Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

"Grandad Dog, you wanker!"

Last time ds was allowed to take toys to my dad's golf club.

Still don't know where he got that from.

'boobie' while in shopping trolley usually. Sometimes it is hers she is flashing, sometimes mine. Never good.

I'm both loving this thread, and finding it terrifying!

"I hurt my willy, Mummy. Kiss my willy. KISS. MY. WILLY!"

On the bus.

Well our upstairs loo doesn't do the job it SHOULD some days, so what I dread is when Zak says, "daddy, you left your poo in the toilet!"

And my wife is 34 weeks pregnant so his favourite at the minute is telling her she has big boobies and fat belly!

Whilst putting a few lots of wine bottles into the bottle bank (and neighbour walking past) "Mummy likes wine"

"Flood. Can you sign, "flood?" came from the the bathroom early one morning.

I've never moved so fast in my life

These are so funny I've also had the demand to kiss willy better (though fortunately not in public)

My dd 2 (nearly 3) loves to say Mummy you got BIG Boobies. Then she lists everyone she can think of -Grandma got big Boobies, dd1 got big Boobies, . . . Daddy is a MAN he's got baby Boobies. It's very funny but can be embarrassing especially when she pokes them too!

Having had to explain what 'builder's bum' meant to DS when he first came out of nappies and I was forever hitching his trousers up at the back, he once piped up proudly from behind me in Tesco's, 'Mummy look - I got builder's willy!'

PSML @ work here be back later with mine

Me "What's Happened".
3year old DD "Well Mummy, it started like this. I was playing with my Dolls house & my friend. We were sharing nicely. Then it all went wrong"

DD usually starts wrinkling her nose up, then I know the next words will be 'what's that discusting 'mell mum?!' This is usually on the bus or out shopping, and leads to her pointing at whoever smells unless I can successfully distract her.

I've also had (In public):

'Mum, why is that brown boy looking at me?'

'Wow mum, look at that MASSIVE lady!' (Shouted, very loudly, in a restaurant)

'What's on that mans head, is it a bandage' (Man wearing a turban)

DS1 (whilst running out of my friend's kitchen) - " I don't want to touch that anymore!"

DS1 (whilst running out of friend's kitchen): Mummy, I don't want to touch that any more...

I am finding the willie ones particularly funny. I have two girls and am expecting a boy. Fore warned is fore armed I believe they say.

padding noise along the landing
"Mummy I done a poo"
"It a'gusting"
"It all quishy"

"Erm.. Mummy.... do you want the good news or the bad news?" DD aged 4. It is never good news.

"Look Mummeeeee! I drawed you luffly picture! The wall is sooooooo pwetty now!"

"Mummeeeee! is it always bad thing when someone poos in the paddling pool? Coz that's what my cousin just did Mummmeeeeeee!"

"Oh no! It's the Rozzas!" When 2 police officers walked past us. I didn't half get a look! (Damn her dad for teaching her to say that!)

"Mummy, I don't want to hold the baby's poo anymore. Mind if I put it on the sofa?" Why she was holding his poo I dont know.

"I am being a brat Daddy because youuuuuu are getting on my tits!"

"Ooooh Daddy got a BIG one!" She was talking about full englidh breakfast but the whole caff smirked.

'I'VE GOT A SANDY CRACK MUMMY'

(Across a crowded beach.)

Last night when I thought he was asleep and I was next door ahem unwinding (had beans for dinner)

'Mummy what was that? What did you do? You did a little fart like I do!!!!'

"WANKER!"

Some road rage from me preceded this. Then he continued to shout it... we were near a McDonalds drive-thru, I bought him some chips to shut him up distract him.

He also asks for wine often.

In a public toilet 'Mummy! You are bleeding! Where did you hurt Mummy? Shall I kiss it alllllll better?'

'That's not apple juice, it's wine. I want wine Mummy!' Yesterday, surrounded by people

I was driving and saw a massive queue in front of me, as I was slowing down..
Me: Ahh for (remembers DS is in the car) jeffs sake
DS: Ahh for fucks sake Mummy
Me: I didn't say that naughty word
DS: But you meant it Mummy

These are all coming back to me, it's like flashbacks to shame

generally, with my DC, it started with "Uh Oh..." or "Mummy I really love you...."

but a friend at work had his DD announce "Daddy I washed your car" - car in question was a brand spanking new one, and the "sponge" she had used was the block of wood that he had been tamping down wet concrete with...

"uh oh floor........".

In the public loos
"Mummy, there's someone in the next cubicle. I wonder if she'll do a poo or a wee?"
Fortunately, she must have had a toddler, as she replied "A wee, you nosy little tyke!"