Help me with a come back creepy colleague

[Thingsivesaid]

My colleague is a 60 something man and im in my 40s. He gives me the creeps. Used to touch my back without permission, is crossing professional boundaries by asking personal questions about my life and divorce (i change subject) And now the latest, He comments on my hair! Nearly every day. 'So, you've got a pony tail today. Your hair is on curls. Who plaited your hair for you. When are you going to wear a ponytail again?' Yuck!!! I didnt say much when the comments started, just ignored or said yea, but he didnt get the hint. Now ive said in a very dry tone a few times 'I didnt know you were interested in womens hairstyles.' But i dont think he'll stop. Please help me with a perfect come back! Something that shuts him up for good. (Bearing in mind i need to be able to exist in the same small office for the foreseeable)

"John, I am so glad you're here! It was driving me mad all week who you remind me of and I realised that you look just like my Grandad! Mum showed me some photos of him last night. Of course that was shortly before he died, remind me to bring them in!! "

Our creepy guy actually was (is!) called David!!! 😬 how weird that pervy David is a thing elsewhere.

Please stop commenting on my appearance and I suggest you undertake the new Sexual Harassment training to understand why it’s inappropriate

Just video him on your phone. Every time. Evidence as well as will probably stop him in his tracks.
Then report him.

I'd just give him a withering smile and walk away or just carry on with what you were doing, he's doing it for a reaction

This guy is ex military. He knows how to show up as honourable. He hassles me when we bump into each other in the kitchen, lift etc. Basically when no one else is there. Its not worth reporting him. He's retiring in a few years and im moving departments next year. Just want him to fuck off til then.

We have a lot of ex-military. I'm working with HR to see how we can improve the culture.

His past is also not relevant. It's ex, not current.

When he's standing in your doorway "David? Are you ok? Are you having a funny turn?"

I think generally speaking to him as though he's 100 would be great

Just so you know David, you're coming across as a bit creepy. I'd rein it in a bit if I was you

David, please take your hands off me (very quietly).
David, please don't mention my hair, it crosses a boundary.
If he hovers in your office doorway, "thanks for saying hi, please shut the door on your way out, must get stuff finished.

I'm Dave's age, men of all ages, at the office, are always holding doors open for me. I quite like it.

are you so obsessed with my hair because you have none of your own?

Dave, please stop commenting on my hair and touching my back, both of those make me feel uncomfortable. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Then hopefully he'll acknowledge that he does and then will have to stop.
As for the door hovering, say night Davr as you turn away from him.
I can hear the discomfort in your posts. Sounds horrible. Hope you manage to sort it out.

The next time he says anything, reply “Look David, I thought I’d been clear before that I’m not comfortable with you talking about my hair and my appearance.” If he then tries to plead ignorance, respond “Well I’m now making it clear - I don’t like the references to how I look. It’s not appropriate and I consider it an overstep of a professional and personal boundary. Please stop.”

If he then does it again, “David, I was explicitly clear that I do not want you passing any comment on my physical appearance. You are a work colleague and therefore you have no professional reason to do this. You are making me feel very uncomfortable and continuing to ignore my reasonable requests to stop. If there are any further instances of such comments, I will formally report this to management/HR.”

Edited to add, I’d be tempted to follow up the next exchanges in an email to him, reiterating that you’ve been clear his comments make you feel uncomfortable and you’ve asked him to stop. That way you’ve got an audit trail should you need to escalate to your manager/HR or if he tries to flip the issue around on you.

Can you wear headphones when you go to the kitchen? Then if he tries to talk to you, just do the 'listening to something' pointing and gesturing and carry on with making your brew.

I agree overall with the approach of ignoring it all. As in don't engage.When he shows up and starts the hair or other creepy conversation, look up, slowly exhale as you would when you were steeling yourself to do something unpleasant, then very obviously fix a (professional) smile on your face and say something that is work related 'Do you need the spreadsheets, Dave?' Don't even acknowledge the other stuff he said. Act as if you didn't even hear it. If as you said, he wants a reaction, this denies him that.

If he only does it when you are alone then I’d be tempted to tell him to fuck off and stop being a creep. You can say whatever you want to if he is making sure rheee are no witnesses.

I'd honestly not bother with witty comments. They aren't witty. If you can't ignore him then just point out the behaviour and ask him to stop.

Don't tell him he makes you feel uncomfortable. He knows and he likes it. He gets off on it.

Right now you have reasonable grounds to make a clear “stop it” statement or escalate.

The minute you invoke the totes hilaire comebacks on here about his age or appearance it will likely be you, not him, on an easy disciplinary case.

Good idea, ask to explain himself, too. Push the awkwardness back to him.
Creepy fucker.

In a weird way it sounds like he wants to be friends with you and can't find the right thing to say

So many of these suggestions are terrible as they could land you in hot water yourself.

You have a few options:

1. Do not engage in his commentary and if he follows up with further comments ask him to repeat what he has said and then look quizzically at him and say “hmm…..”
2. Speak to him directly and tell him he is making you feel uncomfortable.
3. Send an email to him or speak to your line manager or HR.

Do you really think that? I don’t think I’m unduly cynical, but that is not my take on this at all. He’s a creep. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

This is perfect.

Be curt. Just tell him.

'Stop commenting on my personal appearance, I do not like it'

This & keep going on about his age & being elderly & asking if he’s wanting hair tips for his granddaughters & you can recommend some you tubers if he’s not familiar with social media etc etc etc. All said as sweetly as pie [as you’re just trying to be helpful otherwise why is he doing what he’s doing (in case he goes to HR himself!)]

Hopefully his ego will mean he leaves you alone after that.

I quite like this one, if you don't want to involve HR. No smiles, no softening it. Say it, move your gaze to your work/phone/whatever.

Some of the 'witty' suggestions are excruciating. I wouldn't mention age either, OP. He'll have a complaint against you then.