Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

I crossed a line today and it has scared me but I also feel less scared

194 replies

Nabster · 15/03/2009 09:48

I am hiding in my room as the ILs have popped round.

I am scared to tell anyone as once I put it on here, everyone will know and I don't know if there is anyone on here who knows me in RL.

DH says I have to ring the Doctor tomorrow but I know I won't.

Not being deliberately annoying, just very scared.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 16/03/2009 14:26

can you explain more what felt nice ? impending oblivion? peace and quiet? knowing it would be over ?

rhubarb's post is fab

read it and re read it

Nabster · 16/03/2009 14:28

I want to print it out tbh as it helped so much.

It felt nice knowing I would go off to sleep and then it would be over.

OP posts:
systemsaddict · 16/03/2009 14:30

hi Nabster sorry we've not met before I don't think but having dealt with this in our family before I had to comment on your last post. You don't have to have something to be depressed 'about' to be depressed - that would be like saying you have to have something for flu to be 'about', or malaria, or .... Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain, it's a physical thing which is why anti-depressant pills can help, once you get the right ones with support from your mental health team. I hope you get to see a mental health professional as soon as possible, and as others have said, do be upfront about how you are feeling and what has happened to you so you can get the treatment you need to get better.

Nabster · 16/03/2009 14:31

I think I have a checmical inbalance due to 3 kids in 4 years and traumatic pregnancies/births/afterwards as well as a lot of issues due to my upbringing.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 16/03/2009 14:36

Yes, for you it would be over. For those you love, it would be the beginning of a nightmare. Their lives would never, ever be the same again.

Do you not dream of ever seeing your children marry? Of holding your first newborn grandchild in your arms? You've forgotten what it feels like to live.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think we take our lives for granted. There are people fighting to stay alive, fighting for the chance to watch their children grow, fighting to see just one more sunset. Yet you want to just give your life away?

Think now. What one thing would you most like to do? Is there a place you've never been that you want to visit? An event you'd love to see happen? Think of that one thing, write it down, hold onto it. Then strive to achieve it.

Because when we die there's no going back. We can't change our minds or just do one last thing. We are gone.

You have so much to give, so much that you can do. When you feel up to it, think about volunteering somewhere. So that you can help those who are struggling to stay alive, so that you can bring a little joy and happiness into someone's life. Because right now you probably don't feel very useful or wanted or needed. Those are common symptoms of the depression that you're suffering. But you are needed, we all are. You can make a difference in this life, we all can. Don't give your life away, it's far too precious for that.

Lulumama · 16/03/2009 14:38

can;t say it better than that rhubarb

nab, you are ill

that is the long and short of it

you need medical help and intervetion to get better

you need to be honest with your care givers and yourself and your family

you have come this far, don't give up now

solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2009 14:39

From having followed some of your previous threads I would say that you have had so many traumatic experiences that it is not surprising your brain chemistry is a bit messed up and that you need some serious longterm help but remember that help is available and asking for it is not shameful.
You are not the only one to have had problems like this, by a long way, and recovery is more than possible. Best of luck.

Nabster · 16/03/2009 14:39

Sometimes I think one of the few things keeping me going is that I want to be a Nana.
I never thought I could do it to my kids but I am shocked at it coming out of the blue and just trying.

Would you mind if I printed off your last couple of posts, Rhubarb. I have found them very helpful.

OP posts:
Nabster · 16/03/2009 14:41

Cross posted.

Thank you to all of you.

I have never really got it before. I have to go and get DS1 and DD now but I appreciate you getting me through this past hour or so.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 16/03/2009 14:43

Rhubarb is right.Your life is very much worth living but you need the proper help to be able to see that.many people with serious illness reach a point of 'is it worth living like this' but once they get the treatment they need they see that it is.You sound lovely and if you tell them what you have told everyone here yo will get the correct help.

Rhubarb · 16/03/2009 14:55

See this?

There, did that make you laugh? Well there's a reason for living right there! Have a flick through some of those other photos, there are loads of them all very very funny. Laughter is priceless and I think we are the only species of animal to fully appreciate laughter.

Fill your life with the things you wish to do because life is very short, you only get one, you need to maximise that life. And you need to be around to maximise your children's lives too. Because if you were to leave them now, they'd have to spend the rest of their lives coping with grief, guilt, betrayal, anger, emptiness etc. Do you really want your children to blame themselves for what happens to you? And no matter what you say, they will.

Now get help so that you can start laughing a bit more.

Nabster · 16/03/2009 16:02

I miss a good laugh.

I feel guilty laughing when I have caused my husband so much hurt.

I love him and want to be the wife he deserves and the one he signed up for.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 16/03/2009 16:04

My God don't feel guilty for laughing! Think how much pleasure he would take in seeing you laugh!

You should rent out a funny DVD and make time to watch it together this weekend.

Don't feel as though you have to be miserable to justify the worry you've put them through. If you really want to reward their love and patience, then you would take every step necessary to get better.

Nabster · 16/03/2009 17:49

Youare right. Dh would rather come home to a mess and me tell him I have had a fab day than struggle and be miserable.

We talked the other week about what we would change about each other and he said for me to worry less and be well.

OP posts:
ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 16/03/2009 18:19

Hi Nab, sorry I disappeared for a while, looks like you have had fantastic words of wisdom and experience from Rhubs. (Very very sad experience for you Rhubarb)

I know the feeling about feeling guilty about your husband. I think it is going to be a very long time before I feel that I don't owe him. The poor man cried so much last May and because of the depth of the pit I was in it had no effect on me at all. It is only now I am feeling a bit better that I can see how awful it has been for him

Each time we have cross words and I just want to get out of the house, he blocks the door and won't let me go. He is so frightened. I hope this guilt will go and his confidence in me will return

Anyway nuff about me waffling on, did the lady get back to you?

dollius · 16/03/2009 18:34

Nab, I feel so desperately for you at the moment.

I know how excruciatingly painful it is to go through long-term, deep depression. And five and a half years ago I attempted suicide as well.

I know exactly what you mean about going to sleep and it all going away.

You don't have to have something to be depressed "about". You have had a shockingly difficult childhood and having children is often the point which brings it all back and you start to struggle.

You are in the middle of a crisis.

You must, must, must get help immediately. Even if you think you won't do it again. Believe me, it creeps up on you and takes you over. I felt apathetic about my attempt for weeks afterwards. Luckily I was admitted onto a psychiatric ward for a week straight after it happened, and that allowed me just to rest and not worry about anything else at all. Just absolve responsibility for myself to someone else. But I definitely needed that - and you need similar help now.

Until you get better, you have to focus as hard as you can on those three little ones who really, really need you.

You will get through this - I survived it and have been happier than I have ever been since then.

Nabster · 16/03/2009 18:39

BTPOGS - No, nothing. She knows I am child free on Wed so maybe will ring then. I did mention about doing something stupid at the meeting and she perked up pretty quickly. I didn't mean hurting myself though.

dollius - It is very scarey to think I might try again. I just feel strange atm. Looking forward to my hypnosis cd tonight but then crazily worrying about getting addicted to it.

OP posts:
dollius · 16/03/2009 18:47

The "strange" you are feeling is the apathy I described. It is because you are in shock. When you realise properly what you tried to do, it will hit you hard. But that may not happen for weeks and in the meantime, yes you are in danger of being overtaken by the urge to put a stop to the pain again.

I completely understand it. It's like going to another place. Which is why even thoughts of your children may not stop you.

You must, must tell your psychiatrist that you are suicidal and need urgent help now.

Sorry to sound so alarming, and really don't want to make you feel worse. Am just really, really worried about you.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 16/03/2009 18:50

OK, ignore me if you will, but PLEASE contact her to let her know what you meant by not coping well.
Either by email tonight or by phone first thing, or by leaving a phone message. You need the support, I have found that in the day when things are busy I can be so calm and rational but when the house quietens down and I have chance to think, things go all wrong and that is when I have most of my panic attacks.

Is your DH home yet? I know we all sound a bit melodramatic about it but these are trained professionals who will know how to help you, when we are all trying and being kind but not experts.

BTW you have an amazing spirit, just seen you being prepared to help support someone else even though you are going through this crisis. The world needs more people like you - NOT less!

Nabster · 16/03/2009 19:03

Kids in bed.

Dh is doing dinner.

Have plans for tomorrow. (ollecting DS1's bike for his birthday)

Wish I could forget the other morning tbh as I am so going to hate myself for it.

OP posts:
Nabster · 16/03/2009 19:04

Have a bit of a head ache coming, Don't usually take anything but did on Saturday and don't want to keep doing so. Think it is an emotional headache.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 17/03/2009 08:13

We all do stupid things that we regret.

I may have to ask for this to be deleted, we'll see. I've had periods of very bad depression too (I guess it runs in the family). The first thoughts I had of suicide was at school, I was being very badly bullied and contemplated taking pills to end it all. But I couldn't swallow them, I kept choking them all up.

I've been through periods of self-harm in an attempt to 'feel' better. At the time I think it was an attempt to punish myself for the bad person I perceived I was.

I once stood in the middle of a busy road in an attempt to get run over. Dh saved me. I have never ever told anyone that and now at home we never ever mention it. I still feel ashamed talking about it. This was a few years ago.

You must ask for help. Looking back now I shiver at what could have happened. How my dh would have struggled with his grief and had to look after the 2 kids on his own. How they would have been left motherless and traumatised. Can you imagine knowing that your mother killed herself? What effect would that have had on them? How could I have not loved them enough to want to stay here with them forever?

I've come a long way since then. I still get very bad periods of depression and I have to be careful. My mind doesn't think rationally, it doesn't weigh up arguments, it only feels and the feelings get too much to bear. But I have strategies now, people I know I can talk to.

I would recommend talking to your dh when you feel a little better, and telling him what you'd like from him during those times. Because I know that I tend to push dh away, when actually I need him near me, to reassure me, to love me. It's hard for him to do that when I'm physically pushing him away, but because we've had this chat, he knows what to do to calm me.

Be honest with those around you. The only way I was able to develop my strategies was by discussing them with professionals. They work out a plan that is best for you. You may need medical treatment first, perhaps ADs, just to get your mind to the state where you are able to accept ideas and implement them. But talk to these people, they really do know what they are doing and they have literally saved my life.

I hope this has helps. Print it off if you like, before I consider asking for it to be deleted! Not because I'm afraid of people who know me reading this, but I'm afraid of it being used against me, as things have been used that way against me on Mumsnet before.

Keep talking, keep telling us how you feel. Don't let yourself get swamped with negative emotions. Keep the past in the past. It happened, you can't change that, but perhaps it needed to happen to ensure you got the help you need. Stop dwelling on it and turn it into something positive. One day you may be able to use that experience to help someone else going through the same thing. You are here for a purpose, you have life for a reason. Use it.

Lindenlass · 17/03/2009 09:12

Nab, I'm going through similar but not quite as bad as you I think. My counsellor tells me it's because life is good right now, my brain has the space to deal with the crap I've had in my life.

I'm so sorry you're in such a bad way - you do need to see this as a physical illness though. If you had a long-term physical illness you would have no problem asking for help and getting it treated - you need to see this the same way.

Good luck.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 17/03/2009 10:33

How you feeling this morning Nab??

Nabster · 17/03/2009 11:33

Have to go for DS2 now but will read these messages and be back soon.

Doctor rang me back at 11 this morning.

OP posts: