Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

Oh god, I'm howling at these.

DD is 20 months... it can't be far from starting

"mummy, I want a strap on!"

Shouted by DD in Sainsbury's last week as she tried to put the safety straps round herself in the seat of the trolley

Ah DC's... Before 16 they embarrass us, over 16 we embarrass them

"oh oh, Mummy, Rara (little brother) did it"

While I'm in another room.

when ever my DD wants chocolate which I call choc choc

"want cock cock"

really embarrassing

and another one is. mostly when somebody talks to her on the bus or something

random person: what's your name?
DD: incess
followed by me saying "she is trying to say princess"

Generally a toddler saying nothing is scary.....silence is deadly! But most recently it was "Mummy is the pea up my nose stuck forever?"

We've had a few lately (ds is 3)

"I lost my mummy! I been looking for her all day!" (While I'm standing right in front of him)
"Mummy, we not pay my newspaper!" (In Tesco, waving a magazine we'd bought in the other Tesco)

And his favourite atm...

"My willy gone pointy!"

"Mummy can you tie me up"

Said by a todler in a cafe with his arms behind his back and round a table leg.

Mum, without looking "No dear"

These are all too cute. I've always used as a yardstick for the things my ds says, a story I read on mumsnet once where a toddler was having a tantrum in the bank, looked up at her mummy and called her a "two-headed cunt". If they're not saying that, it's not too bad!

Dd1 at soft play while potty training - "i done a poo!" While holding aloft said poo that she'd fished out of her pants in the middle of the packed toddler play area.

When my DS was 3 he sat up at the kitchen table while I was cooking and asked very politely if dinner was ready yet. I told him it would be a few minutes and he replied:
"Oh for f**k's sake!"
Aaargh!

Also dd1. I had to brake pretty hard after someone pulled out in front of ma and dd1 shouts from the back "say f*cks sake mummy!"

Ooh just thought of another. When in army housing a bloke from MHS had come to test smoke alarms. He made the one outside the kitchen go off and dd1 shouts "dinners ready!" Cue me trying to assure MHS man that I'm really a very good cook!

It doesn't stop...

My class of P1s (5 year olds) were doing a topic 'People Who Help Us' so we interviewed the janitor, had photos taken with him and then drew pictures.

His name was Wullie.

Cue lots of voices: 'Miss, come and look my Wullie...'

If anyone was passing the classroom door

Yes, I am in Scotland

DS - shouting "I did a big poo"
Me - (upstairs bathing baby) "that's brilliant darling, where did you do it?"
DS - "on the floor. I put it in the potty"

my daddy has a thrashing stick that he will beat you with.

Mummy, that lady is so pretty that my willy feels funny.

Nose kiss. Chin kiss. Ear kiss. Tongue kiss!

mummy whats that smelly, then going on and on was it you it is not me its that man pointing to him

mummy you have a front bottom, i have a willy and daddy has a big willy - this was of course said while we are queuing in a busy shope

Uh-ohhhhhhh
Never a good thing.

My dd likes singing her made up willies and vaginas song. It's like she knows the most inappropriate times/places to do it!

She also says arse a lot. My fault.

Oh yes, ds was most upset that I don't have a penis. He feels I am missing out. So offered to buy me one from tesco because "tesco sells everything"

DS (2.6) and baby DD (new). We drilled it into him that he wasn't to give her any toys, sweets.

"Mummy the baby won't eat the sweet I gave her" I was ,raced to her side.
He left a little sweet beside her (that she couldn't reach)

DS (about 5 ish) "I can do a magic trick"
"Oh, that's nice. What can you do"?
"I can make my willy go up and down without touching it"

Taking him into a toilet- you know how you check and if it's vile, you go to the next. He wouldn't accept the first one, we had to check 3 (because that's what we always did).
There was a toilet with 2 cubicles, he had a choice of one.
"It's a bit manky in here" loud toddler voice.

DD chastises people who don't wash their hands in public loos
"Never heard of MRSA"? (I'm a HCP- obviously she listens to me)

"Mummy..... hair all on floor, I bin a hairdwesser. Look at my hair"

"Ooh! Me find eggs!"

I'd only left the shopping delivery unattended on the floor for a few moments!

Oh and they get worse with age. My DS is nearly 13 yo .
I saw some very snazzy sequins dresses in H&M sale. Toyed with the idea of buying one, but I put it back and said (wistfully)
"No, it looks a bit Drag Queen"

DS says (patting my arm) "You could pull it off Muvver"

Fecking cheek I look like a Drag Queen do I?

My FIL taught 1yo DS to bump his beaker aganist Grandpa's glass and say "Cheers!". Very cute. Except when he did it in Starbucks and shouted "Jizz!".

Took archie on a guided tour to a castle near here and he had to repeat EVERY thing the tour said. Everyone else thought it was hysterical.

In tesco and i hear "willy out mama" turn around and archie has his trousers and pants round his ankles pointing at his willy!

We recently got a new car thats in quite good condition, all shiney and nice etc then we got a lift from a friend whose car is a bit worse for wear archie gets in "this car wubbish mama!"