We all do stupid things that we regret.
I may have to ask for this to be deleted, we'll see. I've had periods of very bad depression too (I guess it runs in the family). The first thoughts I had of suicide was at school, I was being very badly bullied and contemplated taking pills to end it all. But I couldn't swallow them, I kept choking them all up.
I've been through periods of self-harm in an attempt to 'feel' better. At the time I think it was an attempt to punish myself for the bad person I perceived I was.
I once stood in the middle of a busy road in an attempt to get run over. Dh saved me. I have never ever told anyone that and now at home we never ever mention it. I still feel ashamed talking about it. This was a few years ago.
You must ask for help. Looking back now I shiver at what could have happened. How my dh would have struggled with his grief and had to look after the 2 kids on his own. How they would have been left motherless and traumatised. Can you imagine knowing that your mother killed herself? What effect would that have had on them? How could I have not loved them enough to want to stay here with them forever?
I've come a long way since then. I still get very bad periods of depression and I have to be careful. My mind doesn't think rationally, it doesn't weigh up arguments, it only feels and the feelings get too much to bear. But I have strategies now, people I know I can talk to.
I would recommend talking to your dh when you feel a little better, and telling him what you'd like from him during those times. Because I know that I tend to push dh away, when actually I need him near me, to reassure me, to love me. It's hard for him to do that when I'm physically pushing him away, but because we've had this chat, he knows what to do to calm me.
Be honest with those around you. The only way I was able to develop my strategies was by discussing them with professionals. They work out a plan that is best for you. You may need medical treatment first, perhaps ADs, just to get your mind to the state where you are able to accept ideas and implement them. But talk to these people, they really do know what they are doing and they have literally saved my life.
I hope this has helps. Print it off if you like, before I consider asking for it to be deleted! Not because I'm afraid of people who know me reading this, but I'm afraid of it being used against me, as things have been used that way against me on Mumsnet before.
Keep talking, keep telling us how you feel. Don't let yourself get swamped with negative emotions. Keep the past in the past. It happened, you can't change that, but perhaps it needed to happen to ensure you got the help you need. Stop dwelling on it and turn it into something positive. One day you may be able to use that experience to help someone else going through the same thing. You are here for a purpose, you have life for a reason. Use it.