Parents wont let me come home (temporarily)

[OhFFSMum]

Well - i say parents, I actually mean my dad (because im pretty sure my mum would let me stay there if she had any choice in it).

In the process of separating, will likely have to sell the family home to fund purchase of two separate properties.

At my parents tonight and having a lengthy conversation with my parents about my cousin who has just got divorced. My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time. He apparently just comes back once a fortnight to have his daughter (and stay in the expensive flat). My dad is saying how silly my cousins been as my uncle (dad's brother - father of cousin) had told my cousin he could stay with him and not have to rent the flat. I ask - if I need to come home temporarily at some stage (for example between our current house selling and me buying a new place) would i be able to? My dad immediately aggressively insists absolutely not, there's 'not a chance in hell' he wants me living there again, absolutely not! I was a bit shocked and said 'oh, well what will we (myself and 3 kids) do then?' He said you'll have to use your equity to rent somewhere wont you, or ask the council to put you up somewhere.... The atmosphere was a bit awkward after that so I said my goodbyes and left.

I am very close to my parents. I love them but my dad can be a difficult man at times. Believe me - I wouldn't want to have to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary and I really did only mean temporarily and only if no where else to go. Also my kids would likely be with their dad 50% of the time and i'd make myself scarce when they weren't with me (stay with friends / travel, etc). Im just really hurt that my dad thinks that way about me and that he'd sooner see me waste money on rent (VERY expensive in our area) than help me when I needed it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Sorry not sure what i want from this post really. Just venting.

aw, that must've been hard for you to hear x

What reason did he give?!

I think he is unkind but he can have his say on his own house. Just like you can decide how much support you want to give when he needs help.
Shane as that isn’t how things should go but I bet he’d expect you to help him if needed.

How mean of him.

Definitely say no to early airport runs or looking after the dogs.

Can you tell him you’re hurt he wouldn’t support you when you needed it?

Umm why won’t you say no? Too right you shouldn’t help the selfish twerp any more!

Can you ask your uncle?

Ouch! That's just an awful thing to say to you. I'm so sorry.

“Hi dad just so I’m clear. You think it’s silly for cousin to rent somewhere because he should just stay with uncle. Yet I asked if I might stay with my parents in the same situation so I can maximise my equity for finding a place for me and the children and you find that a crazy idea? Why?

I always drop things to help you and mum out with the dogs or airport runs so I’m very confused and hurt by your comments the other day”

I would be very upset if my parents said that to me! Moving back home would be a last resort but I like to think I will always be my DD’s soft landing should she fall on hide times and my DM would ultimately be mine (DF has passed away). I would personally distance myself and be less available to them for favours in the future. Because, first, as much as we may deny it, relationships are transactional. If they are not willing to hypothetically help you out why should you be willing to help them? And, second, your dad is free to say whatever he wants to you, but he is not free of the consequences of saying such hurtful stuff.

It’s fair for that to hurt. Even though you said you wouldn’t say no to them, I think it’s also fair to not do the kinds of things you were doing for them. As a single parent with three kids I wouldn’t be doing 5am airport runs to save them taxi fares.

Say this

Sorry have I understood correctly - you cousin is being silly for renting a flat instead of staying with his parents, but your Dad has said absolutely no way to you and your kids (his grandchildren) staying with him?

That seems harsh OP, although it sounds like the cousin wouldn't actually be at his parents very often, whereas you'd be at your parents with three children (what ages are they?) 50% of the time. So it is a bit different to your cousins situation. How much space do your parents have?

Anyway, that must hurt OP. I'm sorry.

As pp, he can say what he likes in his own home and can have who he wants living there. Just as you can decide who you will give early morning lifts to etc etc. I would find it difficult to get past this tbh.

I would be very upset if my parents said that to me! Moving back home would be a last resort but I like to think I will always be my DD’s soft landing should she fall on hide times and my DM would ultimately be mine (DF has passed away). I would personally distance myself and be less available to them for favours in the future. Because, first, as much as we may deny it, relationships are transactional. If they are not willing to hypothetically help you out why should you be willing to help them? And, second, your dad is free to say whatever he wants to you, but he is not free of the consequences of saying such hurtful stuff.

How horrible, not saying no as such but being that abrupt.
Oh well next time he needs an airport run he can pay a taxi, and boarding kennels along with that.

Has your father always been so unkind? Or is this a shocking change of personality?

I hope you have support that you can rely on elsewhere. It sounds really rough.

this is great

I'd send it IN WRITING to your mum and dad on the family WA. And keep circling back for a reply dont let him dodge it.

And after the deeply "hurt and confused" id add that this is one of the hardest times in your life. (Divorce is crippling even if it was a long time coming)

Your dad sounds at best crashing insensitive and thoughtless as well as a massive hypocrite

Is there some reason? Like your kids misbehave/are a risk for health reasons, say if he's got a medical condition and they jump all over him/scream? Or is he angry with you for the divorce? I would ask for his reasons, pointing out all you do for him, and if the reason is something like this, see if a compromise can be reached if he's concerned about the kids, and if he doesn't understand or blames you unfairly for the divorce, talk it through. Does he think you'd end up staying ages, or something?
If he refuses, it's your mum's house too, so ask her. I wouldn't punish the poor dogs by refusing to have them, but refusing to do everything else is fine. Am guessing from your post they don't help you with childcare etc?

Just a thought but can you get a mesher order where the home can’t be sold until the youngest is 18? My DD has just got one

That is indeed very hurtful.
How was your childhood?
I know a couple of people who have had such traumatic upbringings, despite it being on the surface a normal childhood, that they would never consider asking to stay, because they know it would never be possible/pleasant.
Like you I would assume that my parents would always support me, and I think that unconditional love should be the default, but sadly it clearly isn't for everyone. I have spoken to people who say they cannot remember a single happy memory about either parent, ever 😞.

I'm sorry he's so uncaring. Personally I'd be tempted to ask the cousin and/or the cousin (if you could arrange it to not be they're when he needs to be there with his kids). The uncle seems to understand the concept of family more. And it would also amuse me no end to tell your father that he needn't worry because uncle/ cousin have stepped up

Unfortunately they live at the other end of the country (and I havent spoken to them in about ten years lol) so that's not an option. Would indeed be quite funny if I could do that though

Oh that’s horrible. I’m so sorry. I don’t understand how parents can be like that, but I know many are.

My dad died when I was 44, but he would have had my whole family living with him in his one bed house in a heartbeat if needed until the day he died. My in laws are the same. My adult child knows he has a home with me when ever it’s needed until I take my last breath too.

I’m so sorry you father has been so hurtful.

I’m only 58 so I don’t have grandchildren but, honestly, I can’t imagine much worse than one of my offspring retuning home with their THREE children. The disruption it would bring, the noise and chaos would be much more than I could cope with.

Even if it were temporary, you’re talking months, not weeks. it would be utterly exhausting for them.

I suspect it was a knee jerk reaction and he didn’t mean to be quite so I forceful. But it’s a hell of an ask

That’s a weird opener, 58 is quite old enough to have grandchildren.

Yep - I am 47 and my son is 25. I could easily be a grandmother by 58!