Parents wont let me come home (temporarily)

[OhFFSMum]

Well - i say parents, I actually mean my dad (because im pretty sure my mum would let me stay there if she had any choice in it).

In the process of separating, will likely have to sell the family home to fund purchase of two separate properties.

At my parents tonight and having a lengthy conversation with my parents about my cousin who has just got divorced. My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time. He apparently just comes back once a fortnight to have his daughter (and stay in the expensive flat). My dad is saying how silly my cousins been as my uncle (dad's brother - father of cousin) had told my cousin he could stay with him and not have to rent the flat. I ask - if I need to come home temporarily at some stage (for example between our current house selling and me buying a new place) would i be able to? My dad immediately aggressively insists absolutely not, there's 'not a chance in hell' he wants me living there again, absolutely not! I was a bit shocked and said 'oh, well what will we (myself and 3 kids) do then?' He said you'll have to use your equity to rent somewhere wont you, or ask the council to put you up somewhere.... The atmosphere was a bit awkward after that so I said my goodbyes and left.

I am very close to my parents. I love them but my dad can be a difficult man at times. Believe me - I wouldn't want to have to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary and I really did only mean temporarily and only if no where else to go. Also my kids would likely be with their dad 50% of the time and i'd make myself scarce when they weren't with me (stay with friends / travel, etc). Im just really hurt that my dad thinks that way about me and that he'd sooner see me waste money on rent (VERY expensive in our area) than help me when I needed it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Sorry not sure what i want from this post really. Just venting.

Your dad’s response was very hurtful but he’s probably thinking the worst case scenario that houses can take a long time to sell and with four extra people in the how would be more than he could cope with. You said he’s grumpy so he would be unbearable to live with if you could move in. I feel for your mum as she must be feeling so guilty that she can’t have you move in and has to placate and absorb your father’s moods. She’s desperate to keep the peace, soften the blow your father’s words had on you but your father expects life to revolve around his comfort and moods and she knows how bad he can make life for anyone who upsets his routine. I should imagine she has spent her whole married life appeasing him and his true nature only becomes apparent when you need more than advice/ loan or a small favour.

How big is their house? If it’s got enough bedrooms to accommodate you all then I’d say it was a pretty mean thing to say. But if they literally have just a box room spare, then I can imagine it would be difficult, even though he could have worded it with a bit more empathy.

I would absolutely stop the favours and when they ask why say you can't afford the petrol because of saving up/paying for rent.

In that case you're asking for a bridge rather than to move in, as such. That's much easier to accommodate but best to have a time period in mind for everyone.

Hopefully it was just a knee jerk reaction on his part and he doesn't mean it.

Aww, I am sorry OP, that must've hurt. My parents when they moved refused to give us kids a key until they got a bit older and in need that is. They did make it clear once we left home though that was it, no going back. I wonder if your dad will change his tune when he needs that little bit of help in his old age.

Let's hope it was just stress of it all changing (divorce) talking, or your dad being his normal difficult self.

At 58 (as per that pp) most people are still fit, healthy and working - and capable of dealing with a temporary upheaval in their lives. It's not forever, and if your own family can't work to accommodate you for a short period in a time of need then it's very disappointing.

You have my sympathies OP. My own dad was similar. Made it very clear that once DSis and I left home he did not want us back under any circumstances. We weren't allowed to visit as once we had our own families so he decided that the children were too unruly (they absolutely were not, they weren't allowed to be, he just didn't want us there) snd he didn't want to risk them breaking his TV (🤷‍♀️) Mum had to travel on the train to visit us, a trip of about 4-5 hours each way instead. I have nothing but contempt for the man. He died a few years ago and I feel nothing for him.

Can see why you're hurt, but if he's short-tempered with the DC on visits, it would probably be a very stressful time for you if you did stay there.
I can't see any reason why you can't just be part of the chain? Move straight from the marital home into a new place - I know if your exH does the same thing it'll cause the chain to split, and make it complicated, but it can be done. Maybe the extra bit of stress in co-ordinating dates at the time of moving is worth it to save so much money. Maybe your ex will be happy to rent/find a place to stay, so just you are part of the chain. Try to find a new place with no ongoing chain to keep things as simple as possible - eg a new build. If you have a choice of buyers for the marital home, prioritise a buyer who is chain-free. Buying/moving house is always stressful as fuck anyway!
Don't take it personally, I expect your Dad was just thinking about the mess & stress of having primary age DC there 24/7.

They have a big four bedroom house. 2 big empty double rooms and a smaller room!

I don't know why you are being told it's practically impossible to sell one house and buy two, it only involves your solicitor making one additional payment on completion day. Two sets of conveyancing have to be done for the purchases obviously but as far as the sale is concerned, the solicitor sends half the proceeds in one direction and half in another. Each house purchase is contingent on the sale of the marital home, which is standard. Your biggest issue would be having to pack up and leave on the same day as your ex, which will probably be very stressful. Good luck.
In regards to what your Dad said, I'd hope it was a knee jerk reaction of 'oh no, 2 primary kids full time, horror' rather than his actual position if push came to shove. Definitely hurtful though.

Gosh that sounds so hurtful, especially as you have a good relationship with him usually. To be honest I’m sick of men getting to a certain age and thinking they can just act how they want and say what they want without any consequences. He’s entitled to feel how he feels but his behaviour comes with consequences. You don’t need to be at his beck and call OP because he’s made it clear that in a time of need he wouldn’t repay the same favour.

I would be telling him that you are very hurt by this and that if he can’t cope with a bit of inconvenience to help his daughter and grandkids he needs to consider whether his daughter should be willing to inconvenience herself dog sitting in future.

I‘m sorry to hear that - it must have been hard. What did your Mum say? What’s the dynamic between your parents? May I ask what your cultural background is like?

Same. My dad actually said to me "this will always be your home" when I was an adult.

Wow. Staggered by this.

When we sold our home 21 years ago in the SE, I went to live at my PiLs in the Midlands (with my 4mo child) for nearly 5m. I didn’t even have my DH with me other than weekends because his job was in SE - we had a nightmare buyer and then got stuck in a chain of absolute wassocks who spent MONTHS bickering over whether the completion date should be a Monday or a Thursday.

PILs could not have been kinder, more welcoming, more supportive. I had a tricky and dysfunctional home life and was literally kicked out by my mum at 18/19 when I went to uni and could not pay rent for my room, so their generosity still amazes me… but if you have a GOOD relationship with parents, I cannot understand how they would see their child and grandchildren without a safe base during a divorce/house sale.

Sorry, but what an arsehole OP’s dad is.

Can you stay in cousins flat or uncle?
or (if ok with ex) can you do nesting until the home is sold, so the kids stay in their home and the parents take turns being with kids or staying elsewhere (would be easier for parents perhaps or a friend to put up just you- I’d really struggle with a friend and THREE children!)

Does he realise that you were only talking about a few weeks? The speed and forcefulness of his reply might have been panic at the thought of for extra perks on his home for months. Maybe he didn't take in the detail of your question.

I adore my kids and grandkids and love having them visit and sleepover in what now feels like a very empty house. I'd take them in without hesitation, but would absolutely need my space, and would probably find myself going away for a week every so often and leaving them to it.

It's not easy for three generations to live together when they've been used to their independence, and each having their own house rules and parenting/grandparenting rules, even if you all love each other deeply.

My ex bought me out so only I had to move. I didnt want the house as it was a money pit.
When I had to move again cross country for work that was a nightmare. I sold the original house and I rented a holiday cabin for 3 months while my new house purchase went through. You can get some really cheap ones in not such great areas. They are short term lets.
I guess what you could do is whoever moves first has the kids while the other one gets a short term rental and buys a house.

I'm so sorry you had that from your dad. I'd hope your mum has had a word with him about what a complete prat he is. Even if he didn't want you all there, there are kinder ways to express that!!

I would absolutely withdraw any support though - you can tell him "you can use your equity for a taxi, or ask the dog warden to put them up"

I think it's too much to ask that your parents accommodate 4 people if you have other options. I get that you dont want to spend some of your equity money on temporary rent, but who does ? You will be spending it on a deposit and mortgage soon enough - so really its not fair to ask for a free living period when you do actually have resources to cover yourself. Particularly when its not just you but also a large amount of time with 3 extra little ones.
I think your Dad is right to say no, but he could have done it more gently.

Very hurtful.
I also think you should make it very very clear how hurtful it is.

If they were to offer you space, of course you would need to make it very clear to your children that they need to be quieter and respectful.
What age are they that they are so noisy?
Perhaps you should work on that now?

Hopefully it will work out for you.

I think there comes a time when you can reasonably be expected to behave like a full adult - dealing with the (in this case relatively small) ups and downs of life. That includes renting for 6 months if you need to (and let's face it, it could end up being a year or more). You're not "lining a landlord's pockets", you're paying for accommodation for yourself and your dependents. Like everyone else does, very many of them on a rental basis. With a teenage DC you're very definitely at that age! It seems strange to me to assume that your parents should relieve you of that burden. Perhaps your father was frustrated by the way that you jumped to the assumption that if you had a problem you could offload it onto him and your mum. And an adult and 3 children staying with them, for an indefinite and quite possibly lengthy period of time, is completely different from you giving him an occasional lift to the airport (which you would no doubt say no to if you had an appointment that day, or were ill). Some grandparents would welcome DD and grandchildren staying with them, because they'd find it fun or whatever, and others would find it very difficult, so I wouldn't judge your father because he would find it difficult.

If the children's father can stay with his parents for a short time, you could try to complete on one purchase and sale on the same date, and he could have his a little later. The person with the most physical flexibility should be the most flexible.

I've said the same to my adult DC - they know that if they ever need a home to come to, it's here if they want. I can't imagine shutting the door on them.

I would really struggle to have my daughter and 3 kids staying. I’d struggle with the noise and mess. @OhFFSMumdo you work? Why would you be using your equity to rent ?

OP, you are getting yourself in a real tizzy over a hypothetical which may never happen.

Personally, I’d just wait and see what happens with the house move. If you need to stay at your parents (and TBH I’d rather rent for 6 months or use Air BnB for a few weeks) then you ask and find out if your dad really meant what he said.

If he refused to house you for a while or refuses any other help that you may need, then stop doing favours for him and let him know why.