Help me with a come back creepy colleague

[Thingsivesaid]

My colleague is a 60 something man and im in my 40s. He gives me the creeps. Used to touch my back without permission, is crossing professional boundaries by asking personal questions about my life and divorce (i change subject) And now the latest, He comments on my hair! Nearly every day. 'So, you've got a pony tail today. Your hair is on curls. Who plaited your hair for you. When are you going to wear a ponytail again?' Yuck!!! I didnt say much when the comments started, just ignored or said yea, but he didnt get the hint. Now ive said in a very dry tone a few times 'I didnt know you were interested in womens hairstyles.' But i dont think he'll stop. Please help me with a perfect come back! Something that shuts him up for good. (Bearing in mind i need to be able to exist in the same small office for the foreseeable)

Yeah and it makes it sound like you can't pronounce a product that hasn't even been mainstream since the 80s?!
Just say 'stop commenting on women's appearances. It's inappropriate.'?

OP, I really wouldn't do this. He will see it as banter and the whole thing carries on. I DEFINITELY wouldn't mention his age. As many pp have said, it could backfire really badly. Plus, it's really not the right thing to do.

If you really won't report to HR, then just ignore him. As in, completely ignore him and continue getting on with whatever you were doing when he showed up. No quips, no banter, no 'jokes.'

If he touches you again, however, back right away, hands up warning him off, voice loud - "NEVER touch me again, got it?' and walk away.

I think you should speak to your manager, OP.

You're all correct, i wont bring his age into this. Just now we were sitting at lunch with a few other people. When the others left i just completely ignored his existence, stared at my phone and he gave up and left. I will ignore him and his comments for starters. See how that goes.

Ignoring him except for genuinely work related communication might be your best approach, OP.

I really think that's the way to go - ignore or Grey Rock.

I don’t know the bloke and you do but is there a chance that he is just being nice and he really likes you? Having said that, if he’s making you feel uncomfortable then that’s the end of it. Not ok.
If someone repeatedly commented on my hair, I’d probably just cock my head to one side, look puzzled, give my head a shake and walk away. I wouldn’t come back with any witty comments.
If your line manager is next door to you, could you just casually mention it to her. ‘Hey Sue, did you hear David commenting on my hair again? Does he do that to you too?’ You’re not making a complaint or causing ‘trouble’ but you’re highlighting that it’s an issue. Just a thought.

I found him pleasant and friendly in the beginning when he first started 2 years ago and chatted openly. I don't know if he would like to date me (he's divorced) but he clearly crosses several boundaries now in the way he conducts himself. Last year he somehow knew when my birthday was and had left paper flowers on my desk. I dont know who let him in because we have separate locks 🙄

Please stop

Every time. And start taking notes.

when someone makes a comment I dont like, I usually pretend I can't hear what they are saying so they say it louder, then repeat... it often stops them repeating it when others can hear him keep saying it loudly!!

Oh wow. Yeah, I wouldn’t be happy about that at all! Did you mention that to anyone at the time?

I've been in a very similar position. Jolly chap, life and soul, within an old school, male dominated industry. Used to behave in a slightly risque way / use marginally unacceptable language in front of everyone else for 'banter', but not considered overtly so, (in a workplace that had only recently enforced removal of topless pictures from general workspaces, for context). His behaviour to me was more sinister but almost impossible to put my finger on. It was glances in my direction, the way he said my name, the unnecessarily close brush past me, telling lewd jokes just loud enough for me to pick them up - and then looking for my reaction. I'd previously always been able to handle situations like this firmly - but he was subtle enough that there was nothing I could explain to anyone else without sounding pathetic.It was all done very deliberately, and with time to reflect it was clear he was trying to assert some kind of power over me. He didn't like my seniority in the team, and it was clear this was because of my sex and my age. He was absolutely trying to use his gender to intimidate me.I wish I could tell you that I had found a way to articulate this to senior management. I couldn't - and I doubted whether they would have done anything even if I had. In casual conversations I'd be told, 'well, it's Ian, you know how he is, just stay out of his way'. That's largely what I did, as well as shutting down any engagement or interaction that was not required to do my job.I can say with absolute certainty that any giggly, girly response, any attempt at a cute but cutting put-down, any hair flicking or reference to my grandad would have played into his court and encouraged him to continue his power game. I can't set myself out as a shining example of what to do - but if you can't report it, you need to believe in your own strength, not engage in his game and not comply to ridiculous gender stereotypes that suggest you have to consider his feelings above yours.

My niece has a way of looking at people with one eyebrow raised if they piss her off - its an absolutely withering look and I soooo wish I had the knack of it.

She'd have this wanker weeping in the toilets in abject humiliation within a day.

I think the 'Please stop commenting on my appearance'. 'I’ve asked you to stop commenting on my physical appearance. If you continue I will report you' is perfect..
But if you are determined you don't want to be formal about this or let him know he creeps you out, I would go for:
'I don't want to discuss my hair' - then silence, turn away
'I don't want you to touch me <stare at body part until it is removed>', then silence, turn away
'I don't want to <insert whatever non work related activity>
Please don't go for the witty comeback - you will only put yourself in the wrong and he will complain about you (they always do).
Minimal speech, instant dismissal if not work related.

I'd be inclined to give him one word answers, don't smile, laugh or engage with him. If he's got no "fuel" he's going to be talking to himself isn't he. He's relying on you being professional and polite to continue his harassment. Treat him like he's a boring annoying nuisance (which he is). I totally agree, you shouldn't have to be managing this pricks behaviour as well as trying to do your job. It's outrageous that you feel you can't raise the issue with your manager.

I wish I knew how to do this

You know that silent judgey straight faced starey squint that Anna Maxwell Martin does in Motherland? That.

I've tried to emulate it but just look like I'm having a stroke

I'd put money on him wanting to date you.
Never underestimate the delusions of some older men.🙄

Sadly I suspect he thinks he is God's gift to women and wants to date/sleep with you.

Personally, I would go with Bob, stop making personal remarks/questions. And then Bob, I have told you to stop with the personal remarks/questions. Say the same thing. Keep repeating.

If you can't tell him to stop it, and you can't raise it with HR, and you don't want to leave, then I think I'd try and make myself less interesting physically for a while so he had nothing to comment on.
I'd wear all black or all one colour. A work uniform
Same hairstyle every day or wear a hat/headscarf.

Or, when he comments on your appearance 'you have a ponytail today'
You could reply 'you have short hair and brown shoes'
Make it awkward

To preceed my question, I would just like to say I am not trying to be goady, or suggesting that youre wrong in how tou feel, I am honestly just curious. What is it about this that makes you feel so uncomfortable? If he holds the door open for you out of politeness, is it such a big deal for you to walk through it and simply say 'thanks'. If he is older, maybe he was bought up that way and assuming he isnt smacking your arse on the way through, why is this so upsetting for you? Likewise with the comments about your hair. I guess you have to work in proximity with this man on a regular basis, so whats wrong with a simple 'thanks Dave, I like my hair in a plait/pony tail. I did it myself. Im super busy so must crack on with work, have a nice day'. Why is it such a big deal? I understand if you haf a huge mole on your face etc that its not appropriate to comment on appearance but this seems harmless.
What would a HR complaint look like? Your grievance is that he held a door open for you and noticed you had a pony tail? Is this really what constitutes harassment these days?

If he's in his sixties, he could still be working there for another decade or more.
I think you should consider mentioning to HR if you feel targeted and harassed. It's not fair and I don't think they should be able to ignore it

Well this is it. No one is going to take me seriously if i complain this man is polite.🙄 He has a creepy way of being. For example he might overhear me telling a colleague on friday i got a big bag of carrots from the market and don't know what to do with them. Come monday he will stand there silently with a smirk and say Did yoy figure it out? And im like what? The carrots. What did you do with them? Freaking creep!!

And the hair thing.. The times i wear it up is when i cant be bothered with it and want it away from my face, so im not making an effort to look nice or anything. Its all weird. Such a weird way of being with other people. It is as if he likes to catch me by suprise by doing or saying something i didnt expect.

Wherever I have worked, when someone has been accused of harassment, the reaction has never been, "I'm surprised it's him." People always know, when someone has been there any length of time, regardless of how polite the veneer.