Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

"I'm being Taran!" isn't great when they are in the furthest corner of the soft play climbing area and, as any experienced parent knows, Tarzan wears just pants.

Is it morning yet?

"I need a poo" swiftly followed by "can someone come and wipe my bottom"...at 5.30 in the morning. EVERY morning

"Mummy, I open door" < starts unlocking public toilet cubicle >
"Nooooo!" < Me, grabbing toddler whilst pushing door too and attempting to hide modesty >

Naked toddler somewhere upstairs: "Mummy I done a wee."
Me in bathroom unable to see her: "Really? Where are you?"
"Mummy bed."

'Muuummmm, I've done an accident'.

"Mummy I done wee wee"

Never good as when he tells me he's usually not anywhere near the bathroom. Sigh.

"my nails look beautiful- all red"

Out in the garden 'Mummy I bring you a pwesent'. Hands me a slug...

While in B&Q with inattentive parents 'I needed a poo but it's ok, I found toilet all by my own'.

mines only 10mo..

"Mummy look, drawn heart!"

That was a toddler DD1 who, very proudly, pointed to the sofa. To be fair, it was a very good drawing of a heart considering she was only about 20 months at the time. I just wished it had been on paper!

'Mummy, I look like a beautiful butterfly'

He only ever does that with the really posh, expensive make up my sister got me for christmas, not the cheap everyday stuff

Another poo one.

Standing in a large queue waiting to get on the plane at Singapore airport 'mummy I need a poo'. Everyone laughs. Dd finds it funny, says it again over and over like a parrot but even louder

'Bye bye Thomas' - in reference to her most precious and beloved Thomas The Tank Engine, which whistles and beeps and chugs, most favoured toy of all time, and who gets told 'Love you, Thomas' and is regularly kissed good night - seconds before he was thrown two storeys through the upstairs bannister, all the way into the concrete cellar.

The fucker survived. With a stutter, but who can blame him?

"What's that smell?"
Loudly. On entering other peoples houses, public toilets, walking past a whiffy person in supermarket etc.

Mummy, you're not going to like this...

I'm stuck! (Usually on a worktop after going in search of sweets)

"Oooh loooook, that's a nice knife"

"Ooooh. Incy bincy!" (spider) "BIG Incy Bincy" pointing happily to an area about 2 inches above my head...

Poo on foot mummy!

I've done a poo in my leggings mummy

Oh no I broken it

Oh no a mess gone everywhere

Mummy, mummy I did a poo on my potty

.....but I've lost it.

DD2 isn't talking much yet, but a long, loud 'Uh oh' generally strikes terror into my heart.