Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

thanks! don't know how to edit it but will bare it in mind in future :)

modifiedmum, for internet safety, it may be wise to not refer to your ds by his name. you may be identifiable.

Best tell that to all the "bobsmummy" type user names on here :)

Soupy, I would, but there are just too many!

Modifiedmum, no problem

Look at me I'm on top of....

DD1 climbed everything.

my brother (who is 40 this week) when he was about 2.5 in tescos -loudly "Mum ive pooped (trumped) can you smell it?!"

another one.....same brother similar age to my mum as she is sat in a cubicle in a very busy loo shouts "mum are you doing a poo?" mum "why?" Brother "cos your face has gone red....does your face feel fizzy?"

Mummy that man's smoking a cigarette [outside, in a public place, while we walk along the street]! Doesn't he know it's bad for him? Shall I go and tell him Mummy? Urg it stinks!

This has gone on repeatedly between the ages of 4 and 8 - very difficult to find the words to explain that while she was technically correct, it is not her place to say so at that volume.

"Look at all this crap evwywhere" which is bad enough but often closely followed by "fucking child".
We really, really must stop swearing in front of the kids! It's awful.
And this will probably out me completely but DS1 once walked into nursery and said "me and daddy gonna take his gun and shoot the cat". God knows where he got that from!

My younger brother (12 year age gap) mortified me at the cinema when he was 3 with a Spoonerism by asking for some 'cock porn'. 15 year old me blushed violently for the whole film.

My niece aged 4 at the times whilst my sister and I were applying fake tan shortly after I'd had DD...

"Why has mummy got standing up boobies and aunty got lying down boobies?
And why has aunty still got a big tummy?"

To which I said "anything else?!" and she replied "you have a big face. I like little faces."

DD pointing to some mess on her carseat: "What the HELL is that doing in THERE"

I'd said the exact same thing about a packet of crisps and a beer can in our front garden the day before. She had the hands on hips pose down to a T too

Ha ha Frontpaw My DD has the habit of countermanding the vicar's suggestions - i.e. when he says 'you can sit down now' she says loudly 'no we all stand up'!

'smell my fingers mummy' - err no thank you

'it is gravity that makes your boobies hang down'

great thread... i remember clearly my dd shouting 'where's my fucking dolly' at her grannys house swear to god nothing to do with my sewer gob
some days my language is worse than a dockers!!

In the supermarket, following a rather large lady who was carrying a birthday cake in her basket:
"ooooh mummy look. What's that BIG girl got in her basket??"

I stuck my finger up my bum mummy

Moodykat's has reminded me of DD - hands on hips - "Mummy, lose the attitude"

Oh God, just remembered once in Tesco - "mummy, look at that big lady...mummy why is that lady so big...mummy mummy look she's huuuuge". I was frantically trying to shut him up and the lady in question walked past and said "some people are so rude". I felt awful but he was only 2.5 FFS!

"the tv's not working"

Because he just smashed the screen with a toy sword.

Mummy, I've cleaned the .... for you, is always a worry in my house.

Although reading these I have either gotten off lightly so far, or am about to cop it at the point of maximal embarrassment.

Im building a robot, and i just need some bits off your car!

"I got a big big dick" and "I got bread dick".

This from before he could pronounce his "st" noises properly.

"Fucking police car"; I am accepting no blame for this. The honour is all DH's

"There's a doggy's poo there mummy, I liked to touch it, its on my hand now"

uuurrrrgggghhh the one time I don't have at least 8 packets of baby wipes with me!!!

I made some fairy cakes with my DS(5) yesterday, he gave one to his baby sister (17 months) she must have seen me put them back in the fridge as she learnt a new word today...'caake', Everytime I opened the fridge door she was standing behind me, 'caake, caake.' Me trying to distract her, 'you want milk?' DD, 'caake, caake'. She has a very calm and curious voice so she sounded very funny.

"I showing Auntie M my big boy pants and how I pull them down"......in middle of a cafè!! Friend thought was hilarious I was mortified!