AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

[SassyNavyHam]

My husband and I had a fight last night which turned into a long talking session about our marital issues, our insecurities, and what we feel we are missing in a partner.

To his credit he really did listen and try to understand my pov, but what hurt is he kept comparing me to his brother's wife. Every example of what he wanted somehow went back to his brother and SIL. She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesnt nag his brother (lmao they have a housekeeper) She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine (again she has a housekeeper/cook, no mortgage, a nanny)

This was all prompted by recently traveling with them for a family wedding, but I find it extremely strange because we are almost no contact with them (and I didn't attend the wedding for that reason). This woman does not like us. She calls me trash and says we aren't allowed in her house. She will not speak to my husband directly, and doesn't want our children to play with her daughter. He and his brother speak maybe once or twice a year.

I finally snapped and offered to call her and tell her he wants her. He was mortified and said i was being ridiculous. I said no, we should tell her and let her decide. Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

I told him he is right. Any man would want her. She is gorgeous, so lets call her up and ask if she would ever want him. He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable. He said he was just using her as an example and I'm a terrible person.

I'm tired of coddling his feelings. I'm tired of being compared to some fantasy dream girl

Not unreasonable to snap. It was unwise to compare you to someone who is so awful to you both. Also not to recognise that she/BiL has significantly more help than both of you.

But you should not have said those things to your husband. It would never have gone down well and shoe on the other foot, you would probably have cried or stormed out (even temporarily).

It is possible to be hurt without hurting others. That might be the biggest lesson for you both going forward.

I knew you would be torn apart @SassyNavyHam I would leave the thread.
Posters on Mumsnet despise women who stick up for themselves in any way.
I knew you would get the 'neither of you covered yourself in glory' and would you believe, second post in word for bloody word.
You aren't supposed to say anything back to the Man for goodness sake, did you miss the memo? You are supposed to meekly accept whatever they throw at you and be grateful he goes to work. Do keep up.

In the real world, you absolutely did the right thing. They love to compare don't they? Imagine being compared to someone who has a damn housekeeper and lives their best life 😂

Also, ignore the dickheads who will pop up and say you sound 'jealous of her'. Some fucked up posters on this site unfortunately.

I think sticking up for yourself is good. And her DH sounds toxic or even emotionally abusive. But she did take it too far and stepped into emotionally abusive language herself. Driven to it, for sure, but it’s still not ok.

He absolutely deserved what he got from you. His behaviour was appalling.

SIL sounds crazy, trying to take a swing at you for putting her kid in a three minute timeout.

What are you going to do about your marriage? It sounds like you have so much contempt for each other.

Can you explain to me, why the OP needs to tolerate it but not say anything back?
what do you think you should say to a man who compares like this?
What do you think a man who does this will listen to?
What was the OP meant to do? Please, please do not say ignore it. We do enough of that.

What you said to him was unforgivable. Im not surprised he cried as that was probably the point he realised how little you think of him.
He shouldn’t compare you.
That is wrong but he’s saying to you to lighten up/laugh more. You respond with a character and visual assassination of him. Really horrible.

It sounds eaksy peaksy now between you and DH - your adhd bil and your SIL with a history of abuse will probably not trundle through life easily - their problems will surface. But you need to stay away from them now. DH was totally in the wrong to compare you to her ? You were as bad back to him and I would say to agree to no more talk of sweet SIL and move on.
Shame about the niece getting told off but her crying was probably being away from her mother if she was only 3 and this had not ever happened before .
Time will fix this - the niece will grow up, you and DH will have other interests than his DB and you can make a point of talking more kindly to one another
to add I’ve been married 43 years and there have been the odd fierce row in that time but we are still tigether

All sounds like hard work. You guys just aren't nice to each other.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5577442-aibu-to-be-upset-my-husband-posted-an-unflattering-birthday-photo

This.

OP ignore everyone on here who moaned about the timeout or your husband nonbeing able to take what he dished out.

Yes, your comeback was firm and cruel but it was also deserved. He started it and upset you so who the fuck cares as bout him not being able to take it?

Lots of people on here have glossed over the fact that what he said had hurt you.

I really am surprised about the backlash your getting on here - probably from women that would take abuse of their partners and not stand up for themselves and give as good as you get, back.

The one thing I do agree with though is whether this relationship can be salvaged and if it's worth it.

For me, I would absolutely have a go at my DH for being so blind and hurtful. I would absolutely defend myself to the hills and demand an apology before moving on.

Would I then become vindictive and suggest that being with my DH was slumming it, and making remarks on his looks and finances? Suggest calling the object to see if they want to be with crappy DH? Absolutely not.

Yea, I don’t see it quite as black and white. I see it as a woman who has come a long way since her abusive childhood, but she’s not perfect so she has become overprotective of her child and will defend her in a strong way if she feels that she has been badly treated. It may not be proportionate always, but she clearly have a lot of trauma and is fiercely protective of her little family.

There are plenty of effective ways of raising a child that doesn’t include time-out. Many parents knew how ineffective and mean it was already 20 years ago when I had little children.

OP you have a right to be annoyed at comparisons. To then take it to a nuclear level, taunting your DH and basically telling him he’s completely worthless is vicious and cruel. No wonder he said what he said. It’s unforgivable and hoping he has the sense to know that he doesn’t need to stay.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

I absolutely and categorically don’t think she should ignore emotional abuse like that. No way. And I’d label her reaction as just that ‘reactive abuse’. I think her reaction was understandable.

But two things are true here. He was out of order and emotionally abusive and she does need help figure out what a healthy relationship looks like. And she was verbally abusive in retaliation and that’s not ok either.

I totally understand why she reacted though! And a bit of me thinks ‘ha! He deserved that!’ But that doesn’t make it right.

No child should be put in time out . Just talk to them about the behaviour and explain why it was wrong .

Children who grow up in abusive households often choose the same sort of life partners.

Seems like op's bil broke the cycle. And op's husband got a big dose of narcissistic rage for daring to compare op unfavourably to someone 'better' than her.

Viciously dismantling someone with verbal abuse is not the same as standing up for yourself at all.

Have another talk. Admit that the last one got out of hand and talk to each other about what you need from this relationship. If he listened in the last conversation, then hopefully he’ll listen.
You could either support each other and have a better relationship, or not.

Neither of you sound that great to each other really.

She could nag him about;

• not being home enough to spend time with her or the kids
• not prioritising them at the weekend
• not being thoughful
• not enough sex / too high sex drive
• driving too fast / slow
• not showing an interest in the family
• not doing diy
• not seeing her family

The list could go on. And people are often not the same behind closed doors or on holiday. She or he may have mental health or physical health issues or relationship issues - you can’t judge them but one holiday.

As other posters have said. Stop focusing on them and start focusing on your marriage. Insulting each other isn’t helping.

There are so many separate issues here. Dh sounds jealous of his brothers lifestyle and would like you both to get on better. Yet he worded it badly. You seemed to hear he wanted her, which by his reaction was not the case. Putting someone else’s child on timeout wasn’t a great move but it’s done. I think you both need to consider relationship therapy.

He makes you feel awful then plays the victim when u turn it back on him. Hello Mr narcissist!

What your husband said to you was wrong and hurtful, but you went much too far in how you retaliated.

It's not acceptable to "discipline" someone else's 3 year old with time out- especially when it's the first time they've ever been in your care. YABU.

You sound a bit psycho OP.

Are you quite alright? If my kid was being naughty while with someone else, they are quige right to discipline them via time out. What kind of perent are you that you don't want your little darling to be given reaaonable discipline for their poror behaviour. There is nothing wrong with the OPs parenting, it sounds like you need to sort yours out though. It sounds like you're the SIL to be honest. Either that or someone with not the first idea of what decent parenting looks like.

Well, I’d say you are as bad-if not worse- than him, if you actually said all that. So, yes, YABU.

I understand that it must hurt to be compared to someone you deeply dislike (and who sounds thoroughly awful, to be fair to you). He could have picked a better way to illustrate matters. BUT, you were trying to have a serious and honest discussion about the problems in your relationship and you said he did try to listen to you and take on board the factors you raised. I don’t think you can say the same, at all.

You might not agree with his point of view, and that’s fine, but you should give him the courtesy of hearing him out if he has done the same for you. I think if you want to improve your relationship you do have to try and listen to his views do that you understand where he is coming from. It is rarely true that relationship issues are all down to one partner’s behaviour/fault. but, perhaps you don’t really want to improve the relationship and want out- and that’s fine too, but just be honest with him that that is the case.

When he was trying to illustrate (admittedly clumsily) issues that are bothering him, you did more than just snap- you lost the plot a bit, in my opinion. You not only tried to invalidate his opinions (they are rich, she has a cleaner/nanny etc so of course she behaves differently to you, he can’t expect anything else) and told him he can’t find any of the things he pointed out problematic because you don’t think they are. In other words- I don’t need to look at my actions or make any changes, you are just wrong. Then you tried to humiliate him (he is inferior to his brother in every way and your SIL would be “slumming it” if she were to be interested in him) and implied he was romantically interested in her. And further compounding your attempt at undermining and humiliation by threatening to call her and tell her he was interested in her so she could humiliate him too (I get the threat was likely an empty one, but the motivation behind it is unpleasant).

BTW, I’m not saying that he is perfect by any means. And it is likely he does have a fair few faults and things he needs to work on/changes he could make to improve your relationship. I’m just saying that I think you behaved badly, even if his use of your SIL as an exemplar of how he would like things to be was clumsy and ill thought through. But, my take on what you’ve said is that may be rather than being after SIL for herself, he is seeing a more harmonious relationship (less arguing, for example) and she is “sweet” could be that he sees her as being affectionate and warm towards her partner- and perhaps that is what he is trying to illustrate. And what he would like to have. It doesn’t mean it is all your responsibility to change to get to that position- almost certainly requires both of you to work on the problems in your relationship.

In your husbands shoes, I don’t think I’d see any point in trying to explain my feelings to you in the future and would think it clear you aren’t actually interested in discussing the relationship in a meaningful way, you are more interested in being right. I’d also be clear that you hold me in utter contempt. I mean- put like that- do you actually see a future in this relationship or do you think it has run it’s course?

That conversation was never going to go well. It is a tricky one to come back from as you both said things that will have hurt pretty deeply.