Parents wont let me come home (temporarily)

[OhFFSMum]

Well - i say parents, I actually mean my dad (because im pretty sure my mum would let me stay there if she had any choice in it).

In the process of separating, will likely have to sell the family home to fund purchase of two separate properties.

At my parents tonight and having a lengthy conversation with my parents about my cousin who has just got divorced. My dad is telling me how my cousin is renting a very expensive property despite never really being in it, due to working abroad most of the time. He apparently just comes back once a fortnight to have his daughter (and stay in the expensive flat). My dad is saying how silly my cousins been as my uncle (dad's brother - father of cousin) had told my cousin he could stay with him and not have to rent the flat. I ask - if I need to come home temporarily at some stage (for example between our current house selling and me buying a new place) would i be able to? My dad immediately aggressively insists absolutely not, there's 'not a chance in hell' he wants me living there again, absolutely not! I was a bit shocked and said 'oh, well what will we (myself and 3 kids) do then?' He said you'll have to use your equity to rent somewhere wont you, or ask the council to put you up somewhere.... The atmosphere was a bit awkward after that so I said my goodbyes and left.

I am very close to my parents. I love them but my dad can be a difficult man at times. Believe me - I wouldn't want to have to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary and I really did only mean temporarily and only if no where else to go. Also my kids would likely be with their dad 50% of the time and i'd make myself scarce when they weren't with me (stay with friends / travel, etc). Im just really hurt that my dad thinks that way about me and that he'd sooner see me waste money on rent (VERY expensive in our area) than help me when I needed it. I also am often called upon to do them favours like take them to the airport at 5am, or look after their crazy dogs when they go away... and I very much feel like saying no the next time im asked now (I wont say no obvs but i feel like it)

Sorry not sure what i want from this post really. Just venting.

Once upon a time I would have thought that it was a given that you help your parents in an urgent situation. My parents have shown rather extreme attitudes to us staying for them, even for a weekend. And told us that we are expected to sleep in community halls with all the other families if there was a natural disaster rather than stay with them. So you could say that this has distanced me from my parents, who I can't count on to have my back, and put barriers in place to opening my home so willingly. I would never treat my own children that way. Natural disaster and can't go home - come to me. Visiting for the weekend - stay with me. My children and myself do have a relationship where we have each other's backs.

ONE of your children. Four?

I honestly wouldn't be able to cope. Four is a whole family.

No one would be happy because I'd be a mess and that would be awful for everyone. I HAVE taken in my DC & children in in the past, as it happens. It was a fucking nightmare for all of us. DGC still talk now about the arguments.

I ended up living totally in my bedroom because the whole house was chaos.

There is no way I could do it again. I'd have a nervous breakdown.

We had our daughter and two.boys here when they moved house. It was a crowded muddle but a chaotic happy time. Families help each other. I can absolutely imagine why OP is shocked and upset. Her mum should challenge the father’s outburst.

I havent lived at home since I was 16 and there is no way Id go back there. When I got divorced I just had to live with my ex until the house was sold and Id bought a new one. There was no other choice. I did it. You can too OP. You will be ok.
Id limit what you do for your father in future if he's going to behave like that though.
I cant imagine treating my own DC like that.

That would be my preference - to stay in the house (even with ex husband) until I'd sold the house. I only asked my dad in case that wasn't possible - ive read its near on impossible for the sale of family home and purchase of two new properties to all complete on the same day? And that youre better to sell the family home and have no chain when purchasing your new home. Is that what you did? Did you and your ex both buy new properties and manage to move straight into your separate new homes from the family home? Id much prefer to do that than move in with my parents!!!!

They want the teenager there!!! Lol. Shes an adult so I can't really stop her from going to her grandparents. Plus that would upset my mum greatly. I dont really want to do tit for tat

Take out a bridging loan rather than renting. If your house gets a solid offer or you know that it will because you’re in a good area, then it’ll be cheaper to pay the interest on the bridging loan than renting somewhere for a minimum term.

Obviously, if you don’t sell quickly then it’ll cost a huge whack in interest over 6 months so just be careful. But explore the option before renting if you get a solid offer and just need to cover a month or two in overlap.

You mention that you have 3 children, 1 is a teenager and the other 2 are primary school age. You also mention that your Dad is happy to have your teenager visit, to the point you have to ask him to send her home. My guess is that your Dad finds all 3 children together overwhelming. Your teenager is older, so therefore quieter. Your primary school aged children are likely more boisterous, noisy, energetic, and he can't cope with them. I'd imagine there's more chance of arguments due to your primary school aged children annoying their older sister, when they're all together!

I suspect your Dad didn't mean to be unkind, but the thought of having 3 children in the house, horrified him, and he reacted badly. I'm guessing he struggles with all 3 together when they visit, so he'd struggle more if they were living there, even 50% of the time.

I would suggest talking to your Mum first, and finding out why your Dad reacted in the way he did. However, I think even if your Dad did agree to you living with him temporarily, I'd be wary, because deep down you'd know he didn't really want you all there. I think relations between you all could deteriorate rapidly.

To be blunt at 69 he’s used to his own space and a quiet life
practically how would it work do they have enough bedrooms at night would you all have to sit in the same room
to go from 2 people to 6 is massive
wether you mean to or not you’ll take over there house he’ll be out numbered in his own home
why is there the gap with nowhere to live
sell the family home and buy your own

There's a world of difference between your cousin's situation and yours OP!

1 child 50% of the time does not in any way equate to 3 children - 2 primary aged - 50% of the time.

Even if there are enough bedrooms to accommodate you all the noise and disruption would be massive.

I do think you are asking a lot OP, living with three children is not easy. Dh and I lived with my parents temporarily when we relocated back to my hometown, dd was about 4 at the time. There was only three of us but even then we got on each other nerves, my parents really struggled having a small child in the house, and we were up early to get ready for work etc, which also put them out of routine. Not to mention lack of privacy and space for all of us. We bought the first half decent house that came along as we were desperate to get out.

Well they are obviously still in contact with the cousin with the empty flat, so, they could help you out by:

• You get up and drive them to the airport at 5am
• They have a fun holiday in the cousin’s empty luxury flat.
• You stay in their empty house for a few weeks.

Problems solved!

Could you stay with your uncle OP and pay him rent?

Wow, your father's reaction was harsh. I'd be hurt too. :(

Yes that’s hurtful but at least you know where you stand. I wouldn’t try to persuade him.

Strongly disagree with the advice above to get a bridging loan. It’s a buyer’s market at the moment and house prices are falling in much of the country . It could take a while to sell and it could be complicated by needing to agree things with your ex. It’s just too risky and puts you on the hook for an indefinite period. Meanwhile it’s a good time to rent given the RRA- you can rent a place, give notice the next day if needs be and be out within 2 months.

We'd struggle to fit two adults & two kids in the two spare rooms tbh.

It's hurtful but I wonder if your dad has panicked at the thought of 4 extras?

If it came to it could your oldest stay there so that you could rent a smaller place for you & the other two?

I'm not surprised that you're hurt, OP. At least you know where you stand now. It's better to know the truth about who offers support in times of need, and who doesn't. If I were you I would frankly be more annoyed with your mum too, or maybe if your dad's always been a bully she's just broken down with it all. It's not like it would have been forever. Horrible.

As other posters have said, remember this lesson. I would take a massive step back from both of them, and they can sod off with their airport drops and free kennels.

I’m 58 and don’t have grandchildren (don’t know why you put so) and whilst it would be disruptive and testing at times it would be temporary.

You don’t stop parenting once they hit 18.
A good dog breeder will take their puppies back at any age.

Just for the record, I had 3 grandchildren at 58, it's not uncommon.

This is the second thread I have seen recently where adult children haven’t been welcomed back home.
My dad did the same to me in my early 20s when my first relationship broke down but then happily had me back when he was ill and needed help…

My partner and I are moving and were discussing house size (we have 3 kids, 1 at uni, 1 about to go and a primary aged) we decided we wanted a house big enough to ensure they were all able to come home if needed and bring a partner/kids etc.

I just cannot imagine not wanting to help my kids out if they needed it.

This seems to be how old men get. We used to travel 3 hours to see in-laws 4 times per year. When our children were primary age fil decided he couldn’t cope with us staying for just 2 nights so we stayed in an hotel. Ended up costing us hundreds each year to see them, especially when our children became teenagers and we need two bedrooms.

It depends on the circumstances if it’s an emergency situation where your child had to leave the home then of course you’d take them back in
But I’ll OP is selling a family home to buy your own. It’s just like when you normally move you just tie the two transactions together. So there’s no need to be homeless.

We are all different. But yes, one of my children plus their 3 children. I would for a short time while helping them find somewhere else. I wouldn’t want them spending £13k when I could help.

I get that it would be hard but I don’t get why you’d be arguing?? My in laws took me in when I was made homeless early in my relationship with DH. If you’re all sensible it can work for a short time. I’m not saying it was the most amazing time of my life but we made it work.

That is a good point OP, why not do that?

My dad too! Very set in their ways. I actually suspect undiagnosed autism but that’s a whole other thread. We had to sleep in the garden once!

I don’t really visit now…