Parents wont let me come home (temporarily)

[OhFFSMum]

Well - i say parents, I actually mean my dad (because im pretty sure my mum would let me stay there if she had any choice in it).

In the process of separating, will likely have to sell the family home to fund purchase of two separate properties.

At my parents tonight and having a lengthy conversation with my parents about my cousin who has just got divorced. My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time. He apparently just comes back once a fortnight to have his daughter (and stay in the expensive flat). My dad is saying how silly my cousins been as my uncle (dad's brother - father of cousin) had told my cousin he could stay with him and not have to rent the flat. I ask - if I need to come home temporarily at some stage (for example between our current house selling and me buying a new place) would i be able to? My dad immediately aggressively insists absolutely not, there's 'not a chance in hell' he wants me living there again, absolutely not! I was a bit shocked and said 'oh, well what will we (myself and 3 kids) do then?' He said you'll have to use your equity to rent somewhere wont you, or ask the council to put you up somewhere.... The atmosphere was a bit awkward after that so I said my goodbyes and left.

I am very close to my parents. I love them but my dad can be a difficult man at times. Believe me - I wouldn't want to have to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary and I really did only mean temporarily and only if no where else to go. Also my kids would likely be with their dad 50% of the time and i'd make myself scarce when they weren't with me (stay with friends / travel, etc). Im just really hurt that my dad thinks that way about me and that he'd sooner see me waste money on rent (VERY expensive in our area) than help me when I needed it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Sorry not sure what i want from this post really. Just venting.

Now you know at least.
Arrange to move out of your home straight into an independent solution.

Say no to early morning airport drop offs.
And limit your dog care to only what is easiest for you.

Ouch. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Finding out that your own father doesn't have your back is pretty depressing especially if your whole world foundation is likely shifting due to divorce and selling your family home. I was in a similar situation recently (and bad always given family tonnes of help) and it's taken me months of first stepping back from relationships I thought were super close to forgive.

Absolutely definitely say no to any more favours! Wtf? That isn't retaliation, it's a normal response to finding out you're basically being used. Tell him you were very hurt by his refusal to help you in a temporary situation and that you don't feel it's appropriate to keep doing favours for someone who would see his own child and grandchildren struggling like that.

No more favours. You need all your spare time and money to save for the rent you'll need to pay. So they can pay full whack for dog sitters/taxis etc. Your dad sounds dreadful. I'm so sorry.

I do think the idea of three young children in a house for any length of time would be daunting for a lot of older people. Your hearing changes as you get older and family noise can be quite debilitating to some. It becomes harder to adjust to change. You can have a lot less dexterity, balance, and energy. Seeing family for a day or weekend can be great, even a weeks holiday might be fine but manageable largely because you have somewhere quiet to recuperate after. An indefinite, albeit temporary, stay does offer that.

So it may just be a knee jerk reaction that he will change in the end. But I do think it can be a very big ask, and if you reasonably have the means to house yourself and your DC, you should probably do it without seeing if he's changed his mind.

He’s a real charmer isn’t he?!
actually you can say no to helping him and you should do so at the first opportunity. Still help your mum where you can assuming your relationship with her is ok.

I do totally get this. He is getting old (only 69 so not OLD, but seems to be aging rapidly) and the thought of having me and my crazy lot there more than we currently are is probably not what he'd ideally like. He wants a quiet life - i get that. But for me to rent in this area for six months would cost me in the region of £13k, which would obviously come off of any deposit i had for a house. I'm not sure if he actually realises that!? Funny enough my mum has messaged to say 'he doesnt mean to be so forceful' so its strange you've worded it that way. I suppose it just really upset me the way he reacted - like I'm a terrible person to be around or something.

I dont know... maybe he'd change his mind once he realised how much money id be handing over to line a landlords pocket

I'd never turn any of my DC away even if it was inconvenient for me and DH. Going through a divorce is one of the lowest times of your life if your parents won't support you now if personally he devistated.

Well it would be 2 young children (not really teeny - but primary school age), and one older teen child who they seem to want at theirs all the time anyway! I literally have to insist they send her home! So it's really just me and my two primary school kids he doesn't want around all the time. And yes they can be noisy and annoying so I get why he wouldn't want them there all the time. But, much as i love him, he is also not that much fun to be around and can be very impatient with the kids (I know he loves them though). I honestlt cant stress enough how much moving back there would be my last resort LOL. And just to save me literally thousands of £ in rent while I find a new property

Tbh after this update - why would you even want to subject your kids to someone who's inpatient with them anyway?? If anything you should be limiting contact

Because i dont have a bottomless pit of money to spend on rent when I need to buy a house for us to live in. 🙃

We'd be there as little as possible, and they'd be at their dads 50% of the time.

He's increasingly grumpy and a bit cantankerous, yes. But he's not abusive and has been very supportive of me throughout my life. Thats why I was shocked and hurt by his reaction tonight.

OP, I am so sorry, your dad really doesn't sound very nice at all.

If you are safe in your home, I would suggest you stay where you are until you are divorced and can sell the home.

It will be much easier for your ex to find accommodation for himself if the kids are staying with you.

Is your husband the father of the older child?

"He's increasingly grumpy and a bit cantankerous, yes. But he's not abusive and has been very supportive of me throughout my life. Thats why I was shocked and hurt by his reaction tonight."

I wonder if he has dementia? or at leas the start of it. My mum and mother in law both had it, one in her 70s and one in her 80s.

Anyway, if he has been supportive in the past, then maybe a big change like this is health related.

Decline the next airport run. You can do this, you know. It doesn't make you a bad person. Just don't do massive favours when you know they wouldn't do it for you. My parents would never have said I couldn't go home, not in a million years.

Sorry to hear about your mum and MIL. Can I ask what the first signs of their dementia was please? Im assuming a change in personality and reactions. My dad has definitely aged faster than my mum (and she is older than him by a few years).

To be fair my mum wouldn't ever say no to anything any of her children or grandchildren requested, ever. But my dad rules the roost.

Sorry OP, that must have been really difficult to hear.

Personally I have found my divorce has caused my usually extremely supportive and close family to react in all kinds of weird ways. At times I felt like relationships with them were breaking down irretrievably as they seemed to be completely incapable of understanding what I was going through and chose to act in ways that have hurt me deeply. I think (hope!) we are coming out the other side now. But it has shown me sides of them that I won’t ever forget. No real advice, just solidarity for you. When you are going through a divorce it’s extra painful when those around you don’t seem to have your back.

I'm going to get into bed now - but thank you for all of your replies. Like I said I'm not sure what i was hoping to get from this post but its been very interested to read all of your responses and experiences, and kind of nice to know i wasn't over reacting to feel hurt.

He really isn't a bad person and has been a good dad to me, so I was just surprised by his reaction tonight.

Who knows what the future holds but im just clinging on to the hope this will all be worth it in the end xx

I had a situation like this in my 20’s where I’d split with my long term partner, had bought him out of the house we owned then was faced with some expensive repairs and needing to buy a reliable car which was essential for my work. I asked my parents for a loan and I had the money coming but my dad aggressively said no and was quite insulting towards me. I managed to find the money through a bank loan and paid it back. My mum would have given it me but was led by my dad but she kept asking how I was managing the bank loan. I basically told her it was none of her business at this point. I never forgot the way they treated me at a time in need. They had the money but didn’t want to help me. It created a distance between us from that point on. I wouldn’t do it to my child if I was able to help them.

My dh can be quite domineering at times but when it comes to my children he knows that there is no way in hell he would ever get his way. Advocating for my children makes me grow in to mama bear and nothing can stop me. My mum was "weak" as well and I remember resenting her growing up for not standing up for us. When it's about your children there are no excuses for not growing a spine.

Is your dad a bit potty or is he actualļy nasty. Because if he's a bit off the wall then there's probably not much you can say, but if he's just selfish and ungenerous but expects you to do things for them then I think you should give him a mouthful. Sometimes people need waking up to themselves . A few home truths arent always a bad thing.

I can understand if you want to go back home as a preference that they wouldn't be keen on that. Three young kids will really change things. If you can be independent, you should be. I don't think that's an unreasonable boundary.

In an emergency though, that would be a whole other thing. (An emergency isn't so you can save on rent money). You'd hope they'd have your back. Maybe they would?

I understand how it hurts though. Mine don't even want me to stay for two nights if I'm traveling through because they like their space.

Next time your dad asks you to take him to the airport/ look after his dogs I’d say ‘ not a chance in hell ‘
Just as he did to you

Not really. The point is he thinks men, or men he identifies with, should not spend “dilly money.” He thinks men should help each other. So he thinks your male cousin should not waste the money. He doesn’t give a shit about you snd your kids and he certainly doesn’t think he should spend money or be inconvenienced for you.

I'm so glad my parents were different when technically they didn't even have space, 2 bed cottage and I didn't need to ask. Very kindly offered a place to stay till we found somewhere me and 4 kids tho mine was a rental that was sold quickly and had no time to get funds together to move to another. Stayed 2 months, payed an amount to cover food and bills even tho my parents said no and eventually got lucky on the house we are now moved into down the road from them. It worked out fine tho the wee ones probably drove my parents nuts much as they are adored lol