Help me with a come back creepy colleague

[Thingsivesaid]

My colleague is a 60 something man and im in my 40s. He gives me the creeps. Used to touch my back without permission, is crossing professional boundaries by asking personal questions about my life and divorce (i change subject) And now the latest, He comments on my hair! Nearly every day. 'So, you've got a pony tail today. Your hair is on curls. Who plaited your hair for you. When are you going to wear a ponytail again?' Yuck!!! I didnt say much when the comments started, just ignored or said yea, but he didnt get the hint. Now ive said in a very dry tone a few times 'I didnt know you were interested in womens hairstyles.' But i dont think he'll stop. Please help me with a perfect come back! Something that shuts him up for good. (Bearing in mind i need to be able to exist in the same small office for the foreseeable)

“Please stop commenting on my physical appearance”.

repeat.

Second time - I’ve asked you to stop commenting on my physical appearance. If you continue I will report you.

Don't touch me, David.
Don't talk about my hair, David.
I bet his name is David!

This. Keep it straightforward, he will see a come back as banter.

This.
And start a diary. What he said, how you replied, how it made you feel. Date, time, location. Then email it to HR and ask them to assist as you’re being harassed.

As above “please don’t comment on my body”.

If you have to repeat it, speak to HR.

Why do you keep wittering on about my hair?

If I want your opinion on my appearance I'll ask for it.

Or don't reply at all, stop whatever your doing and just Stare at him.

David, its 2026. Commenting on other people’s appearance is unacceptable these days, as is touching me, so stop it or I will report you to HR.

You know he plays this kind gentleman character. He tried to open all the doors for me as well until i said no thanks I can open my own doors. We once got into a stand off because i held the door open for him and he refused to walk through. Its one thing after another. I can say stop talking about my appearance. But then something else comes up im sure. I need to find a way to get him to back off for good.

I think I'll try the silent stare 👁

Why can’t you use clear, unambiguous words???

Ask him outright if he has a hair fetish .
Then suggest he keeps his sexual preferences for behind his own closed doors..not in the workplace.

Just say, I find it really creepy you keep mentioning my hair and appearance. Please stop .

I hate this patronising shit disguised as courtesy.
He probably thinks complimenting your hairstyle is old fashioned courtesy too.
I think I'd channel my inner teenager with a good old 'whatever'.

They named a chocolate bar after you. Born vile.

I know you probably can't say this really, but it would be tempting.

And completely bonkers.

It might get the message across though, but yes, a little OTT.

They named a chocolate bar after you. Born vile.

This made me laugh, I might use it on my husband next time he annoys me 🤣

“Do you comment on Andy’s and Farhad’s hair on a daily basis David?”
”No? Then please don’t comment on mine. Thanks.”

Another thing he does is he comes to my door and stands there silently waiting for me to aknowledge him. I ignore him most of the time and eventually he ends up breaking the silence, but its so uncomfortable. Such a creep. He used to come up and stand there and ask me what im working on (its not part of his role to know). He still does this door thing. Mostly at the end of the day when he's going round saying goodbye to people.

Do they even make Bournville chocolate any more? It just sounds like a very strained, dated gag to me.

I see you're bald spot is getting bigger,David.

Haha..i wish!! He has full head of hair unfortunately.

Grow your own hair and decide if you’re having a pony or not, you muppet.

Oh damn it! 🤣🤣🤣