Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

[kerstina]

I say stupid things ALL the time .Yesterday i asked another mom if she was taking her son to the park he has broken his leg and was in a wheel chair ! FGS

[MorganMindy]

No probs FN!

I don't really say anything inappropriate very often (that I can remember, I'm trying to think if there are any though).

I do get very clumsy when I'm nervous though and have knocked over many drinks in my time.

[EasilyConfusedIndith]

I was once talking ot the mother of a severly disabled, profoundly deaf girl. The mum was telling me how it was taking ages for themt o get through Harry Potter because her dd's English wasn't good enough to read herself (and her mum would have to prop the book up and then turn the pages anyway) so she was having to read them and translate into sign. In my head I had this picture of a dvd with audio, subtitles and sign to cover all needs. What came out was "have you tried the audio books?"

[twoisplenty]

One of the first attempts at being served in a pub, so about 17 then.

I asked the man (in his late twenties I would say) for..

"I would like an orange juice, half a cider, and have you got any nuts

I WENT BRIGHT RED

[MorganMindy]

Actually I've thought of one. I didn't say it but was embarrassed all the same.

I was at a wedding (I was only 18 or 19) and talking to a group of people I didn't know that well. One of the women was saying how her brother (also standing with us and very good looking btw) used to be a policeman and that "it was his party trick to show everyone his helmet" at which point I snorted rather unatractively (sp!) but no-one else even cracked a smile.

I had to walk away feeling very ashamed of my disgusting mind but also laughing so hard at what she'd said.

[Deemented]

These are fabulous!!!

I think the funniest bit of my tale was that as i was jumping up in mortification the dad said 'No, don't stop....'

[rastababi]

Acanthus Yes true, but it's always miffed me as to how he linked it all together? He must have gone through every single school contact number on record to see if this prank caller happened to be a school pupil? Bear in mind we only rung him twice and didn't actually say anything. In a final attempt to justify our daft and highly annoying behavior we were a bunch of 12 year old hormonal teenage girls

[FellatioNelson]

We went for a curry and were all pitching in ahsaring each others dishes. I offered one girl a bit of my prawn thing, she said 'No thanks, I'm vegetarian.' So I pushed the prawns to one side and said 'Never mind, just have a bit of the sauce.'

I'm stupid.

[chocobiccie]

I am loving this thread.

I once went to the chip shop, and noticed that there weren't any sausages already cooked in the heater thing. I didn't want to say anything stupid so I thought carefully about how to ask for a sausage, but ended up coming out with 'Do you have a Jumbo Sausage?'

The chip shop man, his WIFE, and ALL the customers roared with laughter.

I haven't been back to that shop since.

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

I don't feel embarrassed by this, actually, as I don't remember it at all! But it's a tale told many a time by my mum.

When we were younger, we had that spitting image single, with that song on the other side 'I've Never Met A Nice South African'. Being children, my brother and I thought it was the best song ever, not because we had a clue what it was actually about, but because it contained the immortal line 'I've met a man who had two willies'.

Anyway, when we went to stay at my grandparents once, they had a SA friend staying over and he asked me to show him round the house, picking me up to do so. Being about 5, that meant that he was therefore my hero. I announced very loudly in front of everyone after the 'tour' that song saying that 'I'd never met a nice south african was wrong, because you're south african and you're nice'! Poor bloke!

[FellatioNelson]

I thought you were going to say you asked him if he had two willies then.

[FellatioNelson]

Deemented I take it there was no Mum in the bed then!

[Deemented]

Indeed there was not

[fedupwithdeployment]

Deemented - you win!!!

[Psammead]

First day of a new job - very nervous and shy - had to ask someone to hand me a 'date stamp' to stamp a document. Was the youngest person by far in an office full of very dour faced older employees. My monologue of shame ran like this:

'Could you pass me the state damp, please? Oh, haha, sorry, I meant state damp.'

'Oh no! How silly! Hahaha! What I need is the state damp. Oh for GOODNESS sake! State damp! State damp!!'

'Hahaha! Sorry! State damp! Fuck, why can't I... STATE DAMP!'

I tried to say date stamp a few more times and it always came out as state damp. Got totally hysterical, cold sweat, maniacal laughter, hyperventilation etc, because not ONE of the buggers broke a smile and took pity on me. I had to leave the room to calm down. Got back and pretended the state damp thing never happened. So did they. Bastards.

Actually getting sweaty palms typing about it.

[Psammead]

OMG I can't even bold it properly. It's all coming back to haunt me.

DATE STAMP

[grapeandlemon]

Absolutely pmsl

[strongblackcoffee]

Psammead that just made me cry

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Psammead, I just snorted at your damp state.

[Psammead]

I truly was a damp state afterwards. Horrifying. I swear to God one of them had pince-nez and glared sternly over them at my verbal impersonation of a drowning person.

[FellatioNelson]

I hate people like that - when they can see you are struggling and they offer no lifeline. Bastards.

[BigHairyLeggedSpider]

Is anyone else feeling a bit sorry for the dad in Dee's story? There he is, getting the bonus blowjob of his life... and it's rudely interrupted!!

[EricNorthmansmistress]

I'm still really ashamed of this one. When I was managing a cafe as a young and feckless 22 year old I had a sign up for staff. Applicants were always young (16-24) and usually students willing to do non-fixed part time hours on minimum wage. A lady came in and asked how she could apply. Instead of politely taking her CV and reading it later, I asked her how old she was which is so rude and probably illegal. The poor woman answered me (patronising little upstart that I was) looking a little surprised and I tried to explain that I was asking because most people who worked there weren't looking for 'proper' jobs. God knows what possessed me, I was probably not mature enough to do the job but had it anyway. What a bitch I was. The woman (sensibly) didn't leave a CV - probably horrified at the thought of working for me

[StealthPolarBear]

err no BHLS what kind of man would do that to his son!

[FellatioNelson]

Can you imagine how pissed off he would have been though, like thinking you've won the lottery and realising you haven't!