Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

[StealthPolarStuckSpaceBar]

just getting on this thread again to read the updated stuff but too risky at the moment as I'm at work. I am on lunch but I can't just start sniggering

[StealthPolarStuckSpaceBar]

"hermioneweasley Tue 04-Jan-11 19:32:25
i was at my best friend's wedding and at the evening celebration was a bit overcome by the happy emotion of it all. I was reflecting on what a lovely day it was and how lovely her family are when i was in the ladies. On the way out of the ladies i bumped into her brother's fiance. I clasped her hands about to tell her that she was so lucky to be marrying into such a warm and wonderful family....when I remembered that he hadn't yet proposed (some kerfuffle about a ring), and she was very much still the girlfriend. I swallowed my original speech, and with my eyes shining with tears and a voice ragged with emotion (still clasping her hands) said...."there isn't paper in every cubicle"."

PMSL

[spongebunnyfatpants]

Watching a wildlife programme with my family about apes.

DH walks in the room and says 'what's up with that monkey?"

I say 'it's got minge'.

Then watch as everyone in the room pisses themselves.

I meant 'mange'. Oh the . Still makes me cringe now.

[propercrimbo]

I actually have tears and face ache from reading this thread!
I once went on a date, back in my single days, I got ready in a rush and stuck a pair of jeans on I had briefly had on the day before on. When we got to the pub I got up to go to the toilet and when I got back he said to me 'are those your knickers' pointing to the middle of the floor in the (weekday so not very busy) pub. I said 'no' he said, 'they just came out of the bottom of your trouser leg' seriously never wanted to die so much EVER!!

[propercrimbo]

spongebunny pmsl at minge!

[mollymole]

at a dinner party i proudly announced that we had just joined the National Front - I should have said National Trust !!!!

[Bobbiesmum]

Le Queen I literally have tears rolling down my cheeks, my dd is most concerned

[StealthPolarStuckSpaceBar]

lol at joining national front

[cath476]

Hope nobodyminds but I love this thread so much that I wanted to bump - please keep the stories coming!!!

[Banananutmuffin]

I remember once i was visiting my mum in hospital and the woman in the next bed had her heavily pregnant daughter standing beside her bed.

Me - "Here, you take my seat, you're the pregnant one"
Her - "Ummm, i'm actually not pregnant"
Me - "OH. Ummmm (panic).....well, you must be recovering from the birth! here take the chair"
Her - "My youngest is 14"

Bugger.

[sc2987]

This is almost identical to mine.

I helped organise an elderly persons' dinner dance as part of a volunteering project at uni. One of my tasks was to encourage the attendees to dance after their meal. I went round the tables, getting to one old lady who said she couldn't dance in response to my suggestion. I said "Of course you can, everyone can dance" [albeit not always very well!] and she said "I've got no legs", at which point I noticed the wheelchair...

[dolldaggabuzzbuzz]

When I was 16 I went to a posh meal with my DP's posh parents and even posher grandparents. I helped myself to a couple of free glasses of red, and was a little messy. GP1 mentioned a friend of the family who owned a local saddlery business, named John Thomas.... On hearing the name I (loudly, looking back) launched into a Blackadder quote (Deep Northern accent) "I'd no sooner place my daughter in the 'ands of a man wot didn't love 'er, than place me John Thomas in the 'ands of a maniac.....with a pair of scissors!"
I swear to fucking god, and to you all now, on the eternal souls of my DCs, I had NO FUCKING IDEA what a John Thomas was! I thought it was like a pair of long johns or something..... I couldn't understand the STUNNED silence around the table, and my DP hurriedly ushering me out, explaining apologetically "I think she needs some air" He explained outside the MASSIVE faux pas, I was mortified, even in my inebriated state. I had to go back in there and face the posh inlaws for the rest of the meal. The relationship didn't last.

[boldandbeautiful]

bump

[StealthPolarBear]

Double bump

[BelleEnd]

Brilliant thread :)
Last year's school fete. I was on the cake stall. One mother had gained a lot of weight after being bedridden with a serious illness. She came over and started admiring the cakes I had made. "I want to buy them all," she said, "But how would I carry them home?"
"You could store them in your cheeks, like a hamster," said I. WHY did I say it? Why? Why? Why?

[mildredm]

I needed this thread to cheer me up!!

I've got nothing as funny as any on here, but do have one from when I was at school. Got to the bus stop to catch bus home from school,

Me to girl I knew vaguely from another school:

(conversationally) "Hi - you just been swimming?"

Her:

"No."

Tumbleweed drifts by as I try desperately to think of a way of it not sounding like she just has really really really greasy hair...!! Couldn't think of anything and just avoided her from then on!!!

[mildredm]

Ok, remembered another one.

Some years ago I went round the flat of a friend I had known at university but hadn't seen in a few years. In the intervening period she had developed an obsession with interest in pet rats.

She took one of said rats out of its cage and let it run around the room. I was sat on the sofa and this rat took me completely by surprise by running up my leg and my body!

In a horrendous moment of instantaneous reflex I flung my arm out and this rat flew across the room and smacked really hard onto the floor .

I went home soon after in embarrassment (luckily the rat seemed fine but my friend was pretty shellshocked!) and didn't see the friend again for another few years!!! Amazingly we are now quite close again, but she no longer owns rats and we have never discussed what happened!

[ovaltine]

ahh this has made me laugh.

to my friend's new Malay boyf (who is muslim and has never been somewhere so cold) "i bet its weird for you having Christmas in the snow! do you normally go to the beach"

[Aquilla]

I popped across the road to visit an elderly neighbour (who lives alone) and, upon seeing some small shoes lined up in the porch, exclaimed loudly and delightedly, 'Oh, I see you have little people visiting you today!'. As I entered her sitting room, I found that she did indeed have two genuine 'Little People' sitting on her couch! Eek!

[Kelbells]

Oh... I've just started reading this and have a feeling I won't be getting much cooking done for dinner!

So, I thought I'd add one, it's not what I said but my Mum.

My parents run their business from home... My mum was heard calling one of her customers 'a twat'... Shocked we asked her why she did it.... Turned out she'd heard someone say it a few weeks earlier and thought it was the cool new term for 'twit'.... She'd been insulting lots and lots of people ever since!! Luckily she's such a sweetie and most of the customers work with building sites, we don't think anyone was mortally offended!

[DeathByChocolate01]

Talking to a young girl at work (she was only 14) and she was telling me that she wanted to be a model, but she was going to refuse to let her photos be airbrushed. For some incomprehensible reason, instead of praising her for such a noble intention, I said "well nobody would hire you then, would they?". She was so I tried to backpedal by saying "well, I mean, if your picture is next to someone else's airbrushed one, you'll look really blotchy..." I promise I am not a bitch, I just had a complete brain-to-mouth malfunction!

[Whirliwig72]

When I moved to the area I live in about a year and a half ago I didnt know anyone and was a bit incredibly lonesome.
Anyway I joined my local gym which had a crèche and was in the process of settling my son in when I got chatting to another mum doing the same thing.
The crèche suggested leaving the kids to settle for a little while so we went off together to the gym cafe. To cut a long story short i thought this mum was great: bright, funny, interesting, lots in common etc so I eagerly took her phone number and agreed to arrange to meet up with her soon.

As I stood up and said goodbye I don't know what came over me (maybe relief to find a kindred spirit i don't know ) but I lent over to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek goodbye like she was a really good friend id known for ages. Anyway I guess she must have been a bit touch phobic cos she totally freaked out - turning her face away and edging backwards. To make things worse instead of backing away myself I just, in a confused state, went in for a peck a second time .

This time i missed completely, swept out with my arm to catch myself and took out our tea cups in one fell swoop. After this she just looked at me really oddly like " you're a real wierdo i wish i hadnt just given you my number" said 'ok .... BYE!' then pretty much ran out of the cafe.

To my shame I never called her and in fact went to great lengths to avoid going to the gym or crèche for most of my year's membership . Ironically 18 months later she's just started turning up at my tumble tots class much to my intense embarrassment (its a big big group so we just studiously avoid eye contact).

Touch phobic mum if you are reading - sorry I was such a knob and never called you please pm me if you'd like to start over again - I'm pretty normal I promise and won't lunge again .

[tintoytarantula]

My boss was showing me some designs for Christmas cards that he was thinking about getting printed for the company to send out to clients. He was telling me he didn't much like a particular design and I blurted out (top of my voice in front of the entire office), "No, me either, the bauble on the left looks like a butt plug."

It was a pretty relaxed place, we got away with swearing and what-have-you, but I'm pretty sure I crossed the line. There was this deathly silence and I wanted the earth to swallow me. To make things worse, I then stuttered something out about not having personal experience but I have this friend who's an escort and she tells me stories... Which is perfectly true, but didn't appear to help matters much.

In my defense, it DID look like a butt plug. A pretty, sparkly, festive butt plug hanging from a tree.

[ScoopThePoop]

Oh my goodnessWhirly that was two lunges too far!

My one is tame. It happened so long ago I can't even think when it was (subconsciously blotting out I suppose).

There used to be several horses in the field opposite our house and folk passing would stop their cars and get out to interact with them.
I was out in the garden one day when a lady with a two children (boy & girl