Help me with a come back creepy colleague

[Thingsivesaid]

My colleague is a 60 something man and im in my 40s. He gives me the creeps. Used to touch my back without permission, is crossing professional boundaries by asking personal questions about my life and divorce (i change subject) And now the latest, He comments on my hair! Nearly every day. 'So, you've got a pony tail today. Your hair is on curls. Who plaited your hair for you. When are you going to wear a ponytail again?' Yuck!!! I didnt say much when the comments started, just ignored or said yea, but he didnt get the hint. Now ive said in a very dry tone a few times 'I didnt know you were interested in womens hairstyles.' But i dont think he'll stop. Please help me with a perfect come back! Something that shuts him up for good. (Bearing in mind i need to be able to exist in the same small office for the foreseeable)

Loudly.
“I wonder if your wife knows you are harassing me ?”
if he says he’s divorced
“No surprises there”

OP, Please don't go on about his age or anything else. That puts you, potentially, in the position of being a work place bully on the basis of a protected characteristic and 'well, he started it' isn't a defence.

Just tell him to stop doing what he's doing. Be clear and terse. Do not be drawn into explanations. Tell him to stop, you don't like it and you are under no obligation to explain.

If he doesn’t stop, go to HR.

Under your breath when you are alone "Fuck off you fucking pervert or Ill kick your fucking head in" an deny you ever said it.

My bf/ sister/ husband/ whoever is a black belt in karate and hates creepy guys coming on to me

I just feel targeted by him and would for once want to find a way to be the clever witty one and not the weak one who has to threaten with outside involvement iyknwim

It is not weak to use the threat of "outside involvement", which, by the way, is inside involvement as it's your workplace processes, @Thingsivesaid

On no account riposte by teasing any aspect of his age and appearance as you will be in the wrong then. Use of humour can also be interpreted as being part of the banter.

Taking on the more serious actions suggested by other PPs is the wiser course, not getting off some zinger that could end up with you in the soup.

🤣🤣🤣 literally laughed at this

🤣🤣🤣🤣 brilliant!! 🤣🤣🤣

Look at his feet and say what size shoe are you, they look tiny. Then flick your hair and walk away

What does this mean?

I would give one firm warning asking him to stop making comments. If it persists report to HR. Do not engage further with comebacks because if investigated it could look like it was banter or you have encouraged it. Shut it down.

I’d have reported him by now. Fuck saying stuff to him. It’s obviously not working.

Exactly. He could very well say it’s banter and you’ve engaged with him and poor him he’s only being nice.

So you really want to put up with his crap for another year? Ok then.

Lots of good suggestions! Its difficult to explain why reporting him feels so difficult. He isn't really doing anything 'wrong' that anyone can pinpoint directly and that cant be explained away by him trying to be nice or polite. The environment doesnt support it and i know it would backfire on me and i would be seen as the troublemaker and i dont want to risk my career. All my other colleagues are nice. And they really like David (not his name 😄). I dont want to show him hes making me uncomfortable because thats his goal anyways. I think treating him as a nuisance is better. Something i cant be blamed for either.

He definitely IS doing something wrong. Everyone where I work (over 1,000 staff) have recently had to undertake 'harassment at work' training. The things you have described him doing is exactly the behaviour that was highlighted. If your employers don't take this seriously then they put themselves at risk of being taken to tribunal one day. You might be happy with brushing it off with unfunny ageist remarks but the next person won't.

And as someone mentioned further up the thread, age is a protected characteristic. You could land yourself in hot water, because he might not be so shy about taking this to HR.

Yes. I like my job and im not going to leave it or single myself out as a troublemaker because of some David. Im a single mum and need the money. Job pays well, is flexible around family commitments and has career progression. Im on a fixed term contract which is to be renewed next year but i fear not if i seem to be having problems with other staff members. Especially the well liked one.

He is attracted to you but is behaving this way to get to you, and it is like a form of bullying. You need to change the dynamic. If he holds a door open say 'Thank you Bob, most kind'. Don't get into games of who goes first as he enjoys getting to you. When he lurks at the door call out 'Are you off Bob? Have a nice evening'. Be the one to bring up conversation but cut him off pretty quickly because you are busy. Be perfectly nice to him but basically act like his slightly condescending manager. It will put him off because he gets a kick out of making you feel awkward and enjoys being the one on control.

Obviously, you are well within your rights to take more formal steps but it sounds like you would rather not do that.

They sure do. And yes, it is completely dated.

This is absolutely the worst way to approach it. You can’t counteract his behaviour by behaving in an unacceptable way yourself- as the saying goes, two wrongs don’t make a right.
If you’re not prepared to report this to HR or to just tell him his behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable then you’re just going to have to put up with it! Thinking up rude, sarcastic, discriminatory come backs will only backfire.

Alright Vidal Sassoon
Yes, my boyfriend likes it this way
Aw thanks David!

All great responses @Thingsivesaid

Keep diary of everything that's happened. Tell him straight don't comment on my physical appearance. Tell him you'll report him if he continues.

How about "David, it's 2026 and you really should be more aware of workplace policies around touching colleagues or commenting on their personal appearance. I know a lot of older people see it as banter and harmless, but it's really not acceptable."

OP,
From HR perspective, please don’t say anything ageist back to your colleague. He could report you for ageism which is a sackable offence. Next time he mentions your hair, email him and tell him you find his comments unwelcome and uncomfortable and you’d like him to stop. Say you will save a copy of the email and if the comments do not cease, you will forward it to HR. And keep any reply. If he continues to be creepy, you then have some evidence that you asked him to stop.

This!

You have done nothing that can be questioned or told off for. How have you hurt his feelings...you just asked him to repeat himself.

Do it every single time.

And with the door thing/what are you doing thing..."Sorry, please can you repeat that?". If he does..."Why?"

This will all get him feeling awkward, make him stop/reflect and leaves you in done-nothing-wrong territory.