Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

Mummy, Jonty (his little brother) is arsing about

Mummy, why are you breathing?

I'm sick of cleaning the floor (aged 2!)

Mummy, Daddy's sick of Jonty (cue Daddy )

Mummy, I can't wee wee with my socks on

Mummy kiss my cock was very perturbed until I noticed he had a cockerel puppet on his hand .

'She's dropped it' (meaning I've dropped it)

on holiday she kept pointing at the same man and saying 'grumpy man!' was so embarrassing!

Perhaps Driftwood thinks we're all a bit juvenile for finding amusement in stories of other people's DCs toilet-mishaps. Personally I rather like the no-holds barred toddler approach better than the blushing adults we all turn into.

"dd1 'is that the lady with the big nose I'm not supposed to talk about?' (loudly, on a bus, pointing at her)"

(Poor woman!)

How is this not in Classics yet?!

to Helen at MNHQ!

Have also remembered a friends ds 3yrs old in a posh restaurant in the south of France.....
'Mummy, sometimes my willy goes all hard like this'
'I can't bend it or anything'
We smiled politely, answered 'oh does it'

My dd 'I've done a wee mummy'
Me 'where?'
Dd 'follow the drippy trail'

Mcdonalds here in NZ all have soft play areas attached and our local one has a rather large network of tunnels over several levels that the kids disappear into for ages, and that get very hot in summer... Cue dd, 3, running out completely naked shouting "I got too hot mummy", then "and i did a wee wee!". Packed restaurant silenced, then me having to crawl around very small tunnels for about 10 mins trying to find said clothes and puddle... (and all whilst 33 weeks pregnant...) !!

This has made me laugh out loud and reminded me of a mortifying moment from my DD. She was 2 and I had tried to ward DH about watching what he said as she was listening, he didn't take my advice. Consequently fast forward to Christmas day service in church. We had just sat down at the end of a hymn when DD pipes up in the reverent silence "For fu*ks sake!"

There follows a rapid departure by me and DD to the play area at the back of the church leaving a very embarressed DH to reap what he had sown!

Ds is 3 in November, just been out for a drink with him and my parents. Ds has just shouted "where is pas cocky?"

He meant coffee but he hasn't mastered saying that yet!

Why is that man/lady so fat? {in a VERY loud voice}

Just reading some more of these and laughing! Just remembered once we were in publiuc toilets and DD started to open the door, whilst I was still weeing. There was a lot of people in the 'waiting' erea. So I hissed 'No!' She asked why, and because I didn't want to say outloud 'because i'm weeing' I pointed to the toilet (i was squatting. sorry if t.m.i!), thinking she'd get the hint. Instead she just said in her lovely clear voice 'oh yes youv'e got lots of hairy wee wee bits'...
Another time she pulled at my pants (whist I was sat there) looked in them and said very loudly 'I'm just checking youve not weed your pants' !

Was at my daughters interment of ashes (she was stillborn)
DD1 (who was 3 at the time) had the tiniest cut ever on her finger. anyway, she walks up to the vicar, proudly sticking her middle finger up to show him her cut but as he cant see it she just shoves her middle finger in his face even more

This didn't happen to me but my cousin.

All sat in church listening to the choir. The choir stopped and the priest said a few words. Choir started singing again and cue her DS shouting 'not another one mummy'

Four year old, walking downstairs with a guilty look, head hung in mock ashamedness (is that a word?) saying...

Well, that's me on theNaughty List again...sigh...

DS: "Mummy I did a poo!"
Me "Where did you do a poo darling?"
DS "on the floor, it's ok I put it in the potty"

"Look, i put cream on by myself"

(See photo on my profile!)

I discovered just how difficult it is to get sudocrem out of the hair....and pyjamas....and the carpet.

Then her sister decided it was so funny that she copied it (even though she was old enough to know better!)

"Mummy, I found the king of the spiders" - DD 3.8

At the beach:
'Mummy , he's got boobies. '
Or even better
'His boobies are sticking out.'

And you have to reply by repeating it back to her or she just says it again and again, louder and louder.

Our 18 month old DD has a pirate book she loves and can do all the noises to. Only now, out in public, she does a very loud 'Ahaar' with appropriate arm movements when she sees any man with a beard. I don't think anyone has twigged, yet...

Pushing small DD round supermarket in the trolley when we meet someone giving out samples.
DD: I want some!
Me: You can't, it's gin. It's only for mommies and daddies

Cue a tantrum when we are two aisles away from the alcohol aisle...

DD (at the top of her voice): I WANT GIN! I WANT GIN!

Oh, the stares......

Having not RTFT, you'll have to forgive me if someone else's little darling has said this but the ones that fill me with dread at the moment are
"I help" (it is NOT helping)
"All fine" (it is never EVER fine)

Most embarrassing was DH and Dd1 standing in queue in shop:

DD1 (3) - Daddy? Daddeeee? Is that a man or a lady?

DH- ah love, it doesn't really matter does it?

DD1(escalating volume) -DADDDEEEE!! IS THAT A MAN OR A LADY?

DH (to his eternal shame) is forced to mutter 'errrrm. I Don't. Know.'

They heard.

They did not look impressed

DH insists it was impossible to tell though.

DS has come out with some corkers over the years. "Mama, why has that man drawn all over his face? That's naughty!" on seeing a man with facial tattoos. "Mama, why does that man smell like my nanny?" on passing a (not especially convincing) transvestite wearing the same perfume as my mum. And his best yet, we were at the seaside for the day and had been to the pier where DH and DS had played a game where you had to fire balls from a cannon into the mouth of a hippo as it ran back and forth. DH then took DS to the toilet while I fed DD in the cafe. While they were in toilet cubicle, DH sat on toilet, DS starts running back and forth in cubicle shouting "put your balls in my mouth! Dad, dad, put your balls in my mouth!" DH was mortified!