Help me with a come back creepy colleague

[Thingsivesaid]

My colleague is a 60 something man and im in my 40s. He gives me the creeps. Used to touch my back without permission, is crossing professional boundaries by asking personal questions about my life and divorce (i change subject) And now the latest, He comments on my hair! Nearly every day. 'So, you've got a pony tail today. Your hair is on curls. Who plaited your hair for you. When are you going to wear a ponytail again?' Yuck!!! I didnt say much when the comments started, just ignored or said yea, but he didnt get the hint. Now ive said in a very dry tone a few times 'I didnt know you were interested in womens hairstyles.' But i dont think he'll stop. Please help me with a perfect come back! Something that shuts him up for good. (Bearing in mind i need to be able to exist in the same small office for the foreseeable)

Is this really what constitutes harassment these days?

Yes it is. Anything that is done to make someone feel uncomfortable. I'm sure if all he was doing was opening the door for her, OP wouldn't be bothered. It's the combination of several things and general pattern of behaviour that means that OP feels like he his targetting her. If someone made one comment about my hair, I would probably brush it off (pardon the pun) but regular comments, plus the touching, plus the loitering while she's trying to work, all point to harassment.

OP please mention it to.someone. You might be surprised at the reaction.

Ah Dave, please close that door behind you, when you go, there's a draught. Thankyou.

If you find yourself in a space with him and only him, stand up and walk out.

Otherwise ignore him completely, he is thriving off any attention, good or bad. Don't feed it. You don't need to think of witty responses, or comebacks. He's getting his kicks out of making you uncomfortable, so don't flinch. Think to yourself, oh there we are, Dave is doing a Dave, and just ignore him, he's a mosquito in the room, a mild annoyance that's all.

Just cut him off, ignore him and get comfortable with people thinking you're not being "nice" to Dave. Don't give a shit about Dave and his feelings.

I think I'd try and make myself less interesting physically for a while so he had nothing to comment on. I'd wear all black or all one colour. A work uniform
Same hairstyle every day or wear a hat/headscarf

I'm not having a go - I know you're trying to help the OP, but God, this was depressing to read.

Women should NOT be making themselves smaller, quieter, plainer, or minimised in any way in order to discourage a man's inappropriate behaviour.

Stick with one word answers or ignoring completely. You'll get used to doing it, and he'll stop, hopefully sooner rather than later.

I really hope he doesn't switch his attention to a younger/more vulnerable member of staff. Daves are very often hiding a nasty streak.

Why did you bother posting if you’re going to ignore the clear advice given? This is daft

Could you just say “You’re being weird with me again Dave” or “Are you trying to flirt with me again”.

yes, I’m sure he’s done it before and got away with it. it’s a kind of power trip. I think I would try totally ignoring him ,as if he’s not said anything at all . carry on with your work as if you’ve not heard him.

I think it's a weird way of showing his interest without making a pass, especially as you say he's divorced. I would definitely find it creepy.

He's clearly a vain man, trying (and failing) to 'flirt' with a younger woman at work. Perhaps emphasise his age, give him an ick and he'll leave you alone. When he stands in the doorway looking at you act surprised when you see him and say something like 'my granddad complains that over 65 and you become invisible'. If he mentions something he likes say 'My granddad also likes that, must be an age thing.

Will you all please stop with the ageism?

Absolutely this has nothing to do with age.

The guy I reported was mid 40s, since reporting to me a colleague who new him at uni when he was doing his first undergrad degree at normal student age (18-21) says he had a nickname then due to his inappropriate behaviour (and given the general ladette culture of the era, for a man to be singled out in the late 90s/early00s for being a letch and a perv says something!!).

Oh please, give over. I am older than the man mentioned in the OP. I know his type, hence the reason I called him vain and suggested she compared him to her granddad. I will bet good money he would never consider 'flirting' with a woman his own age or even near it. In his eyes, he is good catch, good head of hair and good manners knows how treat the 'ladies' - he deserves a woman in her 40s. If he has a dating profile 100% his age range would be 35 to 50. Call out HIS ageism and Creepiness.

If he has a dating profile 100% his age range would be 35 to 50.

More like 18-50, going by the blokes I know.

Nonetheless, age is a protected characteristic, and two wrongs don't make a right. It is unwise to give him any ammunition with which he could make a complaint.

Pointing out the difference between your age and his isn't ageism. Comparing someone who's hitting on you and is old enough to be your dad/grandad to your dad/grandad is not ageism. You're not saying there's anything wrong with being 20 years older. You're just highlighting that he is.

Indeed!

This loudly followed by - you do this every day comment on my physical appearance. You need to stop today it is unacceptable. Just stop. I trust I will not have to repeat myself to you again.

if he tries to inject say loudly I am going to finish what I am saying.

and say after if he says anything

Eric if I want your opinion on anything I will ask for it/ but assume until that moment I arises that I do NOT want or need to know you opinion and the fact that you do it on my physical appearance is just unacceptable. It’s 2026.

Have you asked if he has grandchildren or even children? I would ask him if he comments on his daughters/DIL hair Everytime he sees them.

Then you can explain it’s in appropriate if he does and if he doesn’t then why does he think it’s acceptable to comment on your physical appearance.

That is why keeping a diary of incidents is so helpful, to explain how all of them - despite them possibly being individually explained away as innocuous - add up to a pattern of inappropriate behaviour. So document everything, even if you are not sure whether to complain about it right now

I hope you do complain. I appreciate that this can be difficult to do in some workplaces, but your employers would be really stupid not to take it seriously. Employers are required to take 'reasonable steps' to prevent sexual harassment (which this is); from this month that will change to the requirement to take 'all reasonable steps to prevent it. So you are not powerless in this as the law is on your side.

He has one daughter and one granddaugter. No comments on my hair yesterday. I think he's feeling my fed-up vibe. But he did come to my door as he was leaving and like hundreds of times i was the last one in the office. He's asking me Will you cope? I said what? Him: here by yourself. I said nothing. He stood there waiting, so i finished with Have a nice evening Bye now. Eventually he left.

I would say (loudly, enough for others to hear) something along the lines of "David, im sure that youre just being kind, but your behaviour could easily be misconstrued as sexual harassment, and im sure that's not something you want being taken to HR"

You say hes only doing it to you, but you also say he does it in places that others dont see. He may well be doing it to other women, and quite frankly, doing it out of sight suggests he's aware its inappropriate, and also sounds quite predatory

Ive asked other women in the office if they think they get a weird vibe from him and told them how he makes me feel and they dont see it.

A simple “fuck off creep” would suffice

In that case, his comeback cant be "its just how I am, anyone will tell you that"

In the past I've handled this sort of thing by making a big sigh, look the guy up and down with an unimpressed look, maybe say something along the lines of "God, you're so sad." and turn back to my work.

I would avoid age related comments. I don't entirely agree that age isn't relevant, because you can be pretty sure the fact you're significantly younger is part of why he's doing it, but it's risky and if someone overhears it could be you in trouble.

This has a really tough when someone behaves in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. And difficult when others don't see it or shrug it off.
If he's only doing these things to you then he is targeting you, which is wrong. You should be able to raise it with somebody.
Maybe keep some notes, so you have a record of his pattern of behaviour - just in case anything comes back on you.
If ignoring him is starting to work then keep going with that.

Im naturally up beat and friendly so being short and rude with people doesnt come naturally. But im practising because it seems to work.

Maybe rephrase the 'short and rude' as being assertive about boundaries. Might help you see it as a positive/necessary action rather than more negatively!