Parents wont let me come home (temporarily)

[OhFFSMum]

Well - i say parents, I actually mean my dad (because im pretty sure my mum would let me stay there if she had any choice in it).

In the process of separating, will likely have to sell the family home to fund purchase of two separate properties.

At my parents tonight and having a lengthy conversation with my parents about my cousin who has just got divorced. My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time. He apparently just comes back once a fortnight to have his daughter (and stay in the expensive flat). My dad is saying how silly my cousins been as my uncle (dad's brother - father of cousin) had told my cousin he could stay with him and not have to rent the flat. I ask - if I need to come home temporarily at some stage (for example between our current house selling and me buying a new place) would i be able to? My dad immediately aggressively insists absolutely not, there's 'not a chance in hell' he wants me living there again, absolutely not! I was a bit shocked and said 'oh, well what will we (myself and 3 kids) do then?' He said you'll have to use your equity to rent somewhere wont you, or ask the council to put you up somewhere.... The atmosphere was a bit awkward after that so I said my goodbyes and left.

I am very close to my parents. I love them but my dad can be a difficult man at times. Believe me - I wouldn't want to have to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary and I really did only mean temporarily and only if no where else to go. Also my kids would likely be with their dad 50% of the time and i'd make myself scarce when they weren't with me (stay with friends / travel, etc). Im just really hurt that my dad thinks that way about me and that he'd sooner see me waste money on rent (VERY expensive in our area) than help me when I needed it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Sorry not sure what i want from this post really. Just venting.

I don't have any useful advice @OhFFSMum, but I understand your hurt and surprise. I can't imagine ever not wanting to give my children a soft place to land should they need it, and I know my parents would do the same for me (or my kids) if necessary.

Hopefully it was just some initial weird reaction and not something he genuinely feels.

FFS don't go for "tit for tat". How would you feel if your parents said they needed to stay with you and the children for a year, maybe more, not because they were in dire need, but to save themselves some money? It's not exactly giving someone a lift to the airport, is it?

To be fair, it would be a massive upheaval to take in your adult daughter and her children. And 'temporary' while a property sells and a new is purchased is not really a short space of time. We're not talking a few weeks.

Doing some favours like airport lifts and dog minding doesn't really equate to 'move 4 people into our home with us for an unknown amount of time'!

why wouldn't you say to your dad that this hurts, that you thought it was a two way street and you help out with the dog and taking them to the airport and thought you'd be helped out for a few weeks whilst buying a house? Be truthful and say I wont stop doing those things for you regardless but I had thought differently. It would be really helpful if you could have a think about telling me your thoughts on this

perhaps the cousin can help out for a few weeks with the empty apartment?

If you do need to rent for a short period can you rent a smaller property with just say two bedrrom to house the kids and you sleep in the living room until you get another property to move into? Defintely not ideal I know but would pull the costs down a little for you. On the parent front I know how hard it is to be let down when you need a little help as my mum would be exactly the same as your dad.

I think this is really sad. I've made sure to keep my 3-bed house in case any of the children need to come back in the future and have even thought I'd get a sofa bed for downstairs (3 kids) if needed. Saying that though - I really hope they don't need to! 😉
Though my ex downsized to a 2 bedroom flat - so he obviously thought differently!

@OhFFSMum Just stopping by to say I totally understand how you feel. During my break up with my 1st husband he got abusive 1 night. I took our 2 children (about 1 and 2) to stay at my parents and after 3 days they took us back to my home. Where my abusive ex was, stating "it's tine to go home". I was devastated and things have never been the same between us since, if I'm honest.

Whilst most people can understand it's quite massive upheaval having children and grandchildren around, it's hurtful to think they don't want you there at all.

And sometimes as parents, we do things that are upheavals. I honestly can't imagine shutting the door in my daughter and granddaughter's faces because their presence would be a temporary upheaval for me. If you can, then to each their own.

I just offered to have my dd & 3 kids to stay while they are having a new kitchen & bathroom put in.
I know it will be crazy & I will definitely be frazzled, but not offering wasn't a thought.
I don't have anyone else to consider though, except neighbours (😂)
I hope you're able to move into a new place without a rental stop gap.

I really don't think that "I've taken you to the airport a couple of times so you need to host a family of 4 for maybe a year" would go down well.
We have no reason to believe that the father would refuse help if the OP was in dire need. But she isn't. She just doesn't want to pay for rent in exchange for accommodation. Do all adults who rent (with families of their own) go to their parents and ask to be put up free of charge so they can avoid paying rent?
That's what this is, surely? OP likes paying into a mortgage rather than renting. So would most people. That doesn't mean that they feel entitled to stay rent free with their parents for long and indefinite periods of time. They get on with adulting and pay rent in exchange for accommodation.

And obviously you wouldn't be "coming home", OP. Your parents' house stopped being your home a long time ago. It's their home.

Lol u do make it sound ever so trivial dont you 'save some money' ... like its a fiver or something. It would be THOUSANDS of £ and the difference between me being able to afford a home, and not afford a home. Thats a significant reason to ask for his (temporary) help, not me being a greedy cow.

I would have my parents stay at mine for whatever reason they needed to. Absolutely.

I have no intention of doing anything tit for tat. Think ive made that clear in previous updates

We've now reached the point in the mumsnet answers where people start to pick holes in the smallest detail havent we.

To be fair OP you didn't make it clear in your posts that having to take a rental will make the difference between being able to afford to buy and not being able to buy.
Are you sure your Dad is fully aware of this ?
Your initial post just suggested you didn't want to "waste" money on rent. Which is understandable, but quite different from what you have now said about being unable to buy if they didn't help ?

Yes strange. 58 is very normal to be a grandparent. I’m not a gp yet either but I’d do it in a heartbeat. My kids (and their families when they have them) are the most important thing to me. No wonder so many people end up old and lonely.

People say they’re going home all the time when they mean they’re visiting their parents, even if they left 30 year’s ago, so it’s a very common term, surely you know that?

I think you need to start your own thread about this 😊

Oh god! Thought i had..🤣

Step back a little- they have to be brought to the realisation that if they won't help you then you can't be expected to help them. When they next ask for the dogs to be looked after or dropping off at the airport point out that they wouldn't help you out so you are not minded to help them.

it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Why? It works both ways. If you struggle and your parents refuse to help, it'll sour your relationship anyway.

Id get in there first tbh. Tell them not to ask as you now know where you stand. Even if it's just something for them to think about, theyre within their rights to say no but the delivery needs a bit of work so you don't feel like you've been slapped.

Sounds like they'd happily have the older one staying with them, and they may be willing to keep things in storage for you. You could rent a 2 bed to make things slightly cheaper? The younger two can share a room for a bit. Look at longer term Airbnb rental rather than one with a minimum 2 month notice period. I know a few people who rented through Airbnb while waiting to buy.

Do start saying no to dogs and early airport trips, they don't get to treat you like a skivvy. Stand up to angry men, even if it's your dad.

Great way to torpedo a good relationship. If OP's father needs any more reason to think his adult daughter, probably in her forties, is entitled, he'll get it then, won't he?
"Daughter, would you mind looking after the dog for 2 days while we're away / while dad's in hospital for his operation? I know how much you and the children love the dog."
"Tell you what, mum, if you agree to put me and my 3 children up for a year rent free 'cause I don't like spending my salary (and home-cooked meals would be nice too, cheers), I'll offer you one weekend's board for the dog, plus one lift to the airport. Deal?"

Right now it’s hypothetical, if it came to the crunch and you needed somewhere to live and his response remains the same (and they have space) then I find it very mean spirited.

I hope you remember your willingness to have your parents living with you, as in later life they may need to take you up on that.
If you are literally not able to buy a house unless you live with your parents for months, then why not explain that to your parents, and ask them to lend you the money, if they can afford to do that? Your dad would probably prefer that. And looking after dogs and lifts to the airport probably equate to your parents inviting your family round for Sunday lunch and doing occasional babysitting. Do your parents refuse to do those things? Unless they do, you should keep going with the lifts and occasional doggy care.