Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

In my younger, carefree days, i drunkenly went home wioth a fella i'd met in a pub. We'd had sex, and had fallen asleep. Woke a bit later, nipped to the loo and then thought i'd surprise him by sneaking under the duvet and waking him with a blow job.

Was all going to plan, and was hearing all the appropriate noises of enjoyment when suddenly the duvet was flung back, and the fella i'd gone home with was stood next to the bed shouting at me and asking what the fuck i was doing in bed with his dad...

Note to self - always remember which door you came out of....

Well, I bumped into the tenant of my house in Tescos, and she was rubbing her jaw, and explaining she had been suffering from neuralgia. For some inexplicable fucking reason I said.........

"Thats not neuralgia, its too many GOB JOBS !!"

She just stared at me, didnt laugh or anything, she was so shocked and offended i dont doubt.

Why I said it I have no idea.

Mine was crap compared to demented`s which is a classic.

This was said to me and i couldnt stop laughing.

Shop assistant - Wow how long have you got to go (was about 25 weeks preg with twins)
me - Still got another 15 weeks to go
S/A - wow your huge (she then went really red)
me- i know but it is twins
S/A - awww you and your partner must be really happy
me - no he did a runner and isnt interested
S/A - oh (going redder) well at least it was worth it at the time
me - No actually it was pretty crap

she then said she was gonna stop talking while my mate and i were in stitches she did see the funny side though

No No, OnEdge yours is good too. Horrendous bad form, obviously, but still good. I'm speechless - at both of those. This is a strong start so far, exactly what I was looking for.

Deemented, I shall always picture you like this from now on.

Hussy.

Demented - I nearly spat my wine on the keyboard. That is hilarious.

PS - I am drinking wine as I am 10 hours ahead in Australia.

I am waiting for the poster who sent a filthy text to her dad in error to show up.

Oh God - that's terrible! How filthy was it, exactly?

demented

sorry - spelt deemented wrong

I got chatting to Cerrie from cbeebies on the bus- our DDs were about the same age, she seemed very friendly; I had no idea who she was at the time.

As she got off the bus with her buggy, I asked her if she needed a hand. She just looked at me like this and got off.

{shock] Oh dear teth. You meant well, but bad choice of words. You stupid inconsiderate woman.

I still wonder why she'd bought a two-handled buggy though...

Good god deemented

Mine is rather lame, but during my school years (shudder), I had some friends over my house and we all decided it would simply be hilarious to prank call a school teacher we we're not too keen on.

We looked him up in yellow pages and did the deed. During the Monday morning assembly he made me stand up and explain to the whole school why I had repeatedly rung his house on Saturday (we were unaware how to withhold numbers back then). The utter shame still haunts me to this day as does the fact on how he figured out it was my feking home number.

PMSL!

I once went to a village drinks party, full of the chattering classes and ancient crusty upper-middles and horse and hound types. I was talking to a very gentile, polite, posh older lady I hardly know, who was asking me about the renovation work on my house.

I was explaining that the chimneys needed urgent attention as you could 'do that' to them and they would fall down. And at the words 'do that' I poked her, yes POKED her in the chest with my finger. To this day I can't think about it without wanting to cut my own head off.

What a fantastic thread. Deemented- That is just about the funniest thing I have ever heard...

Sounds like a scene from an American Pie film!

Deemented - in all my years I have never heard the like. Surely not.

I am still in . I salute you.

Deemented

I work in a large city office. I was trying to commiserate to a new youngish attractive guy who was about to spend the next 2 hours on a conference call. I cheerfully shouted down the corridor that I hoped he had enough lead in his pencil

Oh, and I also memorably told my boss that what he lacked in length he made up for in width (I was actually trying to be helpful and justify the size of his room). Quite frankly I'm amazed I still work here..

PMSL at you LaBella that's terrible!

at these!
Makes me feel much better about having asked another mum at playgroup when she was due, to be told that she wasn't pregnant.
PadmeHum, where in Oz are you? I'm in Perth enjoying my second glass of sauvignon blanc.

Demented - I feel a bit queaasy....you norty girl! Wonder if the father and son ever sit of an evening, sharing their fond memories of you over a pint!

I was pitching for a contract once, and starting talking about the job being the elephant on their shoulder, and how I was the answer to their problem. It took a very kind man to gently tell me it was a weight on your shoulder or an elephant in the room.

Fortunately I still got the job - the other candidates must have been really crap!