Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

I've had to namechange for this - I'm not brave enough to post otherwise.

Aged a very naive 11 we'd just done sex ed. Cue me sitting down with my gran, who always insisted her babies had come from the stalk, and trying to educate her. In graphic language. I just read it off the page 'the man thrusts his hips back and forth and has an orgasm and ejaculates' (I can remember everything I said!). Thing is the word orgasm to me was the equivalent to zygote - a sciency word I didn't understand. I had no idea what it meant. I genuinely thought I was educating my gran too; that she didn't know all this.

God it was so embarrassing when I realised. She took it very well though. Just nodded and laughed and said 'oh really.'

maybe bunk?wank?

stalk? that should be stork!!!

Spunk

Spunk i think..

Aged 17 was having a drink with a guy I really fancied. Cooly lit my cigarette while making lingering eye contact only to suddenly smell burning plastic!

I had only lit the wrong end! And to make matters worse instead of making a joke about it and laughing it off I hid it under the table while he was talking to me stubbed it out and then went and hid in the loo for 10mins until my blushes subsided. To his credit he didn't make anything of it but funnily enough we never had another drink!

My (now)DH and I went windsurfing on a lake. We were both really crap at it and spent a lot of time in the water. At one point he was flopping around and I yelled at him: "Get on that board, fat boy!!"

Then I noticed a fat boy (c12yo) on the lakeside, with his very large, heavily tattooed dad...

getting on this thread to read later

i have no willpower, these are brilliant

Back in my single days I met a rather nice man at a mutual friend's party - we ended up getting very drunk and spending the night there together.

A few days later we arranged to meet up for a drink. I was running late and a bit flustered, but saw him at the bar and went up to say Hi - cue very blank look from him, and another voice piping up from a different table "Are you looking for me?".

Luckily he found it hysterical that I hadn't recognised him and wandered up to a completely random bloke despite having been fairly intimately acquainted .

To this day i have NO idea what I was thinking/saying. I was not even drunk.

Lived overseas for a while and was invited to an embassy drinks reception. Was chatting to the Miltary attache and his wife.... first time I had met them. I asked the wife if she enjoyed the country, and she said that she was only over for a holiday, that she lives in the UK. I turned to her husband and said 'Oh, you've imported her for sex then?'.

I honestly do not know what came over me.

pmsl fwl

rastababi - surely your parents had given your phone number to the school?

I was sitting in the waiting area of London Weekend television as I was going to appear on a telly show when I noticed an chap who often pops up as suppporting role in programmes.

We got chatting and I mentioned that I'd seen him in a childrens television series recently that I thought was very good. Unfortunatly i was so nervous about appearing on telly that instead of saying how good it/he was I told him it was a load of crap!

GetOrfMoiLand I have to ask - why on earth was he going to pee in the sink?! And what room were you in anyway such that there was a sink in it

I actually have to know.

I heart this thread.

FWL I have a long tradition of foot in mouth syndrome but I'm so glad there are people like you around to make me feel really quite dignified and erudite in comprison.

Recently, we had a bbq type event and DH had invited someone who I sort of knew. Anyhow, in he came and I, in my over ethusiastic way, shouted to everyone who was there already " And everyone, this is xxxxx", and it was not a name I had come across before and thus presumed it was a nickname, but was quite proud of myself for remembering it anyway. But then felt the need to follow this up with "Soooooo, what is your real name", in loud voice in front of all the guests.

"that is my real name".

Excellent

This was followed a few minutes later by me trying to have polite conversation with said man, and noticed he had a knee bandage, so I asked "ooh what have you done to your knee?", to which he replied "I injured it 20 years ago playing rugby". Cue me, "that's milking it a bit isn't it?"

FFS.

We once went to a concert with my SIL and her sister, who had recently had breast reduction surgery. She hadn't seen my DH for a quite few years, and he'd gone bald in the meantime.

She said 'Hello - lovely to see you after all these years - Gosh, I hardly recognise you - you've got a lot less hair on your head since last I saw you!'

I (quick as a flash) replied, 'Yes, and he hardly recognises you - you've got much smaller boobs than when he last saw you.'

I'd never met her before.

Fellatio. Happy to help.

Gosh I've done so many embarressing things its hard to choose one!

One thing I'm never aloud to forget is when I inedvertently accused my then future sister in law of being a prostitute.

Myself my DH, sis in law and bro inlaw and m.i.l. were standing out side a pub that happened to be on corner having a drink. I can't remember exactly how the conversation went but I was remembering how when your a teenager you sometimes end up drinking on street corners cos you can't go in to pubs.

I said "Brings back memories doesn't it?"

My Dh pounced on this saying "What are you saying? That ##### is used to standing on street corners!?"

This was about the second time I'd met her.

I bumper into a mum from school while I was bra shopping last week. She was admiring all the bras in my hand saying how pretty they were, and I said 'Yes, but they are shagging bras - I just wanted practical comfy ones.'

I thought she'd nod with empathy but she just did a nervous little laugh and went a bit red, and looked pained.

This is the best thread! Working up the courage to make some confessions myself

LadyBlaBlah, your 'Milking it' comment had me in stitches, what did he say???

Also FN, the one where you poked the lady in the chest, fantastic!

8MM* this drinks thing is an annual event and I've got to go again next week. Might have to tie my hands behind my back.

I'm dreading it already - I know I'll say at least one deeply inappropriate thing to someone.

Sorry - don't know why I gave you an 8 in your name MM