Parents wont let me come home (temporarily)

[OhFFSMum]

Well - i say parents, I actually mean my dad (because im pretty sure my mum would let me stay there if she had any choice in it).

In the process of separating, will likely have to sell the family home to fund purchase of two separate properties.

At my parents tonight and having a lengthy conversation with my parents about my cousin who has just got divorced. My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time. He apparently just comes back once a fortnight to have his daughter (and stay in the expensive flat). My dad is saying how silly my cousins been as my uncle (dad's brother - father of cousin) had told my cousin he could stay with him and not have to rent the flat. I ask - if I need to come home temporarily at some stage (for example between our current house selling and me buying a new place) would i be able to? My dad immediately aggressively insists absolutely not, there's 'not a chance in hell' he wants me living there again, absolutely not! I was a bit shocked and said 'oh, well what will we (myself and 3 kids) do then?' He said you'll have to use your equity to rent somewhere wont you, or ask the council to put you up somewhere.... The atmosphere was a bit awkward after that so I said my goodbyes and left.

I am very close to my parents. I love them but my dad can be a difficult man at times. Believe me - I wouldn't want to have to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary and I really did only mean temporarily and only if no where else to go. Also my kids would likely be with their dad 50% of the time and i'd make myself scarce when they weren't with me (stay with friends / travel, etc). Im just really hurt that my dad thinks that way about me and that he'd sooner see me waste money on rent (VERY expensive in our area) than help me when I needed it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Sorry not sure what i want from this post really. Just venting.

Did you reply to your mum?

I’d be tempted to write seething along the lines of

‘Mum, I was really hurt by dad’s response. I wouldn’t want to have to all descend on you-it would be a last resort. I’m sure you can imagine buying two houses and having them both complete on the same day would be unlikely. Rent for the three of us will cost me thousands which will then deplete my equity and have a massive impact on what I can afford. I was just really upset-especially after his comments about x relative wasting money on rent when he could just live with his dad!’

My children 26 and 24 would always be welcome and we would be glad to have them. I would only be sad that their life had led them to this however temporary.

But i would rather have walked the streets than ask my parents however as they are very judgemental.

That wasnt very tactful of your dad but maybe he just thinks he couldnt handle young kids in the house again. And you absolutely can say no to the dogs or airport! If they wont help you at a great time of need why should you put yourself out.x

I really don’t get some people I would do anything for my children to help them out if they needed me. Very sorry for all of the upset you’ve had my dad can be very blunt and upsetting too.
I think you will look back on this in the future and it will make you determined to never do this to your children. Big hug sent.

@OhFFSMum I’d have immediately said ‘so you think cousin should move in with his father but not me? What’s the difference?’

It actually might be that as the cousin works abroad it doesn’t feel like ‘moving in’ to your father unlike you who would be there all the time in your scenario.

That sucks.

I feel sorry for you that your Dad is not willing to have you all, I think good parents always support their kids any way they can.

I feel sorry for you that your Dad delivered that news in such a harsh way.

I feel sorry for you as divorce is extremely stressful.

I feel sorry for you and your Mum that he rules the roost and gets to dictate something that you and your Mum would want differently - but so common especially in that generation. My Dad was the same (he still would have had us to stay in this situation I suspect but all the decisions were always his and he would have been a f ing nightmare to live with).

It’s completely understandable that you’d be upset. It’s all rubbish.

But how particularly ridiculous to have said that, in that way, off the back of a conversation about your cousin where he was criticising the complete opposite?! What a dick 🙄

I would be very hurt too! Never mind "forceful", he was very unpleasant the way he reacted.

My parents weren't great in lots of ways but would absolutely have let me/my siblings/grandchildren move back in with them in those circumstances and my siblings would let me/my children move in with them now if needed. And I have 3 children, 2 of whom are tricky customers to say the least.

Sorry your dad made you feel that way its hurtful..
Really your mum shoukd stand up to him and say they can absolutely come home , if you dont like it you leave.
Thats what id say.
Hopefully you won't need his help ... hugs x

Why , there could be many reasons as to why she hasn’t got any grandchildren. Some people choose not to have children or can’t have children. and therefore you can’t be grandparents.

My parents are 80/84 and there's no way they wouldn't invite me to stay in your position. Unfortunately there's probably nothing you can do about it but you don't have to put yourself out to take them to the airport or have their dog. It will be harder for you to manage it anyway if you are alone with 3 kids. The best thing you can do is make sure you don't have a gap between moving out and moving into a new place. Don't be pressured to go unless you have something else in place.

I'm not going to say which members of my family as it would be outing, but some of my relatives have recently sold their family home after separation & both brought new houses and all completed in the same day.
The chain was 7 deep on one side & then the other side was 4 deep and stopped at the purchase of one of their new houses.

I just wanted to share to give you that glimmer of hope/luck.

I think it's a big ask to expect your parents to put you up when you have 3 kids. But you would be right to think that you no longer owe them favours.

I have been a grandmother since 52. 58 is plenty old enough & you sound very unkind to be honest. My daughter needed to move back home with 2 children. It's what happens in loving families. You support each other.

I’ve got a lot of heat on his post but, honestly, I’m unapologetic. As parents we don’t have to set ourselves on fire to keep our kids warm forever.

I felt terrible when I didn't take in my son , but he was using drugs and I had other children to think of. Now he isn't I would make the space.

That's lovely. Can I share your Dad? :-) My parents told me when I left home, I wasn't ever coming back. I left home at 17, and I've never been back. They meant it. I'm not even allowed to come stay for a weekend visit. Unless I get an air B and B down the road.

I was in a similar, but different, situation. My son and his partner were selling their house and buying another. For one reason and another, the sales didn't line up timewise, so they were going to be 'homeless' for about 3 weeks. I said you can stay with us. No problem because we have a 4 bed, 3 bath house, with only us 2 oldies living in it. Husband (father) said no. Our children know what a selfish pig their father is, and stayed at his partner's parents instead and we stored their furniture.
We already have e an extremely difficult relationship me and husband and but I think he may have dementia, not yet , not an excuse I know.
My husband get verbally aggressive when he doesn't get his own way, or thinks he isn't deciding what happens. Perhaps your mum is in the same position?

You need to tell your dad that what he has said has hurt you very much! Remind him of the things that you do for him and if he refuses to help you and your children temporarily whilst going through all this upheaval then you will not be doing him anymore favours! It works both ways! I just dont understand how a parent wouldn't want to help their daughter and grandchildren temporarily, it's just plain selfish!

What a misery. On the plus side, think how satisfying it will be reminding him of this convo as you shove his wheelchair at speed into the grottiest nursing home in town in 10/20 years, while waving him goodbye.

How awful of him. If you dont feel like you can broach it with him, I would speak to your mum about how hurt you are by his what he has said ☹️ I personally would never not help my child and I don't see that changing as she gets older, my home will always be her home!

Surely you've got a big chunk in your monthly budget to pay something for housing in general, though? Mortgage or rent, it is normal to spend a significant chunk of your income on housing and shouldn't be cutting into the capital you have to put towards a deposit.

I think you should say no, but repeating his own words back to him to make it clear why and it might make him think more carefully.

For example, if they can afford the holiday they will have to use some of their equity to sort a dog sitter, definitely not in your house this time, definitely not.

I’m aware, but she specifically said it was due to her age.

When my daughter split up , she came to live with us (her parents ) and our 2 grandchildren for 6/7 months .I must admit it wasn’t easy for either of us. Maybe when you explain the costs of renting he’ll relent . Was it your decision to break up ? Has that influenced him ?

Gosh, I'm 72 but I'd have my daughters and grandchildren to stay for however long they needed in a heartbeat! ... and I'd love it and consider it a privilege. As your mum doesn't appear to have a say, I think your father must be very domineering.
I'd have thought it unreasonable of your ex to expect you to move out and sell the house until your children are 18. Try to stay put. Am pretty sure he couldn't enforce a sale. Get some legal advice - maybe Citizens Advice Bureau can help