Parents wont let me come home (temporarily)

[OhFFSMum]

Well - i say parents, I actually mean my dad (because im pretty sure my mum would let me stay there if she had any choice in it).

In the process of separating, will likely have to sell the family home to fund purchase of two separate properties.

At my parents tonight and having a lengthy conversation with my parents about my cousin who has just got divorced. My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time. He apparently just comes back once a fortnight to have his daughter (and stay in the expensive flat). My dad is saying how silly my cousins been as my uncle (dad's brother - father of cousin) had told my cousin he could stay with him and not have to rent the flat. I ask - if I need to come home temporarily at some stage (for example between our current house selling and me buying a new place) would i be able to? My dad immediately aggressively insists absolutely not, there's 'not a chance in hell' he wants me living there again, absolutely not! I was a bit shocked and said 'oh, well what will we (myself and 3 kids) do then?' He said you'll have to use your equity to rent somewhere wont you, or ask the council to put you up somewhere.... The atmosphere was a bit awkward after that so I said my goodbyes and left.

I am very close to my parents. I love them but my dad can be a difficult man at times. Believe me - I wouldn't want to have to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary and I really did only mean temporarily and only if no where else to go. Also my kids would likely be with their dad 50% of the time and i'd make myself scarce when they weren't with me (stay with friends / travel, etc). Im just really hurt that my dad thinks that way about me and that he'd sooner see me waste money on rent (VERY expensive in our area) than help me when I needed it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Sorry not sure what i want from this post really. Just venting.

Aww why should the poor dogs suffer? I’m sure OP wouldn’t see them in kennels or with someone they don’t know . Agree OP that was very unkind of him but do you really think if push came to shove he’d see you homeless

Get legal advice about staying in the family home . Your dad reacted like he did because its a huge ask...he's older with less energy etc and has a generally good relationship with you. Yes he could have worded it better. I would tell him he hurt me though and you've had some really good suggestions as to how to do that here. I think I would be making myself less available too.

It's not solely your responsibility to house the children. Your ex has to stump up too. Is he moving back with his parents? Refuse to complete on your sale until you have your own purchase ready to go.

@OhFFSMum

This.

I'm really sorry - I 🤔 that is so unkind. My child is now 36 but if they needed to come home at any time it would be no problem. I'm here for them whatever. I know that they'd only come back in an emergency and would pay their way if they could - which I am sure is the same for you. Your father ought to consider that sooner rather than later he may need your support and how would he feel if your response was NO?

Yes it’s really shitty of him but I’m confused. Why would you need to rent somewhere ? Surely if the marital home is being sold to fund two smaller homes, then you complete your purchase in the normal way . Sell family home, simultaneously exchange contracts on sale whilst also exchanging on both purchases . You then move into the new house on completion. Why is rental even a thing ?

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like my parents. My parents made it clear to me when I left at 18 that I couldn't come back. I said well what if I was going to be street homeless? They reluctantly agreed that would be different

The cousin thing is a complete red herring. The cousin spends most of his time abroad, where his job is, and pays for a flat in the UK full time so he can have what sounds like one weekend every 2 weeks with his 1 DC. But OP would be living in her parents' house full time, with 3 children.
OP: "My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time."

FFS, it's not about an 18 year old coming back for a while. This is a woman in her forties with 3 children. And a woman who can probably afford to rent for a few months, but would rather save the money. And she didn't even bother to have a respectful sit-down conversation with her parents - she has just got overwrought because her elderly father didn't immediately say he'd be thrilled to have 4 people living with him for an indefinite period.

The OP has already told us that she's very close to her parents, and that her mother always says yes to anything OP asks her to do. Also that they have the teenager round all the time. This is not exactly a dysfunctional family, is it? It would also be interesting and relevant to know what the OP's parents do for her and her children. Because I'm betting it's a lot more than occasional doggie care or a lift to the airport.

I’m so sorry, that’s very cold. Do they ever visit and stay with you?

Your dad’s reaction was a shock. I am not surprised that you are hurt.

I have two daughters, they are young unmarried adults. If they were in your situation sometime in the future, I would want them to come home and feel the security of knowing that they were wanted and could come home.

I am sorry that you don’t have that right now.

Your parents are being given a very hard time on here, OP. And they can't give their version of things. To make this more even-handed, could you list all the things that your parents have done for you or any of your children over the last 6 months? That will give us a much better idea of the family dynamic.

Give it a rest @Perfidiousalbionn . You've made up stuff and jumped to conclusions. You've obviously got some kind of agenda, and have had previous posts deleted for attacking the OP.

You've chased her off her own Thread, what an achievement.

It's actually other people who are making things up - making out that these are terrible parents, and that the cousin was someone in the same situation as the OP (completely untrue) and constantly urging the OP to stop doing little things for her parents (although she's said a couple of times that she doesn't want to do that).

Mumsnet isn't just here for us to affirm posters. It's meant to be a discussion forum. If OP followed the advice of most people on this thread, she'd be a small step away from no contact by now, despite having told us that she and her parents are very close and that her mother at least does everything the OP asks her to.

@Perfidiousalbionn are you estranged from your children? Is everything okay in your relationships?

Pathetic tactic of trying to blame the poster rather than just looking at the facts as provided by the OP. The OP has said that the cousin has a permanent home abroad and rents an expensive flat in the UK just so that he can spend one weekend a fortnight with his one child. His parent has offered to put him and the one child up for one weekend a fortnight, so he doesn't have to rent a flat. Everyone is comparing that to the OP's situation, which is in fact completely different. Accommodating one adult and three children full time as against accommodating one adult and one child for two days a fortnight.

And why not look at all the people who tell us that they have a terrible relationship with their parents and urge the OP to refuse to help their parents out in future, something the OP has told us she does not want to do. The relationship they have with their parents is clearly nothing like the close relationship the OP has with hers. They are shit stirring.

Someone who hold rather strident views and states them in a rather confrontational and disparaging way is often doing that because they're subconsciously drawing on their own negative experiences and expressing their anger towards others in their past.

Other posters are shit stirring? That's rich coming from you! You're the one who has driven OP off her own thread and you have had numerous posts deleted for personal attacks on OP.

All I have suggested to the OP is that she asks to have a sit-down meeting with her parents and then calmly explains the facts of her financial situation and asks them whether they can help her out, and how.
If she had done this in the first place, the parents would have been prepared for the discussion, which would have avoided OP's father being put on the spot with an unexpected request that he be prepared to accommodate the OP and her 3 children for an indefinite period of time. It's almost certainly because he was put on the spot - it came out of the blue - that he reacted as he did.

Advance warning of the discussion and an honest explanation of just how bad OP's finances are (assuming of course that they really are as bad as she has told us) would very probably have resulted in a different response. It might of course not have been exactly what OP wanted - for instance her parents might have offered accommodation but with a time limit attached, or might have offered a loan instead of accommodation.

I've also suggested that OP stop feeling aggrieved over her cousin being offered better treatment, when her cousin's situation is vastly different from her own. Many parents would be delighted to host their son (who they don't see very often because he lives abroad) and his child for 2 days a fortnight, while the same parents might well not want to host their adult child with 3 children full time for an indefinite period.

All of this is good, sensible advice which takes into account the reality of the situation. Unfortunately many other posters are comparing OP's parents (OP tells us she is very close to her parents and her mum will do anything for her) to their own parents who threw them out of the house when they were 17, etc. And apparently, no matter how close to your parents you are and how much they do for you, if they say no to this, you must refuse to give them a lift to the airport ever again. The OP has said, very clearly and at least twice, that she doesn't want to refuse to do the little things that she does for her parents. But she is repeatedly being told to "stop the favours".

Perhaps OP has left the thread because she's acting on my advice and discussing things with her parents. I hope so, for her sake. Or perhaps she's left the thread because poster after poster is telling her that her parents are terrible and that she should refuse to do anything for them in the future (despite the fact that OP is clearly fond of her parents, who clearly do a lot for her, and has rejected that advice).

I will leave it there, as there's really nothing else to say.

Is it hell all you've suggested.

But you're right - you should leave it there.

Wow that is mean. My DH was difficult in a different way but there's no way he'd want me to waste money on rent and would actively encourage me to stay with them if I really needed to (temporarily). Sorry OP.

I am 61 and have zero interest in grandchildren, and my husband certainly doesn't, but we would never see our children stuck, much less a divorcing daughter with 3 children, trying to buy a new home.
Absolutely not.
This needs challenging.
I would be a lot less available if he forced the issue.

Yes I'm thinking this as well....