Parents wont let me come home (temporarily)

[OhFFSMum]

Well - i say parents, I actually mean my dad (because im pretty sure my mum would let me stay there if she had any choice in it).

In the process of separating, will likely have to sell the family home to fund purchase of two separate properties.

At my parents tonight and having a lengthy conversation with my parents about my cousin who has just got divorced. My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time. He apparently just comes back once a fortnight to have his daughter (and stay in the expensive flat). My dad is saying how silly my cousins been as my uncle (dad's brother - father of cousin) had told my cousin he could stay with him and not have to rent the flat. I ask - if I need to come home temporarily at some stage (for example between our current house selling and me buying a new place) would i be able to? My dad immediately aggressively insists absolutely not, there's 'not a chance in hell' he wants me living there again, absolutely not! I was a bit shocked and said 'oh, well what will we (myself and 3 kids) do then?' He said you'll have to use your equity to rent somewhere wont you, or ask the council to put you up somewhere.... The atmosphere was a bit awkward after that so I said my goodbyes and left.

I am very close to my parents. I love them but my dad can be a difficult man at times. Believe me - I wouldn't want to have to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary and I really did only mean temporarily and only if no where else to go. Also my kids would likely be with their dad 50% of the time and i'd make myself scarce when they weren't with me (stay with friends / travel, etc). Im just really hurt that my dad thinks that way about me and that he'd sooner see me waste money on rent (VERY expensive in our area) than help me when I needed it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Sorry not sure what i want from this post really. Just venting.

What good relationship?

OP: "I am very close to my parents."

Oh why don't you just F. off ?? You know absolutely nothing about me and have decided Im an awful entitled piece of crap who cares nothing for her aging parents.

Thank you to everyone who answered. Ive taken everything on board and listened to everyone's points. Apart from this woman 👆Shes clearly an arseho....

I wont be replying anymore. Hope everyone has lovely days xx

You are really relishing putting the boot into the OP and making up stuff to show OP in the worst light despite her saying that she wouldn't do tit-for-tat and stop doing her parents favours. You're also completely twisting the reason why OP is asked to look after their dogs:

'I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away.'

OP sounds like a lovely daughter and her dad sounds like a bit of a selfish twat. Her mum seems lovely too but completely under OP's dad's thumb.

As OP has also clearly stated, if she needs to rent somewhere for a considerable length of time, she probably wouldn't have enough money left to buy somewhere for her and her children to live. And where does OP say that she expects to have home-made meals? Obviously, she hasn't said this or anything like it.

Also, OP hasn't posted in AIBU where posters can expect to get some really shitty and unfair posts. She posted on the 'Divorce and Separation' board where normally the responses are kinder and more empathetic.

Wow, you sound justifiably hurt by that. In a way he is being honest, he probably wouldn't like to have a family of four suddenly descend on him even if he loves them but he could have softened that considerably. This won't have come out of the blue though as you grew up with him so presumably this is who he is. It hurts though and I would feel hurt and angry - after all, family is about looking out for each other even when that is inconvenient (at least in my book).

Rather than being passive aggressive about it (not doing stuff for them) you could try having a conversation, staying with your own feelings about it and telling them you were shocked. It does no harm to let people have a bit of feedback from time to time. I suspect his response will disappoint you to be honest but be prepared for that but maybe he'll surprise you and you won't have just swallowed it, even if nothing changes. (I would make a bit of a point though so even though they are your parents, I would be reminding them next time they ask for a 5.00am wake up call that they are putting you out!).

Agree, the OP should just ignore that post as it has nothing to do with her - that's about the poster!

My dad made a point to tell us the family home would always be our home. I haven’t needed to go back and not likely to ever need it but I know in OP’s situation he would happily have us back. He’s also given his grandkids keys at the start of secondary so they can pop in whenever they want and told them the same. I will do the same for my kids unless they turn out to be a danger to have around.

I hear it all the time particularly as my parents and those of my friends stayed in the same actual home most of our childhoods until now.

Well OP has told us that the grandparents have their teenage grandchild round all the time.
OP hasn't even had a sit-down talk with her parents to explain her financial situation and concerns. Rather than just assuming that if she asks for the 4 of them to stay for an indefinite period they'll immediately jump at the chance. She's behaving like a child.
Divorce and separation are expensive. OP is probably going through that stage of not feeling able to accept that her family's standard of living is inevitably going to go down, and that that is her issue to deal with.

What’s with you? Were your parents not very kind to you?

Do you feel better for throwing up that bile?

Are you still here? You've driven OP off her own thread with your unkind and judgemental posts so I'm not sure what you are hoping to achieve.

lol well we know who won’t be getting help when they’re old and need it then. Being kind and helping family goes both ways and I would be making it very clear to him. What a horrid stance to take.

She wasn’t planning on staying with them
permanently and it’s under very specific circumstances. Back in the early 90s my parents moved in with me when they sold their house and were looking to buy another. I lived in a tiny one bed flat. Of course they stayed with me. They took my room and I slept on the sofa.

I actually think youre just batshit now after this latest rant... none of any of what you've said above has happened or been said 😂

A much needed doze of reality? You're the one making up entirely imaginary scenarios to try and show OP in a bad light. It's as though you have a personal vendetta against OP and I have no idea why.

I didn't see the post when the OP said it would be a year, or where they said the parents go on 2 day holidays rather than 2 weeks, when the OP looks after the dogs- not dog.
I would step back either way if i got a violent reaction to the idea of possibly moving back in temporarily, even if the favours are not even I would be reluctant to help out if I got a reaction like the OP described.

This! Your Dad sounds like a real misery guts OP, no wonder you wouldn't want to stay with him any longer than you had to.

Really? My kids are little but my niece is going through a divorce and I would absolutely put her up if ever needed. Of course it’s an ask, but isn’t that the very definition of family. The people you can rely on. My children will always be welcome in my home even if I’m 80 and in a one bed flat and they kip on the sofa.

"Sorry to hear about your mum and MIL.2

That's Ok, my mum was a long time ago, over a decade.

"Can I ask what the first signs of their dementia was please? Im assuming a change in personality and reactions. My dad has definitely aged faster than my mum (and she is older than him by a few years)."

I'd say forgetfulness. but then my mum had Lewy Body dementia and my MIL had vascular dementia.

I guess if you have 3 children that it's many years since you all lived together and they have got used to their routine and not want it disturbed, which it we would be with an extra 4 people. Have they even got room for you. Are they worried about costs. It is sad for you to hear they won't support you through this challenge and I don't blame you to hold back from helping them in future

Early signs of developing dementia can include lower stress response, irritability and unexpected anger. Given that you say you Dad hasn’t been like this before and has been a good and loving father to you, it could be that. If so, it could take many years to develop further, but if you start to spot other symptoms, get him to his GP if possible because these days there are medications that can slow it down, but they need to be started early in the disease.

I’m so sorry OP that’s really hard to hear. I was in a similar situation in my late 20’s. I lived abroad and my marriage hadn’t worked out so I was making plans to return to the UK. I was finding it tough to find a job and a place to live (internet was still new) and asked if it all went wrong, if I could go home just temporarily. My mum said she would have to ask my dad and then told me he’d said I could only stay for two weeks and I couldn’t bring my cat. I was so hurt! But it made me double my efforts to find a job and a flat and I was fine - didn’t need them. But I never forgot that and it still hurts today (25 years later). So I’m sending you solidarity and a hand hold 💐 and hope you never need a safety net.