Help me with a come back creepy colleague

[Thingsivesaid]

My colleague is a 60 something man and im in my 40s. He gives me the creeps. Used to touch my back without permission, is crossing professional boundaries by asking personal questions about my life and divorce (i change subject) And now the latest, He comments on my hair! Nearly every day. 'So, you've got a pony tail today. Your hair is on curls. Who plaited your hair for you. When are you going to wear a ponytail again?' Yuck!!! I didnt say much when the comments started, just ignored or said yea, but he didnt get the hint. Now ive said in a very dry tone a few times 'I didnt know you were interested in womens hairstyles.' But i dont think he'll stop. Please help me with a perfect come back! Something that shuts him up for good. (Bearing in mind i need to be able to exist in the same small office for the foreseeable)

Don’t even turn around, just say ‘Dave, you know when you do that standing in the doorway and staring thing that you do. It reminds me of a creepy old serial killer man lurking around’

"What's actually wrong with you?"

"Everything people say about you is true"

"Are you retiring soon because I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with all the unwelcome comments?"

"If I ever have to repeat this, it will be to HR. Stop making comments on my appearance"

You could say “[name] we are work colleagues, keep the conversation professional, if it’s not about work, say nothing at all.”

Honestly, all this hinting and side-stepping must be exhausting. Just use your words.
If something else comes up, you use your words about something else as well. It takes two seconds to say "please stop XYZ".

Your making into a bigger drama than need be
just take him aside and tell him directly that comments in your hair and appearance make you feel uncomfortable wether it’s his intention or not and to respect your per space no touching

does he even realise I used to work with a very handsey colleague she couldn’t talk to you without touching you she had no idea

please please don’t go do the route of what you think is whitty comebacks that can often backfire

Print out your company's sexual harassment policy and just hand it to him without saying a word. Turn and walk away.

Does he do it with people around or does he only do it when it's just you two?

If people are around, in a louder than usual voice, I'd just say Okay David that's enough now, thank you. Let's not continue these comments moving forward as no one wants to be bothering with HR.

I think if you specify hair or appearance he'll start on something else, so be broad but clear, you don't want it, and you've also highlighted you'll go to HR if needed.

Good luck. Had one at our place very similar and he was called David lol 😆

It' hard because of the general atmosphere in the office is to not rock the boat. He is well liked by others and he is only being creepy with me. I know complaining about him or being very short with him would be seen as trouble. Its not an ideal environment for 'safe space'.

This

Perhaps just ask him why he obsessed with you or “Leave me alone your personal comments make me very uncomfortable”

Don’t say anything. Instead send him an email making it very clear his comments are causing you to feel very uncomfortable and you want him to stop. And that you don’t want to create any atmosphere but his actions are completely unacceptable and any touching, personal comments or loitering in your doorway are to stop immediately. You can add that you don’t wish to have any discussion about this and that he is not to discuss it with your colleagues or you but to simply stop it.

I'm told there's guides for dads/grandads on how to do styles they're not used to-advise him about that. But I wouldn't call it creepy-lots of people at my place comment on hairstyles. I don't have an issue, but if you do, just say you don't like talking about your hair. There are some women that spend ages talking about their hair/clothes, so maybe he's just trying to fit in. Some women, and men, spend ages making videos and posting about it, so no doubt they'd be happy to talk about it, but if you don't want to, politely just say that. As long as you treat everyone the same way, it's fine.

Go to HR and complain

You don’t need to add the threat of hr. You send this and if there’s one more instance you raise it with hr. Or you’d be safer to send it to them after you send it to him but for awareness only. You never know it might not be the first time.

I'd get him to repeat it so the whole office can hear.

What did you say about my hair?

What I’d say…
I'm beginning to think you have a rather unusual understanding of professional boundaries.

What I’d want to say…
You seem unusually interested in me for someone I have absolutely no interest in.

Or simply…
Go away, you really creep me out!

Trust me, i know when someone is being creepy and when not. He definitely is.
But i like the idea of advising him on finding hair styling videos on YouTube for grandads 😄 He would not like that

OP, you’ve has loads of suggestions so nothing to add. But god I am so sorry you’re going through this in 2026.

this is awful.

is it feasible to find a role elsewhere? It’s very much not normal to have to cope with this now. Most workplaces would have dealt with this behaviour long ago.

really sympathise, these situations are mentally exhausting and damage your sense of self. Really upsetting.

But he’s rocking the boat.

Next time he stands at your door say in a very annoyed voice Now What? And give him the stare

The very next time he touches you, grab his hand, lift it in the air and ask loudly "I've just found this hand on my (whatever) - does anyone know whose it is?"

"Awww are you lonely"? "Would you like me to help you find a partner"? "Do you like men or women"? "I can help you set up an online profile"?

"Alan, if you weren't old enough to be my dad, I'd think you were trying to flirt with me"

"I like you because you remind me of my father - so the flirty-sounding comments will have to stop because they're making me feel a bit sick"

It's it great that Work From Office people are winning

Just it your headphones on and ignore him (or insist on WFH)

Sadly it will take a very direct demand to get through his thick veneer. You will literally need to shout at him to stop being a creep. I encountered this in my last workplace, a Drew in my case. It was a really toxic misogynistic environment/industry. Drove me nuts that the other women would just half laugh and say, Uch that’s just his way.
He was really overtly pervy. If you had to buy batteries for the office he would snigger and say he knew they were for your vibrator. If you yawned he’d say you must have had a good seeing to last night. Just really tiresome. I’d tell him he was disgusting and a dinosaur but he’d just laugh.
One day he came up behind me and put his hands round my neck. I stood up and told him never to lay a finger on me again if he didn’t want a) all his teeth broken and b) a sexual harassment tribunal.
I got called to the big boss and reprimanded for upsetting Drew. I left pretty soon after that. Couldn't stomach the culture in the place.
FYI, this was only 3 years ago, not in 1986 or something! Ugh, he was so so gross.

Edited to remove David, I’ve no idea why I thought he was called David.

There have been other unprofessional instances by someone else where ive had to flag an issue and it was not dealt in a way that would make me comfortable to flag something again. We are all professionals working quite independently and i can avoid the creep if i want to. I just feel targeted by him and would for once want to find a way to be the clever witty one and not the weak one who has to threaten with outside involvement iyknwim