Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

"C'mere Woofy dog..."

DD is in the bathroom having had a wee. I hear crashing.

"What was that, DD?"
"Me."
"What was that noise?"
"Um, banging."

Helpful.

I'm crying at these! My DS is 5 months so I have all this to come!

RSVP I am crying at work reading yours!

Another one from Archie, me and him and his dad was walking through town and some drunk man started leering at us and stumbling too close to us and swearing so my other half told him to f off then archie said "yeah f--k off mate!!" que everyone laughing and me dying.

this morning he was sitting next to me with his pants down and said willy hurt mama, you kiss it better? ha!

if he smells anything bad he sniffs really obviously then if its horrible he says "er thats scustin mama!" no matter who/what its about

In a shower cubicle whilst caravanning..
'mummy are you doing a wee?'
'I like your boobies.'
'Look at my massive willy'
I love caravanning, but I really love coming home and having the privacy of a shower all by myself!

DS aged 4 at a birthday party: "mummy I don't like this food I WANT CHIPS" (shouting at the top of his lungs)

"Mummy when are these people going home?" in front of guests

Christmas day. Lovely cathedral, all the candles twinkling. Little chikdren in their finery sitting quietly listening to the organ.

A lull, quiet prayer...
Very loud screech from the back 'Pleeeeeeeeese take me away from this terrible castle!!!'.

The vicar actually sniggered. Very unprofessional I thought.

modifiedmum, for internet safety, it may be wise to not refer to your ds by his name. you may be identifiable.

DS, loudly, in a public toilet cubicle:
"is my penis a boy, or a girl?"

Can I nominate this thread for classics please MNHQ?

"What's that string Mummy?"

Not too bad to hear by itself as it was in the bathroom at home, but then she grabbed and caught some hair (not on my head...). Owwww!

Next time she spotted it I leapt away like an Olympian.

On a recent flight, DS exclaimed at 10 minute intervals "Oh no! We're going down!" which terrified all the other passengers

ARE YOU GOING TO GET DRUNK AGAIN, MUMMY? DO YOU NEED MORE WINE TO GET DRUNK? YOU LIKE GETTING DRUNK, MUMMY?

:o

At a restaurant, a way too helpful waiter was coming to "play" with DS every 5 minutes, asking him what was his teddy's name, what he had for breakfast... Dh and I sighed and Ds noticed. Thus, when the waiter came back for the 10th time, DS said (in his very posh accent): "Mama? Shall we tell him to.. ..F OFF?"
Still laughing over this one.

'Mummy, my willy is now ready to go in your bagina!' (DS, 2.9, after I'd told him how baby sister got into my tummy....)

Envision small child standing next to you with an erection...... I spat out my tea at that one!

DC4 has developed a habit of standing in the doorway, sighing, then saying "Oh fuck" in a world weary voice, and then proceeding into the room.

I blame his father!

DC4 is three, btw

Me and dp sorting bits in the car the other day ready to head out, ds and dd strapped in the back, both ask for our ipods to watch tv on, I say they're both on charge its not a long journey today anyway. Before I finish, in unison, they reply "oh bollocks".

Not toddlers anymore at nearly 4 and 5 but me and dp had trouble controlling ourselves, they've never done that before!

"Nothing's happened upstairs, Mummy" is DS1's current favourite...

With DS3, the phrase I never want to hear again is "Ooooooooohh no."

And "Crassss" (crash), preceded by a large bang, is never a good sign...

Me: " mummy when will my front bum be a big hairy fanny like yours?"

Me: "my mummy needs to go home because sure peaked blood all over her pants in town"
Said on busy bus to an old cast

my brother: "mummy where do you put these?"
Holding up tampon
Returns 5 minutes later
"I did it I did it!"
Turns round to reveal tampon literally up bum...

My brother: "runs in naked and bends over
"wook I can make my finger disappear!"
Right up bum

First 2 were said by me

"mummy, i want banana" at 4am
"oop! crap!" currently said everytime he trips/drops something.. just ignore, just ignore..
"mummy i made bubbles!".. shame he'd made them by pouring an entire bottle of Fairy into the carpet...

We commence operation toilet training next year, so I am dreading looking forward to some of the more poo and wee related ones!

You fucked

After repeatedly asking DP not to swear on front of DD