Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

Fellatio - I could write my own thread of these but (a) I would completely out myself and (b) I would like to maintain a modicum of respect on here

Few years ago Ds1 got invited to a swimming party - had gone to a few others all at the same place. Didn't really look at the invite too closely - turned up at leisure centre place at the right time - everyone seemed to be in the pool - receptionist just said "go on through for the party". Got changed then got in pool started swimming around - said to DS1 where were his friends? Then a parent swam over and said this was Xs party and who were we... onmy face as realised must be at the wrong leisure centre - the other was a couple of miles up the road!! Quick change - went off in car and got the last 10 mins or so in the pool of the right place....

Moral of story always check the invite and take it with you!

I had a one night stand when I was 17 - it was only the second person I had ever slept with.

Went back to his house - he lived with his parents - in a massive great big georgian terrace.

Was sat astride him naked, when his dad walked into the room to piss in the sink (already had willy out), turned on the 100000 watt overhead light, we were all petrified with shock. Turned out to be my old Geography teacher Mr Thompson.

He just said 'shit, sorry', and backed out the door, willy in hand.

What makes it worse was that I got a job in my old school (where Mr Thompson still worked) a couple of years later, and every time he saw me he winked, the old rogue.

in waitrose, loading my shopping on the conveyor belt, notice the checkout girl is struggling a bit as her left hand is in plaster, i commiserate, she says she broke her hand, i say, cheerily "oh well, at least you've got another one!".

then notice that, in fact, she doesn't.

what are the odds...

PMSL 'what are the odds'

I remember cringing with horror when i was about 4 and saw a great big portuguese man of war jellyfish washed up on Ilfracombe beach.

'oh look at his massive testicles' I cried, to the edification of the entire beach.

I still hesitate when i say tentacles.

I also pointed at a load of flamingos in Paignton Zoo once, and said loudly 'look at all the sandamingos'. I genuinely thought that was what they were called. I was 22.

omg! these a fabulous.

i dont think ive done anything on this scale yet - there is still time i suppose.

God, mine is so lame compared to these. I was at a music and poetry gig by myself as DH decided he'd rather cut his own head off than join me, and I'd moved over to allow some people to sit down. In doing so, I'd exchanged a smile with the bloke. Then in the interval, we started chatting about the gig. He asked me if I'd seen that poet before and I replied, 'Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I'm married.' He looked at me and said, 'yes, I can see your rings, I just asked if you'd seen that poet before?' It was very loud in there and I'd obviously misheard him, but HOW embarrassing that I thought he was trying to chat me up. It was obviously wishful thinking that I've still got it....

The worst thing is that I foolishly told my colleagues this story and it is mentioned the WHOLE time.

"Still hesitate when I say tentacles"

my sister helpfully entertained some children in my back garden, during a BBQ. "listen to the cows" she said. one perceptive 5yr old piped up 'they're SHEEP'.

She always has been a bit too urban.

We had some friends over for dinner and they stayed the night. The following morning, just as they were leaving, my DH (Christ knows why he picked that moment, but he can be a bit odd sometimes) decided to present me with a little gift. It was a picture he'd spotted in a shop, and thought I'd like.

It was hideous. I mean really hideous. I sometimes wonder if he really knows me, or my taste at all.

Anyway, I was so bewildered/horrified by this picture that I stared at it for a momnet or two, and he said 'Well, do you like it?' at which point I burst into fits of hysterical laughter and could NOT STOP for about five minutes. Every time I thought I'd composed myself I looked at the picture and started again. My DH was furious, told me I was a rude ungrateful cow in front of our friends, and stoemed off. They looked like they wanted to floor to open up and swallow them, and they made a swift exit. DH didn't speak to me for the reast of the day.

ME "Other mum at school, DS2 will be delighted to come to little Johnny's party"
OMAS "Ooh lovely Port, i was worried because it clashes with the end of term fete the yr 6 are putting on"
ME "Oh i'm sure it won't be a problem. Folks would rather go to any old shit than that fete"

Too this day i never know why i said that.....................

lolol at fellatio's picture and port's any old shit.

That's a sentence I never would have thought to type.

I was hoping to book another sales appointment with a customer. Rubbing her back, she said she wasn't going to be around much longer.
Oh, said I, when are you due.

She was going for an op on her back so was going to be off sick, not having a baby.

I never went back there. .

My friend had been invited to an 'Evening with Jack Vettriano' where he was going to talk about his life, work etc.

It was a bit dull and he was starting to struggle a bit but told the audience that once he began painting, he would become completely absorbed and days would pass.

My friend, who sat in the front row between an elderly couple, put her hand up and said "So you are up and hard at it all night then Jack?"
Cue horrified silence then hysterical laughter from almost all the audience, except the elderly couple...who were later introduced as his mum and dad...

My friend still dies at the thought and has no idea why she asked the question.

I also told DS2's teacher that he liked to look at CBoobies on the Laptop with his dad . Thank God she laughed...

I shouldn't be let out alone.

Get orfmoiland, that is wrong on so many levels.
The sink?
Your teacher?
Winking at you?
Goodness gracious.

I wnt to a posh party a few weeks ago, and had big spanx knickers on that came quite far doen my leg, and some hold-up stockings that I couldn't quite decide whether to put over or under the knicker legs. I opted for over.

Before we'd even got past the reception drinks stage, I could feel them slipping and knew they were not going to stay up, so I made my excuses and went to the loo. It was only when I got to the loo that I noticed one of them was round my ankle.

At birth of DS3 had to nip out to the gents - walked back into the wrong delivery suite!

Took children to see Santa at local farm. There was a special barn with real live ox and ass etc. for the children to marvel at. My children gazed and gazed, until I got bored and decided it was time to go.

"Come on then, small people," I trilled. Turned around. Only then did I notice.....there was a gentleman with dwarfism standing right next to me.

Everybody just stared at me.

Feeling ill now, actually, just remembering.

Haha Majestic.

Thing is, do you normally summon your children with trhe phrase 'small people'?

Or is it a phrase which had never before been used by you, and the law of sod made you say it because there was a dwarf stood next to you.

Bet it's the latter

Oh god. I once worked in a shop and had my period one day so had a tampon in my top pocket (it was a deep pocket!!) Was bending and lifting boxes quite a lot and after serving customers for an hour and half i looked down and saw it sticking up right out of my pocket..totaly obvious what it was and i had served about 80 people...im still cringing...

Also had a one night stand with a complete tosser (local "badboy" ) years ago and never felt so ashamed in my life..woke up about 8am, grabbed my things and legged it downstairs only to see his parents and brother in the kitchen all sat at the table with a perfect view of the front door...i stood there for a sec with a bright red face wondering what the hell to do then ran to the door WHICH WOULDN'T OPEN....omg never been so embarassed in my life in the night befores clothes, make up down my face, hair messy and struggled to open the bloody door for what seemed like hours while they watched in silence... Finally got it open and ran home started work an hour later in shop mentioned above still drunk and cringing

I used to work in a company almost exclusively staffed by men. One of their clients was a trendy London Business called 'Harry Monk'. I got it into my head that it sounded like Cockney Rhyming Slang for something, but couldn't for the life of me remember what it stood for.

I went ON and ON about it for fucking ages, saying, oh would does it stand for? I know it stands for something...it's on the tip of my tongue, come end, can anyone think what it is? ad infinitum.

Cue a load of men uncomfortably shifting in their seats and avoiding my gaze.

It was YEARS later that it suddenly dawned on me, and I still get hot cheeks when I think about it.

Actually, GetOrf, I do routinely call the kids "small people". It's because of that famous BBC trailer thing years back where a little boy who looked like a miniaturised Ian Hislop went on and on about the programmes the BBC produces for the small people.

However, it did seem to me, standing trembling there in the barn under the outraged gaze of what appeared like half the population of the world, that launching into this explanation wasn't actually going to help matters at all.............

Cho - put me out of my misery please - what the hell does it mean?!!