Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

[chocolatecheesecake]

I was walking down the street chatting to DH. I put my hand in his and kept chatting. After a while a voice said "who ARE you"?! DH had stopped to look in a shop window, and I was holding hands with a total stranger...

There are many more, much worse, but have repressed the memories for some reason...

[PinkPanther27]

These are brilliant - Iw as gonna go to bed over an hour ago but I'm hooked. Mild compared to some but me and dh were away on a caravan holiday and we went swimming at the very busy family swimming pool. I had on my new bikini and got out at the shallow end before walking the entire length of the very busy pool to where my dh was. I noticed the lifeguard was v obviously staring at the front of my bikini bottoms so gave him a look like "what are you looking at you pervert" and when I got into the pool my dh told me that my bikini bottoms were see through At least I'd had a brazillian done a few days before but was too embarassed to get out till the pool was nearly empty.

[reeniemartini]

Me and my friend we VEH drunk in a pub. Two guys came over and started chatting us up in a harmelss way. Their modus operandi was to try and appeal to our womanly, caring nature (!). Bloke No.1 announced he was a peadeatrician - I SAVE LITTLE BABIES!- he proudly declaimed. Bloke No.2 (obv trying to test the ladies love a man in uniform rule) said he was a "BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERT".
At which point we told them quite bluntly that we weren't that gullible, they were taking the piss and we didn't believe them.
"Well how do you think THIS happened then?", Bloke No.2 said - and slapped his hand on the table, minus everything except his thumb.
My friend was so pissed she thought he was hiding his fingers and picked up his hand to try and prove the point..........he wasn't.
For some unknown reason her immediate response was to say "Well I wouldn't call you an EXPERT".
Then she went really red and spluttered something about how grateful we were to him for protecting our country.
They left about 60 seconds letter.
I had to put my head between my legs to stop me passing out from laughing. I think this may make me a bad person :(

[DeathByChocolate01]

reenie Well he obviously wasn't much of an expert if he managed to get himself blown up! I'd be inclined to think he'd had an accident with a lawnmower (number one cause of finger amputation, statistically!) and made up the bomb disposal thing... perhaps I'm the bad person for being so cynical!

[SaltResistantSlug]

Leaked my period all over BIL's pristine white futon in his pristine white minimally-decorated swanky pad.

Was comatose at the time following copious alcohol consumption. I won't say what I did to try to get rid if it - that's the part I really can't reconcile my conscience to.

[ScoopThePoop]

Come Salt, you can't leave it just hanging like that.
What did you do?

[Dottymcdot]

We were having an issue with the telephones at work. We thought that we had finally fixed it so a collegue phoned the extension and told me to pick it up .....I picked up the whole phone......

[Dottymcdot]

When I was a lot younger and in my first job went on a work Christmas do, one of my colleagues was wearing a kilt and I was a little drunk and thought I would check if he was wearing any underwear......he wasn't.......eeek was never quite able to look him in the eyes again.

[IHeartKingThistle]

Teaching poetry to a group of lovely very low ability boys.

I'm teaching a poem called 'Blackberry-Picking'. One of the lines is 'our palms sticky as Bluebeard's'. I'm trying to get them to figure out that this is a reference to the story of Bluebeard, who murdered his wives, and that the blackberry juice is therefore being compared to blood. They aren't getting it. That's when I say this:

"Come on boys, what else makes your palms sticky?"

They were in pieces. I would have been able to laugh it off, I think, had it not been for the horrified look on the red face of the very shy middle aged male support teacher who was also in the room.

[roses12]

Omg bringing back unwanted memories:

Too vain to wear glasses whilst out walking so constantly wave and smile at strangers like a nutter.

Introduced my friend of 4yrs to some new mums at toddler group. She is not called Kay. Went into complete panic mode calmly tried to explain and said " oh it's just that you remind me so much of my mums friend called Kay......

Arranged to meet dh at canal bar in Manchester turned up to a random bar on canal street instead. To his credit he rang me up to find out what happened despite being stood up. Next date he met me straight from work. I had spent ages picking out the perfect outfit as you do. His first line was "is that your uniform". Amazingly still here 18 yrs later.

Also have congratulated non pregnant women on their good news.

Got drunk and told my mates little sister how my biggest regret was not sleeping with lots more men when I had the chance - she was only 15 at the time. My son is now 15 and I cringe at the thought of anyone giving him that advice.

My mate related her horrific birth story to me and my mate who had just found out we were pregnant but not announced it I was -shitting myself- quite nervous after that.

Most embrassing mo was Pnd related. Was so lonely friendly when I had my first child I accosted an elderly woman at Tescos recycling point. At first it was just friendly chit chat but then just burst out crying proper bawling. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me but couldn't stop. Still mortified.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Am having fresh hysterics at "He was making noises like he was coming".

[NicholasTeakozy]

Crying at the on telling Terry Waite he should be locked up.

And 'I wouldn't call you an expert'. :o:o

[CrazyChicken]

Me and some friends were leaving after a film and one of them was raving over the main man. She said oh I'd never get someone like that and I said oh you plenty of gorgeous men with horrible looking women

[Integer]

I'm always afraid to congratulate pregnant women unless they clearly tell me they are pregnant - just in case..

[Lara2]

To a father of a child in my class when he told me they were expecting their 6th child (I'd taught the first 4): "Time for the chop eh Mr X". WHAT possessed me??????

[Flumpyflumps]

I posted the other day that I had a meeting with DD head teacher.

Her - thanks for coming in Mrs Flumpy
Me - no problem sweet cheeks

Just why?! What was I thinking??

[SqueakyGeek]

I love this thread.
I just have a brazen face I put on now to cover up the fact that I do this all the time.
Starting at age 8:
Saw the nun telling girl next to me it was ok to leave mass so I told the rest of the class and we all trooped out in the middle of mass. Turns out she had special permission. Every girl in the class dobbed me in bar one. I was eternally grateful for the show of solidarity.

On being told someone's grandma had died , and thinking it was a setup for a joke said , well you don't look very upset about it.

Coming home drunk, jumped over a wall for a wee and sat on a nettle. Had hard time explaining the rash to my boyf.
Hmm on that note: had an even harder time explaining why I had writing on my back.

On being asked by the CEO if I had met Xyz, I saw oh yes he's a very nice black. BLOKE. BLOKE. I meant bloke. Really I did.

Oh yes, my friends persuaded me to get another friend a vibrator for her 21st, as I was going to see her in London where she's been for six months. I arrived and proudly presented it, all gift wrapped, and then she stood up and showed me her 42week bump. I was totally fucking clueless. Cue me trying to claw the present back but I had to stand there mortified while she opened it. I've never really been forgiven.

[SPBInDisguise]

Just getting back on thks thread

[bulba2000]

Oh God, it had to happen on my first date EVER when I was 16. I fancied the boy like mad. We went to the fair and went in one of those big ghost-house type places that have things jumping out at you and squishy things you hold and pretend are eyeballs. Anyway, we emerged from the last (dark) room into a slightly less dark room and there was just a table with a hand resting on the top of it. I thought I'd demonstrate how brave I was by going up to the hand and squeezing it, trying to pick it up etc...

Only for a very angry-looking face to appear from the other side of the table - it was the ghost house operator kneeling down with the rest of him hidden from view and god knows what he thought I was trying to do to him, cringe!! I just squeaked I thought his hand was a fake one (which didn't help matters) while the boy just looked on in confusion behind...

Yeah we didn't go on another date after that, funnily enough.

[Jestrin]

My brother has never been allowed to forget this.... My mum and aunt went to watch him sing with the school choir at our local church. It must have been christmas or something anyway, he managed to fall off the stage and lose his hymn sheets. But rather than walk off he must have panicked slightly and rather than do nothing decided to conduct the choir instead. Later on my mum realised thats she had brought the church hymn book home and sent my sister back to return it. My sister then got a severe lecture about stealing church property!

[sammerinna]

Many years ago a friend had a small shop and asked if i'd sit in one day. I was standing at the counter of her shop reading the short list of do's and don'ts she left for me. Suddenly the urge to poo hiit so I locked the door and took list in the shitter to read. I was reading it and unloading a particularly nasty one, truly horrible., stunk! At the very bottom of the list was DO NOT SHIT in toilet its badly blocked. Plumber coming around 2. Fuck...I threw bucket of water down and that made it worse. I had all day to wait in anxiety and think of excuse to make to Plumber. He came and wasn't the short, pot bellied, flat cap plumber I had in mind but gorgeous, and well built.. He went in and I pretended To know nothing. He emerged looked me straight in the eye and said he needed some longer gloves and that he told my friend not to let anyone use it. I said 'I hadn't,' he mumbled slyly 'someone has love - recently an' all".. Oh god I'm cringing now - crawling under table after 20 years..

[sammerinna]

forgot to mention - i left 'do's and don'ts' list in there too. He must have read it .

[Loz1980]

When I was about 4 or 5 I went with my family to see Cinderella pantomime where Michael Barrymore was playing Buttons. Before the show started he got about 5 kids to go up on stage and do stupid dances with him. I was picked out of the audience to go up much to my mum's delight! After we'd done whatever stupid thing we were supposed to do he interviewed us all one by one. When it was my turn I managed to answer all the questions brilliantly (name/age etc) but them he asked me where I lived....
I told him I lived at Pontins.
I can still see my mum and aunty laughing now.
I'm 33 and still get ribbed about this.

[Harrynairn]

It rhymes with spunk...