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I crossed a line today and it has scared me but I also feel less scared

194 replies

Nabster · 15/03/2009 09:48

I am hiding in my room as the ILs have popped round.

I am scared to tell anyone as once I put it on here, everyone will know and I don't know if there is anyone on here who knows me in RL.

DH says I have to ring the Doctor tomorrow but I know I won't.

Not being deliberately annoying, just very scared.

OP posts:
mileniwmffalcon · 17/03/2009 12:44

so glad you've spoken to the psych nab. do let us know how things are going when you have a chance.

Nabster · 17/03/2009 12:47

Rhubarb - have printed your posts off now, thank you, if you want to delete.

The doctor doesn't think I will do anything stupid again. And I might be petty but I felt like saying, that's all right then. I would never have thought I would in the first place. She hasn't had time to talk to the person who will sort out my help but he is in the opposite office and she will do and then ring me some time this week.

I am keeping busy and tbh you guys are helping more than her as I feel she is very young and doesn't really understand. She read other medics assessements of me, barely asked me a thing, and then agreed with them.

Maybe I am being unfair.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 17/03/2009 13:24

It's ok nab, sod them!

You can ask for a different doctor if you feel yours doesn't really understand. I don't think anyone can say that you won't attempt it again - how the hell do they know?

You can refer yourself to a CPN. Ring up your local hospital and ask for the Mental Health Unit, explain that you are currently under GP care but have attempted suicide once and you feel it is important that you have help asap as you are afraid that the suicidal feelings have not gone away.

These people will also help you to get the best care and are there to listen should you ever feel the need to just talk.

If you are anything like me, you'll feel worse at night. The Samaritans are very experienced at listening to and talking to people feeling suicidal. You might not think that just a simple act such as talking, would make that much difference, but it does.

Don't be fobbed off by people who have no idea what you are going through. Only you can say how you feel, only you know how potentially serious it is. Don't be afraid to tell them everything, and I mean everything, because I've a feeling you are holding stuff back. You're not telling them all you should for fear of being judged or condemned. Trust me, they've heard it before, possibly a million times worse. If you have the guts to speak out, you'll get their respect, because they know how hard it is to admit to those feelings. My GP once said to me that she knew if someone was covering up and that was the most frustrating thing. She knew they desperately wanted to tell her everything, but something held them back, and without that information, she couldn't help them. You can't refer someone on a 'feeling' that something is wrong.

Be brave.

The worst thing I ever had to do was to tell someone, when I was 8 months pregnant, that I hated the baby, I thought I might harm it and in fact, I thought I may be possessed. I was expecting judgement, condemnation, shock. But I got none of them, instead I was met with understanding and concern.

Nabster · 17/03/2009 13:27

I am good at answering straight questions but can't always volunteet information. I have been met with blank looks so many times I just wonder what the point would be in trying to make them understand.

OP posts:
Nabster · 17/03/2009 13:29

Have just clicked on the link but I found the site confusing. Not sure what to click on first.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 17/03/2009 13:36

If that's the MIND one, click on the 'about mind' link to the left. It tells you what they do and there will be a phone number to the right of that page where you can speak to them in person.

Rhubarb · 17/03/2009 13:38

You also have a link to the left of the page 'mind in your area' which gives you details of your local branch and what's available there. You may be able to go along and speak to one of their counsellors.

Their info line is open Mon to Fri 9 till 5 on 0845 766 0163

Rhubarb · 17/03/2009 13:41

Nab. You tell it like it is from the beginning. So, a brief history - you say you had a bad upbringing, how has that affected you? What happened, briefly?
Then tell them about any other serious incidents where you have felt out of control.
Explain what happened leading up to your latest 'episode'. What triggered it? What exactly did you do? How were you feeling at the time? Go through the thoughts that were funning through your head.
How do you feel now? How regular are these setbacks? Do you have any support at home? Help with the children? How would you normally cope?
Now ask them how they can help you to cope.

Nabster · 17/03/2009 13:56

I am wondering whether I should wait until the doctor gets back to me to say what help I am going to get before I phone them. I can't ring them now as I haven't enough time before I have to do the school run.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 17/03/2009 15:00

Ok. Do your school run. Then when you get back, call MIND. They will give you advice on what they think you should do next.

Armed with their info and advice, you can call your GP back.

Nabster · 17/03/2009 16:14

I'm back.

Had to deal with DS1 pinging a hair bobble into DD's eye. She screamed, he got lines when he got home.

Put tea on, huge crash, DS1 had said there was something in his room that I wanted DD to get, she tried, shelf fell on her. Crying DD. At least DS1 has said he will tidy up.

I feel a bit disloyal ringing MIND as I only saw the psych doctor on Friday and she has said she will get back to me this week...

Have the nurse appointment tmw. All go here.

OP posts:
dittany · 17/03/2009 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarb · 17/03/2009 18:06

MIND will let you know what to expect from the psych doctor. They will help you to open up, they will ask all the right questions to get all the right answers. If you are unsure about anything the doc has told you, they are there to explain it.

It's not being disloyal, as dittany has said, it's there to support you WITH the GP and other services.

Nabster · 17/03/2009 18:22

I am thinking I will ring tomorrow and then I am thinking I don't want to make it any more real than it already is.

OP posts:
Nabster · 17/03/2009 19:50

What is going on?

When I think about you know what my breathing goes funny and I find it hard to breathe properly.

OP posts:
twoluvlykids · 17/03/2009 19:54

Nab, is you dh home? can he sort dcs while you ring MIND / Sams

twoluvlykids · 17/03/2009 19:54

your dh

Nabster · 17/03/2009 19:59

He is here. Kids in bed.

I really can't talk to anyone tonight.

I am going for a shower in a minute and then too bed as I am really tired.

OP posts:
twoluvlykids · 17/03/2009 20:03

sleep is probably the best thing to do, please take care of yourself.

dittany · 17/03/2009 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarb · 17/03/2009 20:54

When you force yourself to confront your fears, you have a panic attack. Hence the shallow breathing - no doubt you had clammy hands too and a sudden feeling of panic.

I understand you wanting to just hide away under your duvet and let the real world sort itself out, but unfortunately life isn't like that. You could be on the road to recovery 6 months from now, or you could be at the very same point, still panicking, still fearful, still down that black hole. It's up to you to decide where you want to be.

It's going to take courage and guts. But once you get that wheel rolling, you'll start to feel so much better. Firstly will come relief that you finally got it all out into the open and you are going to receive help. Think how good that will feel.

Then you'll start to understand yourself so much more. You'll understand why you feel this way and what triggers it off.

After that you'll learn how to deal with it. You'll start to heal.

It won't happen overnight, but if you start tomorrow, then 6 months from now you'll be in a much better place already.

You need to confront this thing, because if you don't, it will confront you, and you won't be ready for it. That might sound scary but it's true. This thing won't just go away by itself, it'll still be there, it'll always be there unless you confront it. Once you stand up to it, you have more or less won.

Please don't pretend that it doesn't exist, that's the worst thing you can do.

Nabster · 18/03/2009 07:23

The Doctor rang me last night to give me two phone numbers. I went to sleep a bit earlier than usual. This morning I woke up and I just wanted to try again. Being in bed really scared me. In the end I had to get up, as even though I tried to fight it, I was worried it would just get me.

2 kids going to school, one going to MIL and then I am going shopping. Need to keep busy. Thinking I am scared of bed now. Couldn't even bring myself to sit on it to put my socks on.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 18/03/2009 08:01

I don't understand why you are not ringing these numbers.

Nabster · 18/03/2009 08:10

I will ring when I get back. I can't do it when the kids are here.

OP posts:
mileniwmffalcon · 18/03/2009 08:40

these are emergency numbers is that right nab? please ring them when the kids have gone to school.

you've talked to us, that's the first step to getting the help you need, but you need to talk to the people who are there with you too. practice what to say with us. or if you really can't bring yourself to talk to them could you print out some of your posts for them to read?