AIBU to snap after my husband compared me to his sister-in-law?

[SassyNavyHam]

My husband and I had a fight last night which turned into a long talking session about our marital issues, our insecurities, and what we feel we are missing in a partner.

To his credit he really did listen and try to understand my pov, but what hurt is he kept comparing me to his brother's wife. Every example of what he wanted somehow went back to his brother and SIL. She is funny, she can take a joke, she doesn't worry about little things, she doesnt nag his brother (lmao they have a housekeeper) She is sweet, and thoughtful, and doesn't whine (again she has a housekeeper/cook, no mortgage, a nanny)

This was all prompted by recently traveling with them for a family wedding, but I find it extremely strange because we are almost no contact with them (and I didn't attend the wedding for that reason). This woman does not like us. She calls me trash and says we aren't allowed in her house. She will not speak to my husband directly, and doesn't want our children to play with her daughter. He and his brother speak maybe once or twice a year.

I finally snapped and offered to call her and tell her he wants her. He was mortified and said i was being ridiculous. I said no, we should tell her and let her decide. Then I asked what he thought he had to offer her. She married the taller better looking brother. She has expensive taste and is used to all of the fancy dinners and lavish trips his brother can provide, but hey maybe she feels like slumming it.

I told him he is right. Any man would want her. She is gorgeous, so lets call her up and ask if she would ever want him. He actually teared up and said I was being extremely cruel and what I said was unforgivable. He said he was just using her as an example and I'm a terrible person.

I'm tired of coddling his feelings. I'm tired of being compared to some fantasy dream girl

You have both said some pretty bad stuff. Clearly he started it, but you really finished it. I mean you went for him about his height

I do also think it was a mistake for you to discipline your niece. Discipline your own kids for sure, but leave your BIL/SIL to determine what sort of discipline your niece is brought up with.

Agree with all of this.

Neither you nor your DH come out well from any of your posts.

All these people feeling bad for Ops husband who was trying to make her insecure??

Nah, well done OP! You need to nip that kind of thing in the bud. He got a taste of his own medicine and didn’t like it. An unpleasant conversation all round but he was to blame for it.

He needs to get a grip.

Of course you do. If the child and your child are both being naughty and you use timeout for your child, are you supposed to just ignore the bad behaviour, or put your own child in timeout but not the niece?

None of you sound at all stable.

Im sorry op but this is the end of your marriage. Also sounds like hes always had a crush on his brothers wife

For some reason many posters appear to think @SassyNavyHam saying his brother is taller and richer is sooo much worse than him saying SIL is basically a better more fun person to be around than his wife.

Personally, I’d be more hurt if my partner went for my character/personality while praising another woman’s and I assume Op was too.

I wouldn’t give a damn if a man said to me “your sister is prettier and more successful than you” (she is 😂).

So my point is don’t assume Op was any less hurt than the husband when he drew the unfavourable comparison to the SIL

I think they were both hurt by each others harsh words, but he instigated it and then played victim.

Time out is a recognised and respected technique to diffuse a situation when children get out of control.

It gives them a short time to calm down and try to regulate their emotions and it usually involves a chat to explore where things went wrong. Used correctly it is not abuse.

The OP gives no indication that it wasn't done correctly.

I think someone saying, "She's kinder, gentler, easier going, etc, than you," to their wife, invites the natural comeback of, "Well, I'd probably be easier going and more relaxed if you earned enough to afford all the home help she gets too, but you don't." OP's DH was pretty cruel to compare her and I think OP's reaction was pretty natural.

I suspect this whole conversation has done some pretty big damage on both sides though. They've both told each other they think other people are better.

Did you sort out the argument over the picture he posted of you? The problem isn't that his SIL is more fun etc, it is that your relationship is failing, while they have a good marriage. What he saw was two people who get on well. Only you know if you can get back to that. It takes both of you to decide if you can.
You don't put other people's children in time out. Especially if the parents don't use it, it must have been scary for the child. I'm not surprised she swung at you, if you didn't appologise.

@Isittimeformynapyet you don't do it to other people's children who aren't used to it. Especially if the OP went with the age=time, that has to be built up over time.

I’m sorry but I think what you said to DH was cruel. There is something about comparing to brothers in height and looks and success that is really mean. More so than comparing SILs when it’s to do with temperament (which is mainly things that you can control).

Whilst I think your DH deserved what you gave him back, giving your niece time out and leaving her to cry for 40mins was out of order.

Time outs and generally everything Super Nanny used are all cruel methods of parenting that raise cortisol levels in children's developing brains. I can see why SIL reacted badly to this, I sure would have too. I can also understand why she's wary of the in-laws due to the abuse they put her DH through.

@Isittimeformynapyet saying time out is "respected" is laughable. Not in any decent parenting world it isn't.

Nah you did well there, he repeatedly compared you to a woman who hates you so you gave him a taste of his own medicine and he didn’t like it! Good for you

Height is out of your control but to some extent looks (grooming, hair styling and skincare can all contribute towards that) and especially financial success are to an extent, within your control.

Either way personally I’d be way more upset that it seems my husband doesn’t like much about who I am, and thinks I don’t even compare well to a woman that hates both me and him, than if he were to make a comment about more superficial things such as height and finances.

So you can’t discount or minimise the hurt OP felt too and the weight of his words.

It sounds like they both got each other where it hurt , but OP’s husband isn’t taking any responsibility for his cruel comparison which kicked it all off and is pretending like it’s OP who is the villain.

I mean who compares their wife unfavourably to another woman, especially one that hates her?! What a nasty thing to do.

It wasn’t an innocent remark, he is either thick as anything or he wanted to make her feel insecure. I think it’s the latter.

I wouldn't use it with an unrelated schoolfriend, but these two children are family, which I feel is different. I was disciplined alongside my cousins as a kid, but there was no drama involved over it. Our parents were on the whole reasonable people, hence the chat part of time out I mentioned in my last post.

I get it that the niece wasn't used to any discipline at all, but it's unclear how much OP knew about that at the time.

Interesting different points of view though.

Well you could just totally be her and do everything that she does.

slag off his brother and niece and her
dont do any housework at all. Just allow your DH to supply the cleaner.
don’t pay any bills. That’s what DH is for.
spend your days looking pretty

he will soon get pissed off

is this a reverse or something?

your poor SIL hasn't got a single reason to want to tolerate you! She tried, she made efforts, and it backfired. No one can blame her.

Why is your husband using her as an example is anyone's guest, but the both of you sound rather horrible.

I've just had a look online and it could be that we are thinking of quite different models of Time Out, some of which are definitely not respected any more. But I did see this: "Core of Trusted Programs: It remains a key strategy in gold-standard parenting programs like Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) and The Incredible Years. [1] (https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/the-time-out-controversy)

Who put your niece in time out? You or your husband?

I'm sorry, but I think listing the good points of a bad person is a lot lot less bad than saying "you're uglier and less successful than your sibling".

What! Hardly 🙄

YANBU. He deserved what he got. Maybe that will teach him not to compare you to other women!

@SassyNavyHam your H is jealous of his younger brother, and he’s expressing this to you as ‘he even got the girl!’.

One reason he likes her, is because she doesn’t sweat the little things. After swinging for you, I am assuming he agrees with her that putting her child in Time Out shouldn’t have happened, otherwise with it being a non-event she wouldn’t have batted an eye lid.

Maybe he also agrees that his family are trashy for one reason or another (beatings etc..) and his brother has managed to break free from this and he fees he didn’t. Not very nice of him but you can’t help how you feel I suppose.

You both seem to get off on hurting each other. Is there any mileage left in this marriage?