Parents wont let me come home (temporarily)

[OhFFSMum]

Well - i say parents, I actually mean my dad (because im pretty sure my mum would let me stay there if she had any choice in it).

In the process of separating, will likely have to sell the family home to fund purchase of two separate properties.

At my parents tonight and having a lengthy conversation with my parents about my cousin who has just got divorced. My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time. He apparently just comes back once a fortnight to have his daughter (and stay in the expensive flat). My dad is saying how silly my cousins been as my uncle (dad's brother - father of cousin) had told my cousin he could stay with him and not have to rent the flat. I ask - if I need to come home temporarily at some stage (for example between our current house selling and me buying a new place) would i be able to? My dad immediately aggressively insists absolutely not, there's 'not a chance in hell' he wants me living there again, absolutely not! I was a bit shocked and said 'oh, well what will we (myself and 3 kids) do then?' He said you'll have to use your equity to rent somewhere wont you, or ask the council to put you up somewhere.... The atmosphere was a bit awkward after that so I said my goodbyes and left.

I am very close to my parents. I love them but my dad can be a difficult man at times. Believe me - I wouldn't want to have to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary and I really did only mean temporarily and only if no where else to go. Also my kids would likely be with their dad 50% of the time and i'd make myself scarce when they weren't with me (stay with friends / travel, etc). Im just really hurt that my dad thinks that way about me and that he'd sooner see me waste money on rent (VERY expensive in our area) than help me when I needed it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Sorry not sure what i want from this post really. Just venting.

How would you feel if your parents wanted to move in with you? Not a chance in hell my parents are moving in with me, so I guess if they feel the same way about me moving in, especially with kids in tow, I can't complain.

I’d consider this how he wants your relationship to be for the rest of his life.
no care for him
no support for him other then emotional
no looking after or helping

family helps each other when tough times happen. He doesn’t sound like family.

reminds me of my own, and when their hand outstretched in old age, it was very easy to say no.

I couldn’t imagine not supporting my children through a divorce. It’s cruel.

Honestly wanting to turn up at your parents with three kids is an absolutely huge ask. You cannot expect them to take that on. Sure, he could have phrased it more tactfully but it sounds like he felt ambushed and anxious and that's why he responded how he did. Maybe your cousin doesn't have kids? Divorce is a scary time and if there is a risk of homelessness at some point you should start planning for it now - it's your responsibility to house your own children, not your parents'.

This.

Perhaps tell him that due to having viewings on the family home or rental conditions, you won't be able to commit to having the dogs any more. And that you can't be frittering money away on petrol when you have rent to cover.

I am with some of the.PP...staying with them would be a huge ask... especially as it seems your attitude to it would be a necessary evil to save money...rather than something that would bring ant support, love, assistance during a tricky time. Just £. I am not sure I am surprised he is not keen. But he could have worded/reacted better.

Honestly I agree with this. I’d think he was very unkind if it’s just you but I totally understand not wanting 3 children moving in at their age

Your Dad is being awful. He also clearly has no understanding of the housing market. Rents are hard to find and expensive and even if the council did offer you anything, it’s likely to be emergenc y accommodation, so a bnb or similar

I can’t imagine not helping my kids. My home is always a home if they need it. It shows a false understanding of family to think a quieter home is more important than helping your kids at a difficult time in their life.

I would stop doing favours for your Dad. Relationships are reciprocal.

Agree. There's also a huge difference between wanting to move in to save rent money, when you are capable of being in your own home, and needing to come in a crisis.

perhaps there is something going on, he is feeling old for instance. or has some health issues he is worried about

i wouldnt stop doing favours though

I’d be hurt too. I had to move home with my dd when she was one. I lived there 6 months while we saved / purchased a house and it helped me so much.
At least you know and can factor that in to your decision making. And I would be a bit more careful about the favours you do for them now you know it’s not reciprocated.

I hate this ‘it’s just money’ attitude. It’s never ‘just money’. It’s what you need to survive and provide for your kids.

OP is moving from a two to a one person income, buying a house is hugely expensive and so is keeping a family on one income. Of course she doesn’t want to spend money she doesn’t have to. It can make the difference between being able to buy a suitable house or not. It can make the difference between having an emergency fund or not.

And it may surprise people to hear that in a competitive market, a single parent with three kids looking for a short term let is not an attractive tenant for landlords. It could be very hard for her to find somewhere to rent.

This!
Crikey 4 extra people moving in is a huge ask
Stating what will we do then is a bit PA @OhFFSMum

You are an adult with 3 children, its your responsibility not your DP

Much as I sympathise with you, there is a big difference between your cousin staying every fortnight with one child and you staying full-time and with three children 50% of the time.

Honestly @Bridgertonisbest what does family mean to you? Because to me it means love and to love someone you put yourself out to help them at times, and they do the same for you. I may not want my child and their children living with me, but temporarily whilst their whole lives are shook up and to save them pouring 13k down the drain, ofc I'd have them. Because that's what you do for family.
@OhFFSMum I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Your dad sounds exceptionally selfish and frankly I think your mum should be ashamed of herself for not standing up and having your back here. Might I suggest that you stop being quite so willing to help them as they clearly won't help you and it should be reciprocal

I’m not sure your and the cousins situations are comparable though. He has one kid every few weeks. You have three with 50:50. Could the house accommodated 4 extra bodies? How old are your parents could they cope with all the kids. It’s very different than if you were asking to just move yourself in.

Some men get like this as they get older. Pretty grumpy, cantankerous and controlling. There isnt much you can you do and tit for tat won't make it better. He's a good dad by the sounds, just chalk to up to him being a grumpy old bastard who I am sure didn't deliberately mean to really hurt your feeling.

OK< so while they get sorted they can stay, for the short term. I'd rather help them by going guarantor for the rent or providing a security deposit, or something. We rented for years and didn't consider it beneath us. It's just what you do if you can't buy a house at that moment. Of course if there was an emergency that they couldn't afford I'd want to help with that.

Not necessarily saying she should or shouldn’t stop with the favours - but she wouldn’t be punishing the dogs if she did refuse to look after them.

Presumably her parents are responsible dog owners and would find someone else suitable to look after them.

And if they couldn’t, they’d just have to cancel their trip but that would affect them not the dogs.

That must have been very hard to hear @OhFFSMum . The one thing my father (who was not winning any Father of the Year awards, believe me) was always crystal clear about was that, if I ever needed to, no matter what, I could always come home.

I don't think that kind of declaration is something I could easily get over. But now you know where you stand.

I absolutely couldn't cope if my AC & GC moved back in with me. My sleep would be totally disrupted, the house would be complete chaos. I'm younger than OP's father and the thought of FOUR extra people in my home gives me palpitations.

If it were just my AC, OK. Or if I had to take in one GC, fair enough. But a large family????? No. It just isn't doable.

Then you can't have a close relationship with your parents.Myself and my parents plus my children would have each other's backs.I even had my brother with me for a while.
OP speak to your mum perhaps be brave and mention things they may need from you in the future like care , dog walking.

Will you not send him a message though?

At the very least I would cool off the visits a bit including the teenager.

How charitable of you. I can’t imagine not doing it for one of my children in need one day if I had the space.