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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has left me while am 5 months pregnant with first child.

221 replies

bidleyboo · 27/10/2011 07:48

I am devasted. On sun 23 Oct i came home at 2pm to find that husband of 2 yrs had taken all his belongings and left home. I had panic attack called ambulance went to hospital. He never came but said he cared for me and baby but wants seperation and most probable divorce. He had stopped talking to me properly for 6 months, says no other person involved. I have no family/ siblings and totally isolated. Have lost 5 pounds weight in since 23 Oct and frightened that I will not make it. He wants to be at scans and birth. I am detroyed.

OP posts:
clam · 29/10/2011 13:48

I'm not sure you are allowed to change the locks, though. Even if you are on the deeds. That's what I've read on here, anyway.
Bolt sounds a good idea. If there is another exit, that is.

loopylou6 · 29/10/2011 14:33

op, please take up some of these offers of rl support x

UnlikelyAmazonian · 29/10/2011 16:07

Am a little worried for you. Can you let us know how you are doing? I hope you will be back on tonight..I am always around and checking in so will look out for you. x

Jellykat · 29/10/2011 18:17

Boo I too am worried.. How are you coping this evening?? x

UnlikelyAmazonian · 29/10/2011 18:56

All this stuff about changing the locks makes me a bit cross. If situations are abnormal and horrendous like this, then I think you should just change the bloody locks. Argue it out later. Get CCTV too - and feck off large fireworks laced up to a sort of pulley system...

VivaLeBeaver · 29/10/2011 19:41

I hope you've got round to a friends to get some RL support and company. But we are all here if you need us. Hope you're doing ok.

glitch · 30/10/2011 10:59

Hope you are OK and are with friends.
Don't be scared of reaching out to some of the people on here offering help, sometimes support comes from the most unexpected places and people.

biyboo · 30/10/2011 14:02

He said he comes first and the baby second, I sent text that I came second and baby always first, under any circumstances, he got really angry with me then furious when I added that I had been under tremendous shock due to him dissapearing and needed this weekend as his original suggestion to be apart. He slammed down the phone. I bolted the door at night but I do not feel comfortable. He is extremely manipulative/sly and deceitful. He did not even tell me that his cousins are in town, they called me saying how excited they are and how he must be so happy and he probably is trying to hear the baby. He has not told them what he has done to me. I would have loved to meet them but he keeps me from meeting his family and discloses lots from me. He shows another personality to all but me. I am willing to go to long term therapy with him but I am afraid of what he may do in mean time such as belittle, threaten, bully and shock me and leave me having panic attacks where I can,t breathe and the leave me like that and run out of the door.

jewelsandbinoculars · 30/10/2011 14:03

Hi bidleyboo. So sorry you're going through this. I know easy for me/any of us to say, but how you feel now WILL pass. I too would be happy to meet you for a RL coffee/chat if you want to talk - was thinking that anyway and then saw where you live and I had to post! I literally can't be more than a few mins walk from you.

Hang in there, neighbour.

biyboo · 30/10/2011 14:14

Thank you JewelSB, that was kind of you.

clam · 30/10/2011 14:16

Forgive me if this is a silly question, but why do you want this man? He's "extremely manipulative, sly and deceitful"... and you presumably think he may "belittle, threaten, bully and shock you" because he has form for doing this in the past. And he's behaved like an absolute bastard by walking out on you in the way he has, barring you from his work place, keeping you from meeting his family and so on.
So, what are his plus points?

biyboo · 30/10/2011 14:16

Dear UnlikelyAmazon, will you send me e mail. Thank you.

biyboo · 30/10/2011 14:34

Dear Clam, I am 5m pregnant and have known him for a long time and this is not easy as I am right in it and was obviously not debriefed about how to deal with this beforehand. I know you are trying to help and coming from a good place but this is really hard for me but I am putting child and myself first. You question yourself if you think your question is silly and I will let you answer that. Please don't make me feel like I can't use mumsnet as I have a large battle ahead of me without needed battles on mumsnet which I turned to for support. I know the rights and wrongs of what is going on and I have enough emphathy that any woman going through this would be finding it hard as emotions of all sorts are involved.

Robotindisguise · 30/10/2011 14:50

Oh no biyboo, Clam isn't challenging you to have a go at you (bless you, you are fragile, aren't you Sad). She's trying to help you see that having this man at a distance could be a better thing. That, no matter how this hurts, that a good thing has happened to you.

Men who are this selfish tend not to cope well with pregnancy and parenthood because, as you know, it involves putting someone else first.

clam · 30/10/2011 15:19

Thanks robot.
Biyboo, I know you're reeling in shock and fear at the moment, but sooner or later it's going to help you to start getting angry at the despicable way your H has treated you. Self-preservation if you like. I know that all you think you want is for him to walk back in and get back to how you were, but it doesn't sound as if he was particularly nice to you before either.
Sorry if I upset you further.

biyboo · 30/10/2011 15:59

That's okay clam I know that you were not coming out to hurt and thanks for your last message. My head is all over the place and am asking myself how could I let someone do this and sometimes and calling myself stupid to be kind and be in love with such a person. Over 6 years I've known him only in last few months he has been showing me what I have described. I feel like there a big jigsaw pieces missing in his past which have erupted. I will, no matter what put baby and me first and if it means goodbye then that is what will happen and I accept that. Everything is just a bit raw and every question and outcome is spinning in my head 24hrs a day at moment.

VivaLeBeaver · 30/10/2011 16:56

You know what I think maybe in a few years time you will look back and think thank God he showed his true colours and went so quickly rather than drag things out. I think you and your baby will grow up so close and with such a strong bond.

Loobyloo1902 · 30/10/2011 16:56

Hey Boo,

We have a Christmas stocking for you in Suffolk if you'd like to come and stay with us for the season? Vegetarian dinner mind but lots of rowdy fun and we promise to take your mind off things. I'm a single mum so you'll be in good company. My parents are a little odd but loving.

Genuine offer x

biyboo · 30/10/2011 17:43

Oh thank you Loobyloo, that is so lovely of you. Really to all, your support so far has filled my eyes with tears many times, such a contrast to the stinging tears he left me with. Thank you.

DutchGirly · 30/10/2011 18:05

Biyboo, I know you're in pain and mentally drained but I am worried about your financial position if your H cuts you off financially.

Do you think you can call Jobcentre Plus on 0845 604 3719 to apply for income support? Clearly state that your husband has left. They will be able to help you.

Do it before the baby arrives, if it does work out you can always cancel it.

trulyscrumptious43 · 31/10/2011 19:59

Hi Biyboo, I just wanted to say hello to you today. How are you doing, how has your day been? Thinking of you.

onholidaywithbaby · 31/10/2011 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 31/10/2011 21:05

Hi Biyboo - glad you see you have returned to the thread. It is not uncommon for some men to apparently change character (or rather, start showing their nasty side) when their partner becomes pregnant. Is that when he started the bad stuff to you? Or was it before then?
Some just can't bear to see the change from sexy wife/partner to child-carrying woman; others just see it as a strong enough bond to their wife/partner that they can stop pretending to be nice and show their true colours.

Whichever the reason, it shows a mean spirited, selfish man who was cunning enough to cover up his true character for a long time and as clam says (and sorry if this sends you spinning again too) in the long run it might be better for you and your baby that he has left you, even though it's hurting like blazes now and your hormones are messing with your head.

Please do take up the offers of help from people on here - and go to CAB for advice, even a solicitor (if you can afford one).

Take care of yourself and your baby - you are of course right - you and the baby come first and the way your H is behaving, he comes nowhere in the consideration stakes.

biyboo · 31/10/2011 22:13

Thanks all. I just accepted that I can't control or make him do anything. If he needs time so be it but this can not drag out. I will look after myself, eat, rest, wash and be part of life. Halloween is over tomorrow but sadly this hellish situation will still be a reality. I only would really want him to be with me and baby if that was what he 100% wanted on his own decision. If not, next stage of ending must begin.

Merlioness · 01/11/2011 00:58

Oh biy I am so glad you have come back to the thread.
You are stepping in the right direction looking after yourself and your little baby.
Please do take up offers from MNetters local to you. Even if you just have a bit of cake and a tea. I think it would be good for you to meet people in RL, as you desperately need the support.

How have you been getting on with eating and drinking?