I crossed a line today and it has scared me but I also feel less scared

[Nabster]

I am hiding in my room as the ILs have popped round.

I am scared to tell anyone as once I put it on here, everyone will know and I don't know if there is anyone on here who knows me in RL.

DH says I have to ring the Doctor tomorrow but I know I won't.

Not being deliberately annoying, just very scared.

Why are you scared of your il's?

I'm not scared of them. I am in my room as I can't talk to anyone.

We are meant to be going to get DS1's birthday present and I need to food shop. Don't know whether to just go to Waitrose now on my own or wait until they go.

oh, i see.
If you go now, you will have to speak to them wont you, just get dh to tell them you are asleep then wait till they are gone.

thought it was just me that did those kind of things, nice to know im not the only one.

what's happening nab? you can always get mntowers to delete if you change your mind.

we're here.

Hi

Sorry, we went to get the present and then DH stayed in the car while I did the shopping. I couldn't face Asda after yesterday.

I need to keep busy I think. Might go a bit hyper but I think that is okay?

hi nab, sorry i didn't make it back to the thread - took my girls out for the day.

how are you? do you need to talk or has it passed? you can always talk here you know.

take care x

Thank you.

Hasn't passed.

Feel scared that I might try it again.

Want to text my friend but not fair to her.

ok, so i have chocoalate fudge, lemon drizzle or battenburg, which do you fancy?

okay there's lots of us here, we have broad shoulders, talk to us.

btw i just scrolled down to your thread from ?yesterday - you have developments yes? this is good, are you reacting to that at the moment?

dc - chocolate fudge please.

m - I think it is maybe because of Friday's appointment.

I just need to say it out loud but once I do I can't take it back.

we are listening, we dont mind, let it out. get it all down because then its out.

Believe me, i too have hidden in my bedroom when the ils have come round, even when close friends have come round, because i just am too anxious and cant cope.

I want too but I can't.

I don't think DH would like it if I posted it on here.

you can take it back. there's what? a dozen or so people who probably already "know" you reading the thread. if you want to have it deleted you can. i'm not saying you should, just if you want to.

your appt on fri was with gp? you're looking at some potential treatment? how have things been since the new dose started kicking in?

does dh know how much support you get on here?

Friday was the hospital to assess me. She is ringing me this week to tell me if I can have treatment.

I have been on the high dose tablets for about 5 weeks but I don't feel any better.

He does but I think he would prefer me not to be on here at all when the kids are up and making real life friends.

I think he would be really cross if I told anyone.

there was a moment when things were good - that hasn't carried on?

so hospital was with psychiatrist? or psych nurse? is this the first time you feel someone's getting close to the root of your problems?

A psychiatrist.

Back in 2004 a Doctor had picked up something but I didn't know and that was a shock to find out on Friday.

I want to just say it but am too scared.

if you say it what happens?

and if you don't?

diagnosis, treatment is positive, no?

If I say it I feel people will be angry with me.

If I don't I feel like I am keeping a big secret.

It is good to have a dx as at least I know now I am genuinely ill but it is scarey too.

who will be angry with you nab?

People who have tried to help and listened to me for ages.

you're just some dude on the internet, some (most?) of us feel we've been where you are and want to offer a hand if you'll take it. someone in the past has done it for us and we want to pay it forward. or we wish someone had been there for us. why would we be angry?

do you feel you're sabotaging your progress?

oh nab