to look at getting some soups in to keep you better fed.

Agree entirely that you are still in complete shock - this will fade and you will get Angry. The anger will help you deal with this - but as has been said, you need to go to the GP and talk to the MWs to let them help you manage the pregnancy as well, given the enormous stresses you are now under. You Will Be Fine, your baby Will Be Fine - but let people help.

Ooh Biyboo I'm so angry for you at his horrible behaviour, taking your pregnancy books and telling them not to let you in at work. I'm seething actually

Right that's the angry bit done with. I'll be angry for you, so you can concentrate on your new life and what good things are round the corner for you.

I had this too (joins end of long list....). XDP left me at 2 months. He too expressed his desire to be at the birth, assured me that he was still in the picture, he just found me too emotional and in fact his 19yr old OW was really amazing, I'd like her if I got to know here, we could be friends. Ha!
Well I went into meltdown and felt the same as you are describing on a daily basis. I couldn't face being pregnant and though of giving my baby up for adoption. I ended up hitchhiking to Portugal at 6 months. I was trying to escape my bump and put myself somewhere that XDP couldn't contact me even if he had wanted to (unlikely). Nearly had baby in Spain but changed my mind after hearing about their archaic maternity wards.

Gradually I managed to find a bit of myself to cling to that still wanted to live. The moment my daughter was born I looked at her and thought 'Heck! If I'd have known how much I was going to love you I would have started months ago!' XDP lurked a bit and tried to get back into our lives, I found that I didn't want him any more, the rat. We went to court and they prevented him from bothering us (DV).
This was twenty years ago now, but like another poster said, this is a story as old as time and as current as today's newspaper. DD is now at University. I am so proud of her. She is beautiful, strong and happy. She never knew her dad and he's dead now.

Keep eating the bananas, get through the day an hour at a time, and cling to those moments when you don't feel quite as s**t as you did earlier.
Time is a great healer.

bidley can you change your mobile fast or do not answer and keep his agressive texts/emails for the solicitor (get to one asap for free advice)....the more your EX does this the more it will upset you sweet and this is not good you need to think of yourself and baby. I had the throat thing too...a feeling of being choked...can the hospital give you more pictures of the scan? Can you go for another scan...ask Midwife re situation. Get other pregnancy books...shopping (or in my case window shopping at the time) for baby clothes cheered me up....I wish I had known about MN at the time so please please use this site. If EX turns up at your house call the police immediately...what give EX the right to turn up when he wants and you can't see EX at his work place! I used to phone his work place and they were told not to put me through to EX. He told everyone it was someone else's child...he projected his behavior on me so was seen as the total t@at he actually was.

Please be prepared their may be another woman involved in this.

Try not to be alone invite friends/family around or go to another environment to have a break if you can. You will be so in love with your baby when he/she arrives that it will help distract you from the pain...although it can make you feel raw again for a while...I didn't allow my EX to see ds until 6 weeks old as put bonding with ds first.

I second the soup or other liquids if you can't stomach anything or little and often bits of food.

What a t@at trying to upset you with calls...messing with you like this....please please distract yourself when you can and come here or phone/visit someone when you find it hard. I know it's a few months off but once your bundle of joy arrives you will melt and have a deeper stronger love and help mend your heart again.

Just to add my two penneth on the food front, soft, easy to prepare and nutricious:

Soups - big soups or carton are best
Baked beans - are in the top ten super foods
Scrambled egg, made with cream and cheese
Bananas - a meal in themselves!

Your H is a prize wanker btw and Rogers1 made me cry - so true. I had no idea how much love i could have for another human being until my DS was born. I would die for him in a heartbeat and nothing and nobody can take away the depth of feeling i have for him. You have so much to look forward to, please believe that if nothing else.

I wish that I could do more. Please please keep talking to everyone and I can also recommend The Samaritans. Your GP should be able to give you the name of a crisis team that work with people in desperate circumstances - they will even come to your home. There is help but the most important thing - no the two most important things - that you eat well and be calm.

Please do not fill your head with the possibility of another woman. My OH left without this complication. Some men just do not cope with responsibility. Never mind about him - it is you who is the important one.

xx

Just a thought, but if anyone is prepared to say where they live perhaps bidleyboo might feel like messaging those who live nearby and maybe meeting up. I'll go first:

Peterborough, UK

Near Reading. Berkshire. I was just thinking the same thing - you are spooky, matana. My God, it may sound strange but I would be quite prepared to hold her hand at the birth. No one should be alone at such a wonderful (but tough) time.

Hope that doesn't sound creepy or OTT - but I really mean it.

What a wanker! What is the matter with these men???

I can vouch for UnlikelyAmazonian if you feel that you can go and stay for a little while.

Think of yourself and baby only now. Tell your doctor and try to drink lots of fluids..Ribena very good hot.

((((Hugs ))))

I'm near Kings Lynn, Norfolk.

Dear all, I am really worried he will find me on mumsnet.

so what if he does? was he really worried about you and your feelings? no

stop letting him call all the shots. Do what is best for you and baby and sod his feelings and wants.

Hello,
I was not even a member of this site but joined to answer your post. I have been through exactly this - left for someone else while 5 months pregnant. I felt suicidal, lost weight, had to take antidepressants, dropped out of university, and all round had a miserable time. I just want to give you some information on my experience that might possible help you.

Do not let him make decisions about whether he will be present, what involvement he or other people have. He has left you on your own, and only an idiot would not understand how devastating that is for you. Don't beg him, or try to find out more information on what led him to leave you, the fact is it doesnt matter why. When you feel suicidal, try to think about how you will feel when your child is here. Regardless of how hurt you are, how hard it will be to be a single parent (there's no denying it), your child will be the best thing in your life and the absolute greatest source of happiness. Just looking at them will make you realise that all the pain you're currently experiencing was worth it.

I personally had antidepressants to carry me through the suicidal thoughts, and also some counselling. The counselling did me a lot of good and I think because you also sound very alone it would benefit you too to have someone impartial to talk to.

Right now you undoubtedly feel like your life is awful and unbearable. What you can't see yet is going through something like this will completely change who you are. You will be strengthened and more wise, and in the future you will recognise assholes like him more easily. You as a person will be better from this experience, with the added benefit that that absolutely horrible selfish spineless (etc) man is no longer sapping your energy.

What you probably need from him is space - and a lot of it. I personally cried for my ex at the birth (he didnt care about being there) but that was because I was still in love with him. It is of course good for your child to have both parents involved, but make your decisions based on what is best for YOU, because ultimately what is best for you is best for you child. Allowing your ex to treat you like a doormat is not a good example for you child, and it is not going to help rebuild your confidence. I completely humiliated myself in addtion to being humiliated by him, by begging him and trying to cause trouble in his new relationship. I know how desperate you feel.

The most important thing is to rally support for yourself from anywhere you can get it - GPs, counsellors, midwives, your friends. Tell your friends what a bad way you are in and ask them to help you.

I really hope that even one thing I have said gives you some insight into the future or makes you feel stronger or better. I personally benefited hugely from my experience, I learned more from it than anything else in my life. I'm sure that in time you will experience the same, and although it won't be tomorrow, next week or even next month, you WILL feel happy and strong again, you will have a piece of crap that was weighing you down out of your life, and your child will be there to bring happiness into every one of your days.

Please contact me if you need anything, I will do anything I can to help you in any way.

Alice

What a beautiful and wise post, Alice. I hope that your life is good now.

Things WILL get better.

The Ribena idea is great - hot drinks are such a comfort!

Actually, I would advise you to get in touch with Women's Aid and a solicitor - take a freind with you if you can. Because there is something odd about this man's behaviour, and you need to set up protection for yourself and the baby.

As someone else said, he is treating you like an incubator for his child. You need everything documented. a clear picture of finances etc and as much RL support as you can get. Because, while he will be legally entitled to see the child when s/he is born, up until then he has no rights at all over you. You can keep him away from antenatal appointments and you can certainly keep him away from the birth. It's not up to him what happens, it's up to you.

Punkatheart - my life is great, thank you, I have never felt better about myself or better suited to making good decisions. My daughter is happy and healthy and doesn't have her dad in her life confusing her by pretending to care a few times a year. I have also met a man the complete opposite of my ex, and am almost graduated from my degree now. A lot can change in a couple of years, which is what I wanted to get across to Bidleyboo.

An experience like that teaches you how resilient and amazing us women are.

It's such an awful, awful thing. It is true as someone said that there is NO point trying to understand it, because reasonable people will never be able to relate to such behaviour.

Please look after yourself Bidleyboo, eat as much healthy food as you can, and speak to your doctor as soon as possible. A stress like that needs to be monitored for your mental and physical health. Lots of love xxxx

I apologise if my posts have come across a bit 'me me me' to anyone, just wanted to use my experience as an example.

SGB I was thinking of WA too when I said keep texts etc for solicitor as he sounds like this is only the start and going to get worse! Sorry Bi but this is often the case as their are red flags here....and you need to be prepared 'legally' for your and dc in the future. Ex thinks he 'owns' 'controls' you...he doesn't.
I do think it is important to know why ex left...otherwise op may blame herself which is also damaging. I spent 6 weeks blaming myself before finding out what a lying cheating t@at ex was! That helped me understand why relationship ended and stop blaming myself.

OP who went abroad (((hugs))) to you too.

Alice did you start the anti depressants when pregnant? Counselling good idea too for Bi.

Yes I did start antidepressants at 5 months which is obviously not idea but when there is a serious risk of suicide or self-harming behaviour, and your are struggling to eat to feed your baby it is definately the best option. I was on them for 8 months until I had the emotional strength to carry on without them (ex continued to be emotionally abusive even after the pregnancy so stress did not ease off until then). DD is very intelligence, very healthy and very happy.

Wishing you well, boo. PLEASE see your GP or midwife and, if any of these lovely MNers are in your area, take them up on an offer for coffee and a shoulder to cry on. So many have been there, too.

Alice I asked because I was refused when asked and told to wait till after birth ....just wondering why one mum to be can be given and another refused? Obv your health risks were more serious! Or because I had PTSD the AD's for that not allowed when pregnant? They wouldn't even do CBT or REM as not allowed as I was pregnant...I suffered aggressive flashbacks really bad then but they stopped at 8 months...and restarted when ds 6 weeks old...it was like Mother Nature protected ds at time of birth!

Oh, you can definitely take ADs when pregnant and when you have PTSD.

And counselling? Of course you can have that when pregnant!

I'll bet you London to a brick this twat's got another woman.

But he's a dicksmack of the highest order at any rate.

The fact that the OP is scared makes me second SGB's suggestion of Women's Aid.

It may not feel like you can cope right now, but you will cope and like someone earlier said, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. I am 37 and have 3 kids, different fathers, been a single parent pretty much the whole 12 years I have been a parent, disaster after disaster in the way of relationships. It has made me stronger and my children are my life and they are what keep you going ultimately.

I have a 12 year old, a 7 year old and a 20 month old, I work and cope amazingly well on my own and you will be able to aswell.

I wouldnt give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset, selfish prick of a man.....can just get up and walk away when he wants.......seriously, stay strong for your baby who you will find when born will be all you will care about.

It will get easier as the days go on, it always does. If you need a chat......always here, as are I would imagine many other posters.

I agree that the most likely reason for this is that he has found someone else, especially because you said he had stopped talking to you properly for the last 6 months. Agree too that for most people, it helps to know that, because it means the anger can kick in and any self-blame and agonising about why this has happened, stops.

Sadly, your midwives and GP will have seen this happen before and you do need to see them, because shock is a horrible state to be in.

seriouschanger

I'm shocked! Sounds like you had a terrible time. I think it really varies between doctors and how sympathetic they are and how they view the situation. There is absolutely no reason why you couldn't have had CBT during therapy, absolutely none. Perhaps write a letter of complaint about your treatment. Well done making it through without medical help, must have been extremely tough xxx