Help me with a come back creepy colleague

[Thingsivesaid]

My colleague is a 60 something man and im in my 40s. He gives me the creeps. Used to touch my back without permission, is crossing professional boundaries by asking personal questions about my life and divorce (i change subject) And now the latest, He comments on my hair! Nearly every day. 'So, you've got a pony tail today. Your hair is on curls. Who plaited your hair for you. When are you going to wear a ponytail again?' Yuck!!! I didnt say much when the comments started, just ignored or said yea, but he didnt get the hint. Now ive said in a very dry tone a few times 'I didnt know you were interested in womens hairstyles.' But i dont think he'll stop. Please help me with a perfect come back! Something that shuts him up for good. (Bearing in mind i need to be able to exist in the same small office for the foreseeable)

It's worth reporting him because his next victim won't be a 40 something women it could be a teenage student on placement or an intern.

I reported a colleague on behalf of a student, after she opened up to me partially, he was subsequently sack. I decided I wasn't going to stay anonomous and I am very open at work that it was me who reported him (I'm perirmenopausal, and as they say 'have no fucks to give').

But as a consequent all I keep hearing is stories about the Xmas party when he was totally inapporpiate with one of the Drs (at least 30yo more senior than him), and another colleague who split for a while from his now wife, and this guy instantly started making inappropriate advances on her (they are both very senior in their roles). If ANY of these people had reported him formally (management new but were having to wait for that one formal complaint) he might not have done what he did to this poor girl and left her with PTSD!!

Ultimately I put my neck on the line because in a decade my beautiful DD could be that young women, and the best I can hope for is that some middle age women has her back.

This is why you report him.

Just tell him straight not to comment on your appearance. Don't make a joke of it. Don't be angry. Just look him in the eye and tell him to stop. You might have to repeat it a few times but he should get the message that you're serious. If he still doesn't stop, report it.

It's always worth reporting something like this. If someone had done it sooner, you might not have had to suffer. If you report him now, it might help someone else. It's our duty to call this stuff out.

Just report him to your manager and HR. I wouldn’t engage with him as he might turn from creepy to nasty.

Then in all honesty I'd be tempted to tell him to fuck off next time

He's just come in and stood at my door. Then he asked what are you doing. I didnt look at him and said working and completely ignored him till he walked off. What a knob! If theres a comment about my hair, i'll say Dave you've put your hair on a side parting today and walk off. My line manager is in the room next to. She sees and hears this and chooses to ignore it.

So you report to someone higher than her.

If theres a comment about my hair, i'll say Dave you've put your hair on a side parting today and walk off.

Why? What would this achieve?

Don't know. Mirror everything he does and says back at him and become so annoying he'll back off?

Have you ever asked him if he has a running commentary of the mens hair in the department or is it just you? Its then highlighting how odd it is and hopefully if your manager is just next door, they will hear it too.

Same with the door, I would say do you loiter at everyone's doors each day or is this just me? If you are struggling for work im sure so and so can help you out.

I wouldn't make comments about his age though. You dont want to give him something that is reportable.

I personally would be highlighting it with HR and say you haven't reported before now as you have concerns others think it comes across as not an issue but it makes you uncomfortable and you would like some advice on how best to handle this.

Why are you so interested in the way I look when I hardly know that you exist.

Please please please for the love of god be an adult and SAY SOMETHING STRAIGHT to him. No sarky comebacks, no hard stares. He just won’t get it. The more you engage the more he will think you are OK with it and it makes for a jolly workplace. He’s tone deaf.

There are processes for a reason. They protect you and, weirdly if he is genuinely thinking he is being friendly, him. Follow them.

Tell him straight
If he does it again
Report him to your line manager or HR
End of.

Or you could make him back off by politely and firmly telling him to.

You seem determined to engage in some sort of game with this guy. That's upto you.

It's unwise.

Have you ever dealth with someone who seems to be able to have everyone on their side and be the victim? I know he will play hurt and baffled if i either report or ask him to stop. He seems to only do it to me and everyone else loves him. I have a very good office bestie and even she says she thinks he's just being nice. Who's going to believe me when all he's doing is opening doors, coming to say hello and complementing my hair?!

totally this, on repeat, with a cold stare

Yeah don’t say this. It’s more cringey than what he’s doing.

Yes. There isn't a type of workplace arsehole I haven't encountered at some point.

The one foolproof way of dealing with it is to state clearly that they are to desist from offending.

Now, that's not to say that other tactics won't work in this situation. But you must understand that other tactics are higher risk. You could inadvertently become the bully in the eyes of others, not least HR.

And, for the record, coldly and unflappably stating that dickhead should stop immediately is incredibly satisfying.

So let him be hurt and baffled. Why are you placing his feelings above yours? Just stop engaging with him, tell him you are fed up with him commenting on your appearance and that you will take it further if he continues.

If he comments on your hair, tell him not to. Don't retaliate by commenting on his hair - you'll just make matters worse. He obviously can't take hints so he needs it spelling out clearly and assertively - he should not be commenting on appearance.

If use his vanity mainly around the age thing

"aww yeah I did a pony. It's so sweet when you notice, you remind me of my grandad when he'd do my hair when I was little."
Or "oh dear, I know it used to be okay back in your day but we don't comment on physical appearance in the office any more Dave."
"I like your hair" "thanks Dave I like your shirt, it's nice when a senior gentleman makes an effort to stay fashionable!" Or "your shirt looks smart, my grandad always wore lovely shorts too, bless him"

keep ignoring him at the door or "what are you doing?" "Working, must get on"

As soon as he touched you , you should have gone to HR !
Not being funny but it won't stop because he has no respect for u .
He is a creepy perv who probs fantasies over your ponytail report him it inappropriate let him be embarrassed for his actions

You are being sexually harassed. Send him the email. That’s your evidence. If you start bantering then it won’t stop and you’ll have a hard time proving anything. No man should physically touch a woman at work. Your employer maybe didn’t handle a previous complaint but if you have evidence that you asked him to stop and he continued and you received any negative behavior as a result you can claim sexual harassment and victimization, but keep a diary and email him. I have been in your situation and it was hard but it stopped. I now work in HR. Words can be played down but never touching and if you send him a private email then that may be enough. Otherwise just look for a new job as banter will encourage him or you could get accused of age discrimination if you start going on about his age. You need to be an adult and handle this maturely.

His behaviour is harassment.
By treating it as anything less, he's enabled to continue the behaviour.
Please keep a log for a few days and report to your HR.

If he has narcissistic tendencies he could accuse you of bullying on the grounds of a protected characteristic (age). You simply cannot do this.

the casual ageism on this thread is hideous. His behaviour is completely inappropriate and unprofessional but it’s nothing to do with his age. You could face a disciplinary hearing for mocking a protected characteristic. Imagine substituting ‘disabled’ or ‘black’ for ‘old’ and you will understand how wrong it is. “Aww, you remind me of my cousin who’s in a wheelchair. How nice that you’re able to get out still”.